Given that parents these days are hustling like crazy at work and at home, I decided

to humbly pitch in and do my part: Four Lessons from My Three Sons was written

to be read in a mere 45 minutes (19,000 words, baby).

No adult has time for a 300-page brick filled with gibberish about “holistic empowerment”

and “emotional synergies.” Instead, I delivered a loose narrative of parent and kid stories that make

large, simple points easily relatable to the American family life. Boom!

While the book is short, the theme is long-game in perspective: Developing your

child’s character, confidence, resilience and ambition. No need for Mensa-style

thinking here (I’m not capable of that) – these values are universally known and

timeless. What was timely is how every day I worked doggedly to make these

values a reflex in my three sons as they moved through childhood to adolescence to

college (Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point) and their current occupations

as three military officers in adulthood today.

And speaking of dogged, that’s been yours truly in promoting the book. While it’s

not yet on the New York Times bestseller list (that select crowd of readers would

deem the book cultural appropriation), when I’m fortunate to hustle my way onto

podcasts, I am always prompted to give the host and listeners three things they can

do right now – immediately! - to begin the process of building that resilient kid. It’s

a super ask and I’m going to put it down on paper in case you haven’t heard the

podcasts (which are here: https://www.nelliganbooks.com/podcasts).

Now, the backdrop, as I mentioned above, is playing the long game. As I would

routinely tell my boys: Don’t worry about the end zone, just move the chains. i.e.,

day-to-day life is a series of modest, sometime minuscule advances downfield. So is

parenting.

At the heart of it all is the importance of small steps building routine; nothing takes

place overnight. Changing attitude and behavior then character is a slow motion

build. The only way to pull it off is with parent engagement, the goal being to

provide your child with a new outlook over time. Here’s how you can start right

now:

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1. First and forever foremost, the Social Media Contract.

This document covers how much time your child – and you – will spend on a

device every day, at what times the device can be used, and the penalties for

breaking the Contract. Here are four sample Social Media Contracts
(https://www.nelliganbooks.com/how-to-fight-and-triumph-over-your-kids-digital-media-addiction).
Review, discuss and develop one with your child. You’ll thank me.

That’s because anyone who knows Nellie and my decade-long rants knows

that I lay all kid confusion and non-performance at the ravages of what I call

the 'glowing rectangle' – iPhone, iPad, laptop, computer. But go beyond ranting

Nellie to Dr. Jonathan Haidt, he of The Anxious Generation the definitive,

empirical work on the link between digital media and mental health. Stats

galore, all appalling. Breaking the digital addiction is essential. I repeat:

Breaking that addiction is essential.

This is your first step in gaining control of your child. Flinch from everything

else, but don’t flinch from this.

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2. The evening stroll.

This may sound off beat, but trust me, it’s tried and true. And yes, you can

call me trad and simplistic. Thank you.

Here’s the deal: The best way to understand and really know your kid is by

simply talking with him or her. Not once a week, or for few minutes a day

in the pell-mell rush of the day, but consistently over time. Hence, one

action I took with my sons was a mandatory 30-minute walk in the evening

through the neighborhood, sometimes with one or two sons, sometimes

with the whole family. It should go without saying no electronics allowed.

On these walks, I was full of questions - easy ones – ‘what’s your fave car,

restaurant…toughest class in school, the easiest?...your hits and misses

today…what about that math test?...let me tell you about this interesting

guy I met today….how about those Redskins?...you guys are playing St.

Paul’s this weekend…what’s your take on….?’ The conversations were easy

and loose

Easy talks become routine and routine becomes reflex. You find out what’s

hot and not with your kids. Sometimes you guide the talk; sometimes they

do. What do you get out of it? You forestall Junior becoming some sullen

jerk hiding in their room always playing video games, disheveled in looks

and mind and spirit. Instead, you get a thinking kid, a socially at ease kid, a

confident kid. And a confident kid becomes a resilient kid.

I took this a step further, as recounted in the book – the Bleacher Report.

Each weekend I’d take one of the sons to the most peaceful place on the

planet – Saturday morning at the high school bleachers overlooking the

football field. With a few bagels in attendance, we’d sprawl out and just

discuss the past week - my work, their school, our individual wins and

losses, all the wonder and magic of the world of a Dad and his sons.

_____________________

4. Reading with your children.

Consider the following and I trust it alarms you: Biennial testing through

National Assessment of Educational Progress – the famed Nation’s Report

Card – shows that two-thirds of U.S. children are unable to read with

proficiency; an astounding 40 percent are essentially nonreaders.

If your child can’t read with ease and aptitude, they are headed for a world

of pain. At this link:
https://www.thenationalliteracyinstitute.com/2024-2025-literacy-statistics

are the appalling consequences of illiteracy for children

and this haunting note:

“The capacity to read and write, commonly known

as literacy, stands out as a pivotal determinant in shaping an individual's

career trajectory. Individuals with literacy skills have access to a broad

spectrum of career possibilities, including highly skilled and well-paying

positions. Conversely, those lacking literacy face severely restricted life

options, with even entry-level, low-skilled jobs posing challenges to

secure.”

Here’s the simple Nellie challenge and it applies especially to those with

young kids. Find a quiet place in your home, sit down, and read to your

children. For the young, here are three suggestions, all series books: Magic

Treehouse, Berenstain Bears, Little House on the Prairie. This will not fail

to move and excite their minds beyond the everyday events – and do not

read from a screen – all hardcovers!

When they reach reading age, have them read to you. When they’re older,

have them sit with you and read their book while you read yours. The

printed word works the mind, the exact opposite of the zombie passivity of

the screen. Get them familiar and comfortable with books because reading

and literacy carries the child to an engaged, successful life. The screen life

leads them to their birthday at 24, where after they eat their cake, they

retreat to their bedroom in your basement and play Minecraft.

_________________

There are other actionable items - weekly family meetings, the monthly calendar,

and additional tips are mentioned in my book.

But I promised three and these are all a great place to start. Today. None cost

anything, none ask for heroic measures, all can easily fit the flow of family life.

They work. I know. I guarantee if you try them you’ll see results. If you don’t,

please email me at Jeff@ResilientSons.com and I’ll send you a free copy of my

book. Because dogged Nellie will never stop hustling to convince you.

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