Right now for today!

Jeff Nelligan • September 6, 2025

Three easy acts to help develop your child's character

Given that parents these days are hustling like crazy at work and at home, I decided

to humbly pitch in and do my part: Four Lessons from My Three Sons was written

to be read in a mere 45 minutes (19,000 words, baby).

No adult has time for a 300-page brick filled with gibberish about “holistic empowerment”

and “emotional synergies.” Instead, I delivered a loose narrative of parent and kid stories that make

large, simple points easily relatable to the American family life. Boom!

While the book is short, the theme is long-game in perspective: Developing your

child’s character, confidence, resilience and ambition. No need for Mensa-style

thinking here (I’m not capable of that) – these values are universally known and

timeless. What was timely is how every day I worked doggedly to make these

values a reflex in my three sons as they moved through childhood to adolescence to

college (Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point) and their current occupations

as three military officers in adulthood today.

And speaking of dogged, that’s been yours truly in promoting the book. While it’s

not yet on the New York Times bestseller list (that select crowd of readers would

deem the book cultural appropriation), when I’m fortunate to hustle my way onto

podcasts, I am always prompted to give the host and listeners three things they can

do right now – immediately! - to begin the process of building that resilient kid. It’s

a super ask and I’m going to put it down on paper in case you haven’t heard the

podcasts (which are here: https://www.nelliganbooks.com/podcasts).

Now, the backdrop, as I mentioned above, is playing the long game. As I would

routinely tell my boys: Don’t worry about the end zone, just move the chains. i.e.,

day-to-day life is a series of modest, sometime minuscule advances downfield. So is

parenting.

At the heart of it all is the importance of small steps building routine; nothing takes

place overnight. Changing attitude and behavior then character is a slow motion

build. The only way to pull it off is with parent engagement, the goal being to

provide your child with a new outlook over time. Here’s how you can start right

now:

________________

1. First and forever foremost, the Social Media Contract.

This document covers how much time your child – and you – will spend on a

device every day, at what times the device can be used, and the penalties for

breaking the Contract. Here are four sample Social Media Contracts
(https://www.nelliganbooks.com/how-to-fight-and-triumph-over-your-kids-digital-media-addiction).
Review, discuss and develop one with your child. You’ll thank me.

That’s because anyone who knows Nellie and my decade-long rants knows

that I lay all kid confusion and non-performance at the ravages of what I call

the 'glowing rectangle' – iPhone, iPad, laptop, computer. But go beyond ranting

Nellie to Dr. Jonathan Haidt, he of The Anxious Generation the definitive,

empirical work on the link between digital media and mental health. Stats

galore, all appalling. Breaking the digital addiction is essential. I repeat:

Breaking that addiction is essential.

This is your first step in gaining control of your child. Flinch from everything

else, but don’t flinch from this.

________________

2. The evening stroll.

This may sound off beat, but trust me, it’s tried and true. And yes, you can

call me trad and simplistic. Thank you.

Here’s the deal: The best way to understand and really know your kid is by

simply talking with him or her. Not once a week, or for few minutes a day

in the pell-mell rush of the day, but consistently over time. Hence, one

action I took with my sons was a mandatory 30-minute walk in the evening

through the neighborhood, sometimes with one or two sons, sometimes

with the whole family. It should go without saying no electronics allowed.

On these walks, I was full of questions - easy ones – ‘what’s your fave car,

restaurant…toughest class in school, the easiest?...your hits and misses

today…what about that math test?...let me tell you about this interesting

guy I met today….how about those Redskins?...you guys are playing St.

Paul’s this weekend…what’s your take on….?’ The conversations were easy

and loose

Easy talks become routine and routine becomes reflex. You find out what’s

hot and not with your kids. Sometimes you guide the talk; sometimes they

do. What do you get out of it? You forestall Junior becoming some sullen

jerk hiding in their room always playing video games, disheveled in looks

and mind and spirit. Instead, you get a thinking kid, a socially at ease kid, a

confident kid. And a confident kid becomes a resilient kid.

I took this a step further, as recounted in the book – the Bleacher Report.

Each weekend I’d take one of the sons to the most peaceful place on the

planet – Saturday morning at the high school bleachers overlooking the

football field. With a few bagels in attendance, we’d sprawl out and just

discuss the past week - my work, their school, our individual wins and

losses, all the wonder and magic of the world of a Dad and his sons.

_____________________

4. Reading with your children.

Consider the following and I trust it alarms you: Biennial testing through

National Assessment of Educational Progress – the famed Nation’s Report

Card – shows that two-thirds of U.S. children are unable to read with

proficiency; an astounding 40 percent are essentially nonreaders.

If your child can’t read with ease and aptitude, they are headed for a world

of pain. At this link:
https://www.thenationalliteracyinstitute.com/2024-2025-literacy-statistics

are the appalling consequences of illiteracy for children

and this haunting note:

“The capacity to read and write, commonly known

as literacy, stands out as a pivotal determinant in shaping an individual's

career trajectory. Individuals with literacy skills have access to a broad

spectrum of career possibilities, including highly skilled and well-paying

positions. Conversely, those lacking literacy face severely restricted life

options, with even entry-level, low-skilled jobs posing challenges to

secure.”

Here’s the simple Nellie challenge and it applies especially to those with

young kids. Find a quiet place in your home, sit down, and read to your

children. For the young, here are three suggestions, all series books: Magic

Treehouse, Berenstain Bears, Little House on the Prairie. This will not fail

to move and excite their minds beyond the everyday events – and do not

read from a screen – all hardcovers!

When they reach reading age, have them read to you. When they’re older,

have them sit with you and read their book while you read yours. The

printed word works the mind, the exact opposite of the zombie passivity of

the screen. Get them familiar and comfortable with books because reading

and literacy carries the child to an engaged, successful life. The screen life

leads them to their birthday at 24, where after they eat their cake, they

retreat to their bedroom in your basement and play Minecraft.

_________________

There are other actionable items - weekly family meetings, the monthly calendar,

and additional tips are mentioned in my book.

But I promised three and these are all a great place to start. Today. None cost

anything, none ask for heroic measures, all can easily fit the flow of family life.

They work. I know. I guarantee if you try them you’ll see results. If you don’t,

please email me at Jeff@ResilientSons.com and I’ll send you a free copy of my

book. Because dogged Nellie will never stop hustling to convince you.

######

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ABOUT THE BOOK

Every Dad in America wants to raise a resilient kid. Four Lessons from My Three Sons charts the course.

Written by a good-natured but unyielding father, this slim volume describes how his off-beat and yet powerful forms of encouragement helped his sons obtain the assurance, strength and integrity needed to achieve personal success and satisfaction. This book isn't 300 pages of pop child psychology or a fatherhood "journey" filled with jargon and equivocation. It's tough and hard and fast. It’s about how three boys made their way to the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point – and beyond.

GET THE BOOK NOW

Flag duty and the end of 30 years in politics

By Jeff Nelligan • January 29, 2026

It's 8:30 a.m. on a humid August Tuesday and I’m on the roof of the U.S. Capitol, the Dome rising 280 feet directly above. In my arms is a stack of thin boxes and I’m navigating a plywood gangplank leading to a rusted 15-foot flagpole. A colleague joins me carrying more boxes. She opens one and hands me a 2’ by 4’ American flag which I affix to the pole’s lanyard, raise and lower quickly, unfasten and hand to her as she hands me another. A third colleague brings out more boxes and retrieves the ones containing flown flags. This little dance continues for three straight hours. Afterwards, my colleagues and I carefully re-fold each flag and affix to it a “Certificate of Authenticity from the Architect of the Capitol” reading “This flag was flown over the U.S. Capitol in honor of____” and fill in the blank: “The Greater Bakersfield, California Chamber of Commerce”…the 80 th birthday of Wilbert Robinson of Bowie, Maryland, proud veteran of the Vietnam War…” We will perform this task for five days a week until Congress returns from recess. This is my very first job in Washington, D.C. and obviously, I have what it takes. *** Flag duty began my 32-year run in politics and government, which ended last week. It included four tours of duty on Capitol Hill working for three Members of Congress, two Presidential appointments serving Cabinet officers in the Departments of State and Health and Human Services, posts at two independent agencies, and a career position at FDA. The jobs were a mix of purely political positions where being on the south side of an election meant cleaning out your desk and getting good at catchy LinkedIn posts – twice that happened - and career federal government stints where the stakes were less exhilarating. *** I worked principally as press secretary and special assistant. The former job, a common D.C. occupation, was transformed in 2008 with the onset of social media, morphing from daily pronouncements of your boss’s wisdom on the issues of the day to rapid-fire postings on the obvious unreasonableness, even cruelties of your opponents. Sound familiar? As for the latter occupational specialty, special assistant, the terms ‘bagman’ or ‘fixer’ are more apt: A guy always two steps behind the principal but always ready to step up and fix whatever problem arose in daily political life. Need a special vegan lunch for Congressman Busybody, White House tour tickets for the Big Bad High volleyball team, or the personal phone number of the executive assistant to a heavy-duty lobbyist? I was your guy. Every leader needs a fixer. Like anyone else who works in D.C., I occasionally participated in a glam political moment – you know, that unique, epic event that would never ever be forgotten in D.C. history Until it was. *** The best part about government life was working for many men and women who were at the top of their game in the D.C. Swamp, one of the toughest arenas on the planet. Their success, from the vantage point of your humble correspondent, was attributable to four simple rules of life. “If you can’t measure it, it didn’t happen.” Every office I was in kept metrics on virtually every aspect of the principal’s week – how many meetings and events attended, X posts, interviews, committee votes, constituent letters, action items completed from memos?! Numbers, numbers, and always keeping score – and always the quest to improve. “Never lose it.” In a lifetime of political jobs, I may have heard a boss raise her or his voice half a dozen times, even during and after major-league setbacks. Self-control was their hallmark. One boss, a powerful House Committee chairman once confided to me, “I’m fine that 80 precent of my job is humoring these guys, no matter how crazy they get.” An equally valuable corollary skill: Humility. The ability of these individuals to admit to colleagues and staff when wrong on a particular issue. Which counterintuitively only upped their long-term credibility. “Something’s always gonna go south.” Always the need for a plan C. Every initiative during an upcoming day was scoured for what elements would interfere and how, if they occurred, they could be ameliorated. Hence, in the rare times when things did go south, there was always preparation in advance for getting to 80 percent of what was needed. “Good is not good enough.” Successful politicians and government leaders – and their staffs – never get complacent. If they do, they’re not long for the Swamp. Everyone is always hustling for the edge. A useful corollary learned from an NCO when I was in the Army: Always have your hand up. Volunteering is at the heart of the hustle, the cheerful willingness to take on the new and unknown and do whatever it takes. *** And that’s how it all started. On the second day of my first congressional tour the Member solicited volunteers “for a fun recess job that’ll get you out of the office.” It was flag duty and from that day onwards my government career could only go up. *****