The quest to develop resilient kids
How it all began...
During the past two decades I have had thousands upon thousands of informal conversations – most light but some hot – with parents and innumerable interactions with my sons’ male and female peers. These exchanges have taken place in every realm of American parenting: Workplaces, schools, hardware stores, parking lots, athletic fields, cocktail parties and on neighborhood streets. You name it, I’ve been there and so have you.
Because think about it: Talking about kids is the preeminent adult interaction.
Virtually all of the parents with whom I spoke were solid citizens – reliable, hardworking, caring. In fact, most of our conversations took place in situations – like schools and games and events - directly involving their kids and mine. Or they took place at work, where Mom or Dad were financially providing for the family.
Some of these conversations were uncomfortable because a single, persistent sentiment I took away from these encounters was frustration. Listening to these individuals and sometimes seeing up close and personal their children day in and day out for years led me to two basic conclusions:
1. These parents wanted more out of their children – more spark, more laughs, more consistency, more direction and more drive.
2. But. These parents had no defined plan or strategy for guiding their children toward a confident and productive life; toward raising what I will simply call – and these Dads and Moms themselves constantly referenced - a “good kid.”
THE GOOD KID
Here’s the simplest idea in this book: My definition of the good kid.
Reliable personal conduct. A boy or girl is habitually courteous in every kind of social interaction. He or she is the one who carries themselves with ease and openness. The one who is friendly and sincere, the one you are pleased to introduce to other adults. Not that sullen jerk who glances up from his or her phone with a grunt. You get the idea.
A confident worldview. The child moves through his or her everyday routine with assurance and poise, not frazzled or anxious the moment the front door opens and the day beckons. He or she appreciates the light tough and seeks joy in the intrinsic good that everyday life offers and fully recognizes and pushes back against the bad.
Grinding Resilience in Adversity. This kid absorbs personal discomfort and setbacks with a minimum of complaint and maximum of calm when circumstances large and small go south. She or he handles pressure, adapts and discovers a route back to forward progress.
Expansive Ambition. This youth sets goals and holds himself or herself accountable every step of the way. They are realistic in evaluating personal benchmarks and seek to exceed expectations. Good for this kid is never quite good enough.
None of this is complicated and the following isn’t either: These are the four traits I wanted to develop in my sons from their earliest ages. I knew that if my boys were grounded in these four areas as they passed from childhood
to adolescence and beyond, they would become reflexive in making the correct decisions in their daily lives at home and school, within their peer groups and with strangers and situations in the world at large.
Next up: How I put it all in practice....
