From the desk of Dean Vernon Wormer III, Faber College
Welcome future Justice Warriors!
As we begin this new academic year let us take a moment to glory in our righteousness as we build a more inclusive and contextualized holistic future. Yes, the whole world is watching us as we reimagine ourselves. We are the change we have been waiting for - we are the New Faber College!
When Emile Faber founded this institution in 1821 on land brutally seized from peace-loving Indigenous Americans, few would have dreamed this small New England school would someday exert such oversized influence on the American educational conscience.
During those two centuries, the old Faber College educated generations of so-called citizen-leaders dedicated to building a nascent American society. Indeed, misguided Faber alums excelled in the fields of medicine, law, commerce, military leadership, finance, the arts and other forms of white oppression. Our forepersyns contributed to what they thought was the construction of a democratic leviathan unparalleled in the herstory of the world.
Today of course, we know they were all oppressors.
That is why today we commit our very lives to fighting and overturning this legacy of racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, privilege, and unhealthy personal choices. You will all play a role in this overthrow - together we have new injustices to discover! It will entail tearing down everything we know and see. And you, my fellow Faberians, are just the people to do it.
This Student Handbook will orient you to the College as you begin your journey in De-Construction. It all begins with peering in at You. Don’t think of New Faber as just a collection of sustainable buildings, a recreational paradise or an academic free-for-all. Think of this institution as you would your own home – that’s right, no rules, no walls, no responsibilities.
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The New Faber College Social Justice Warrior Handbook can be found here:
https://www.amazon.com/College-Justice-Warrior-Handbook-2022-23/dp/B09WQ561M7
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Our mission is to nurture brittle, sensitive young people – just like You– so they can build a nation of equity and non-binary inclusiveness where people are judged on their individual aspirations and dreams – and not on outmoded concepts of merit, effort and punctuality. Please know that I and the New Faber commissariat understand your struggles - peanut allergies, pollen sensitivity, lactose intolerance. And about your many needs: Core power yoga, Birch Bark for men, Spotify premium, Burning Man tickets, Essential oils and no-interest Jetta leases. We are there for you. We want you to build on your fears and feelings; we are not here to teach so much as to learn from you. At Faber, you will find the tools you need to succeed socially and persynally. And holistically.
You will find that a very small part of this Handbook contains information on our academic opportunities and our four scholarly thematic areas: Sea-Level Rise, Urban Chaos, In/Justice, and Narratives. That’s because a very large part of our Handbook is devoted to vital information on your development goals and our easy solutions, including: Our lifestyle-themed student residences, leisure activities (the largest wave pool east of St. Louis), cavernous safe spaces, the comfort animal zoo and many other activities superseding classroom learning. You will also find in these pages the broad outlines of what New Faber College can offer you in social activism and riot opportunities. Why, some wags have called this non-academic instruction the ‘Faber Flow.’ I want you to get in that Flow. And flow.
Before I conclude this call for your understanding, allow me to share some reminisces to illustrate the ways in which in listening to Your Voices we have adapted to the future, which is Now. When my grandfather, Dean Vernon Wormer, Sr. led this institution, we didn’t even know what gluten was or its danger to humynkind. There was no graffiti policy because there was no graffiti (!). The word recycling hadn’t been invented. Equality was what you had when you didn’t have quality. Multiculturalism meant Mexican Taco Night in the Faber Cafeteria. And woke was when you aroused yourself from sleep. We’ve come a long way, comrades.
Now, as we begin the search for our own truths, we all share the responsibility for attempting to uphold basic standards of respect. Which is why the College recently terminated our 180-year-old Honor Code, which only served to frighten our students into outdated and formulaic rules of civic behavior.
Life at the College, as anywhere in this cisgender-centric world, can be confusing and feel overwhelming. Remember that there are therapists available here to help you work through these moments – sometimes rescue dogs and art therapy won’t be enough. Seek out advisers you like and demand their time. You don’t have to earn the right to ask for help – like everything in life, you are entitled to it. Everyone at the College wants you to flourish no matter what your shortcomings. Indeed, hit me up on Slack if I can be of help.
Your years at the New Faber will be well spent if you peer in at yourself and how you can mobilize your feelings to upend Amerika’s cultural apartheid. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and the next five years or six here marks your personal journey to live the New Faber College credo: Nemo est liber quam ego sum - No one is free until I am!
Forward!
Dr. Vernon Wormer III, Dean of Faber College, Noam Chomsky Professor of Ceramics










