Resilient Sons

From the desk of Dean Vernon Wormer III, Faber College

Wed, 29 Apr 2026 17:12:20 GMT

Welcome future Justice Warriors!

As we begin this new academic year let us take a moment to glory in our righteousness as we build a more inclusive and contextualized holistic future. Yes, the whole world is watching us as we reimagine ourselves. We are the change we have been waiting for - we are the New Faber College!

When Emile Faber founded this institution in 1821 on land brutally seized from peace-loving Indigenous Americans, few would have dreamed this small New England school would someday exert such oversized influence on the American educational conscience.

During those two centuries, the old Faber College educated generations of so-called citizen-leaders dedicated to building a nascent American society. Indeed, misguided Faber alums excelled in the fields of medicine, law, commerce, military leadership, finance, the arts and other forms of white oppression. Our forepersyns contributed to what they thought was the construction of a democratic leviathan unparalleled in the herstory of the world.

Today of course, we know they were all oppressors.

That is why today we commit our very lives to fighting and overturning this legacy of racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, privilege, and unhealthy personal choices. You will all play a role in this overthrow - together we have new injustices to discover! It will entail tearing down everything we know and see. And you, my fellow Faberians, are just the people to do it.

This Student Handbook will orient you to the College as you begin your journey in De-Construction. It all begins with peering in at You. Don’t think of New Faber as just a collection of sustainable buildings, a recreational paradise or an academic free-for-all. Think of this institution as you would your own home – that’s right, no rules, no walls, no responsibilities.

______________________________

The New Faber College Social Justice Warrior Handbook can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/College-Justice-Warrior-Handbook-2022-23/dp/B09WQ561M7
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Our mission is to nurture brittle, sensitive young people – just like You– so they can build a nation of equity and non-binary inclusiveness where people are judged on their individual aspirations and dreams – and not on outmoded concepts of merit, effort and punctuality. Please know that I and the New Faber commissariat understand your struggles - peanut allergies, pollen sensitivity, lactose intolerance. And about your many needs: Core power yoga, Birch Bark for men, Spotify premium, Burning Man tickets, Essential oils and no-interest Jetta leases. We are there for you. We want you to build on your fears and feelings; we are not here to teach so much as to learn from you. At Faber, you will find the tools you need to succeed socially and persynally. And holistically.

You will find that a very small part of this Handbook contains information on our academic opportunities and our four scholarly thematic areas: Sea-Level Rise, Urban Chaos, In/Justice, and Narratives. That’s because a very large part of our Handbook is devoted to vital information on your development goals and our easy solutions, including: Our lifestyle-themed student residences, leisure activities (the largest wave pool east of St. Louis), cavernous safe spaces, the comfort animal zoo and many other activities superseding classroom learning. You will also find in these pages the broad outlines of what New Faber College can offer you in social activism and riot opportunities. Why, some wags have called this non-academic instruction the ‘Faber Flow.’ I want you to get in that Flow. And flow.

Before I conclude this call for your understanding, allow me to share some reminisces to illustrate the ways in which in listening to Your Voices we have adapted to the future, which is Now. When my grandfather, Dean Vernon Wormer, Sr. led this institution, we didn’t even know what gluten was or its danger to humynkind. There was no graffiti policy because there was no graffiti (!). The word recycling hadn’t been invented. Equality was what you had when you didn’t have quality. Multiculturalism meant Mexican Taco Night in the Faber Cafeteria. And woke was when you aroused yourself from sleep. We’ve come a long way, comrades.

Now, as we begin the search for our own truths, we all share the responsibility for attempting to uphold basic standards of respect. Which is why the College recently terminated our 180-year-old Honor Code, which only served to frighten our students into outdated and formulaic rules of civic behavior.

Life at the College, as anywhere in this cisgender-centric world, can be confusing and feel overwhelming. Remember that there are therapists available here to help you work through these moments – sometimes rescue dogs and art therapy won’t be enough. Seek out advisers you like and demand their time. You don’t have to earn the right to ask for help – like everything in life, you are entitled to it. Everyone at the College wants you to flourish no matter what your shortcomings. Indeed, hit me up on Slack if I can be of help.

Your years at the New Faber will be well spent if you peer in at yourself and how you can mobilize your feelings to upend Amerika’s cultural apartheid. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and the next five years or six here marks your personal journey to live the New Faber College credo: Nemo est liber quam ego sum - No one is free until I am!

Forward!

Dr. Vernon Wormer III, Dean of Faber College, Noam Chomsky Professor of Ceramics

"Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. Damn glad to meet you."

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 14:43:21 GMT

The most complex character in American cinematic history.

“Eric Stratton” may be one of the most complex character roles ever envisioned in the history of filmmaking. And no, that’s not hyperbole. Just ask him.

How do we reconcile his immense charisma and movie-star looks with his wretched pathological misogyny and manipulation? Even his nickname reveals his persona: Otter – the slippery mammal, sleek and muscular, always obstructing natural waterways. His dominating character leads his Delta House brothers into a climactic crescendo of cascading catastrophes (whoa), ultimately plunging everyone and everything into total nihilism. Even if the whole point is just to have fun.

We find his unprecedented screen power mesmerizing; hypnotically, he forces us to root for Delta and cheer for demise of Omega. Some say you can’t make this up. But it was.

In the eyes of many scholars, Eric Stratton is the chief catalyst for the film. Along with other chief catalysts. Who is he? Let’s find out...

________________

“Damn glad to meet you.”

We first meet him in his Playboy pad, circa 1955. He’s oblivious to the Pledge party downstairs, focused as he is on upcoming debauchery. In the midst of revealing a grotesque phallic sex toy to his sidekick Boon, Otter is chided by Delta Tau Chi President Robert Hoover: “There are people trying to get into this fraternity. Otter, you are the rush chairman. You
should be present at the rush party.”

Shortly after, Otter will spin through the packed and squalid Delta house, reeking of insincerity and guile. “Eric Stratton, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you” he repeats untruthfully to several would-be pledges.

On a personal note and outside the scope of the submission parameters for those excellent editors of the Journal of Post-Modern Dualities, the following scene below remains one of the author’s favorites for its glimpse into Otter’s gestalt.

In the midst of his walk through the Delta bedlam Otter seizes upon Kent Dorfman’s tie, commenting on the upscale Rayon fabric and asking if Kent’s mother bought it for him. Then, as just recounted in Chapter 1, he goes on to deride Kent’s closet-case older brother Fred and then vanishes. But not before making fun of Boon and Katy during a silly tiff about their long-term future together.

Despite this obvious cruelty and self-obsession, we like him. Why? Again, good question.

____________________

“Frank Lyman from Amherst. Fawn’s fiancé”

Fast forwarding, because we can, we find that Delta House has been kicked off campus, the entire contents of the fraternity has been confiscated (even the stuff they didn't steal), and Otter responds to it all in typically nihilistic fashion: "Road trip." We now reel down the road in closet-case Fred Dorfman’s Lincoln Continental, staggered by the pace of events.

It’s on this breathtaking ride that Otter instructs Pinto and Flounder on the keys to success with girls from Emily Dickinson College: “Mention modern art, civil rights or folk music and you're in like Flynn.” It’s a timeless observation and still works today with GenZ. And if that’s not enough to race our old-school misogynistic hearts, Otter then glances at a newspaper and effortlessly brings treachery, as Boon once commented, to a brand new low.

That’s because Fawn Leibovitz may have perished in a tragic kiln accident but she’s just another piece of female clay for Otter to shape.

He enters the Emily Dickinson College girls’ dorm (whistling Russian composer Sergei Prokofiev’s deadly “Peter the Wolf”), greets the perfectly named Brunella at the reception desk and asks to see Fawn. Panicked, Brunella phones the full-bodied Shelly Dubinsky and whispers that she has to come down and break the terrible news about the former potter to her fiancé, Frank Lyman from Amherst.

When Shelly informs Frank of the ceramic furnace explosion, he endearingly processes it the only way he knows how: “She was going to make a pot for me.”

Of course we know as Frank tells us, that Frank can’t be alone tonight. The shapely Shelly goes to get her coat but not before Frank asks with teary eyes, “And can you get three dates for my friends?”

The octet travels to the Dexter Lake Club, an African American cultural center (covered extensively in Chapter 5), where

20 minutes later Frank is in the backseat of Fred Dorfman’s car. With the curvaceous Shelly....

"Assume the position."

Wed, 15 Apr 2026 16:30:35 GMT

Douglas C. Neidermeyer, Membership Chairman, Omega Theta Pi

The allegorical anti-hero is a rarely explored character in American cinema. Excepting of course the real ones: Sauron in Lord of the Rings, Judge Smails in Caddyshack, and the entire North in Gone With The Wind .

But Animal House satisfies us here with its own villain, who just happens to be the subject of this keenly perceptive chapter.

***

Author’s Note: I momentarily considered ignoring all prior scholarship on the film to take the unprecedented step for the first time ever of combining the two protagonists, Doug Neidermeyer and Omega Theta Pi President Greg Marmalard in one chapter. At the last moment, I didn’t.

***

For we seasoned viewers as well as for the uncultured neophytes, Douglas C. Neidermeyer is clearly portrayed as a sadistic bully with a playful homoerotic streak; his exhortation leading this chapter is nauseating pledge pin proof of that.

But who is he? Let’s find out.
______________________

“Assume the position.”

We open the door on Neidermeyer as he opens the door to us - literally to Omega house - where he instantly sizes up Ken and Lonnie. And then he does what we know he must do: Immediately exile them… to the Loser Lounge.

The chilling scenes following this rendezvous have already been well- documented in Chapter 1 so let’s jump to a later but equally chilling tableau: Pledge initiation at Omega, where another door is opened to us, one of pathological sadomasochism.

The camera delivers us to a brutish chamber of horrors. Multiple lighted candelabras throw flickering shadows and two robed and hooded figures stand at the head of two parallel lines of practically naked young men on their knees.

We zoom in on the grim reaper duo, one of whom holds a menacing instrument of torture - a cricket bat. Why, it’s Doug and Greg!

“We now consecrate the bonds of obedience” intones the former darkly. And then he utters that sickening, unambiguous phrase: “Assume the position.”

We are horrified to see Chip Diller, yes, the pushy one from ages past, bend over onto his hands and knees. Neidermeyer towers over him and with a zombie-like glare raises the wooden weapon and violently strikes Chip’s backside.

Smack! We cringe in disbelief as we hear Chip plead through clenched teeth, “Please sir, may I have another.” Marmalard leers down at Diller’s glistening body while Neidermeyer grimaces fiendishly with the effort of repeated strikes.

The punishment continues (in total, four strikes of the paddle, but whose counting?) and hideous grins emerge on the faces of Greg and Doug in the shadowy, trembling light. We recoil in terror at this inhuman display of bondage. But alas, there’s more to come. Only this time in a horse stable.
_________________

“…yeah baby baby…mmmm cutie pie….”

Earlier, we’d marveled at Lieutenant Neidermeyer before the RTOC platoon, prancing on his ‘mount,’ a white steed named Trooper, a portrait reminiscent of modern-day General George S. Patton with his silver helmet, gold braid on his spotless tunic, the crisp trousers stuffed into calvary boots and the full-throated martial music in the background, all against a sun-drenched parade ground.

But now it’s evening and we are in the darkened stables (again that symbolic symbolism!). The hapless Flounder is grappling with Trooper and a disturbing scene of neo-animalism ensues.

After throwing Flounder to the ground, Neidermeyer places a phallic symbol disguised as a carrot between his teeth and invites Trooper to partake, all the while murmuring, “Yeah baby…hmmm, good baby…’is alright…yeah…” A frightened Flounder looks on in horror.

Then our brave Lieutenant takes Flounder outside the stall and roughs him up again before ordering him to do twenty pushups. As Dorfman drops to the ground, Neidermeyer stands astride Dorfman’s rising backside and inserts a second carrot into his mouth to ostensibly feed Trooper, continuing his verbal foreplay…”Oh trooper, baby trooper, come here…cutie pie, yeah, come on, mmmm….” This outlandish scene lasts eight seconds but leaves an imprint in our minds that will last forever. At least longer than Trooper….

For more, visit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GSZCMNYY?ref=sp_email

College humor and classic film: author Jeff Nelligan’s satirical take on ‘Animal House’ and the western canon

Wed, 08 Apr 2026 14:04:47 GMT

He discusses his inspiration for satire and the enduring appeal of “Animal House.”

By Eloisa Bloom

Published April 6, 2026

Famously drawn on Dartmouth fraternity life, the raunchy, exaggerated depictions of Greek social scene and over the top humor in 1978 comedy “Animal House” still resonate with today’s college students. Author Jeff Nelligan explores the film’s cross-cultural bridge in his recently released short satirical book, “When the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor: Animal House in Western Intellectual Thought,” a faux-academic study of “Animal House,” which was co-written by Dartmouth alumnus Chris Miller ’63. In the book, Nelligan frames the film as a cornerstone of the Western intellectual tradition, comparing it to classical works by authors like Homer and Shakespeare. In doing so, Nelligan playfully applies the language of high cultural theory to a film rooted in college chaos and irreverence.

The Dartmouth spoke with Nelligan about his inspiration for the book, his use of satire and the lasting place of “Animal House” in college culture.

Why did you choose to write about Animal House?

JN: Some colleagues and I were discussing a solution to a problem at work, and when someone gave a suggestion, a Gen-Z colleague responded, “Well, that’ll get us on double secret probation.” The room was filled with people across three different generations, and everyone burst into laughter. We all recognized the “Animal House” line and the context of what it meant in the movie. I was astounded by the intergenerational reach this movie had.

I have always wanted to work with “Animal House” because I am a big fan of the movie myself. My sons love it; all my peers from jocks to military guys to political types and artists all love it.

I thought the funniest way to look at the movie would be through this mock-academic piece that explores “Animal House” as a serious movie, like “Gone With the Wind” or “Citizen Kane.” Naturally, the film’s academic setting of Faber College props up this satirical intellectual backdrop.

Can you give a synopsis on your satirical argument of how “Animal House” fits into the Western Canon?

JN: I’m hardly a great scholar, but I appreciate how the depiction of rebellion in “Animal House” fits into the classic trope of cultural subversion in American literature and arts. The rivalry between the Delta House and the preppy Omega fraternity is a classic literary trope: the protagonists not only rebel against the uptight Omegas, who are favored by Faber College’s administration, but also the authoritarian at the school, Dean Wormer.

The 17th century philosopher, Jean Racine, created the famous anti-hero archetype — the distinct socially distracted, insular guy — and I wanted to challenge the centuries-old thesis of the anti-hero. Throughout the book, I look at each character and expand on their complexities.

You go into depth on several “Animal House” characters by comparing them to famous literary icons: Larry and Kent’s transformation from “eager frosh to Pinto and Flounder” is compared to a divine “homeric metamorphosis.” What was your favorite literary parallel you drew in your book?

JN: It sounds so ludicrous to say, but my favorite literary parallel would be connecting Pinto and Flounder’s journey to the Odyssey. They come into the story freshly three days into school, and after entering Delta House during pledge week, suddenly they’re completely changed. Like Odysseus, their journey doesn’t end there.

Starting some place new, especially in college, every kid goes through the challenge of coming of age in a new setting and most of them overcome big life changes. Beyond university, we all undergo self-discovery when finding our identity in a new place. That’s what makes Dorfman and Larry’s transition into Pinto and Flounder so relatable.

To quote your chapter on Bluto, a beloved character and member of the Delta fraternity and known for his heavy drinking and out-of-pocket comments, “… Bluto utters about 2.17% of all dialogue. But he silently commands 100% of the film’s gravity and explosive power.” What makes his character so special for you?

JN: Bluto is definitely my favorite character. Who doesn’t love Bluto? In the book, I make the joke that he should get an Academy Award for eyebrow raising. I wanted to give the actor John Belushi credit for the physical comedy of his acting that brought him huge acclaim. He doesn’t say much in the movie, but he becomes iconic for his facial expressions and eyebrow movement. They’re completely evident in this film, which was Belushi’s big breakthrough. It was that movie that made Belushi iconic, and after that film that he took off as an actor.

In Chapter 4, you write: “What is so refreshing about ‘Animal House’ is its unabashed portrayal of pure unfiltered sexism, neo-pornography and the fetid fish-like stench of misogyny. That’s because we happily rejoice that these shameful practices have since been eradicated forever from American arts, culture and society. The women of Faber College don’t serve as tokens of abuse so much as they remind us of the equality and dignity afforded all women today. Amen.” How can satire be used as a mechanism to reconcile with more problematic, outdated parts of beloved movies such as Animal House?

JN: This line is unfortunately obviously satire because, unfortunately, misogyny and marginalization hasn’t been eradicated from American culture, and I think that’s why the joke still rings true. I have seen how even though movies like ‘Animal House’ are criticized for being outdated, there still exists an undercurrent of misogyny and racism across our media, from Instagram to TikTok or television.

Through satire, I’m hoping to point out here how as a culture we feel like we’re so enlightened and look at a movie like this and think that this degradation isn’t present in today’s society, but it is still prevalent.

The lever of satire pushes people to read statements like this and realize the true issues of society. Issues like sexism and antisemitism joked about in “Animal House” are apparent today. Satire gives people the mechanism to look inwards and realize that unfortunately, nothing has changed.

You depict the rivalry between Delta Tau Chi and Omega Theta Pi as an almost mythic, Shakespearean tale of two opposed houses. The film’s exaggerated display of frat rivalries and “frat bros” definitely still resonates across college campuses and especially among Dartmouth students, where Greek life is very prevalent still today. Why might your satire be appealing to current college students, specifically those at Dartmouth?

JN: Satire in general makes people appreciate the humorous side of life. I think this book will resonate with college kids, especially Dartmouth students, because it offers a lighthearted way of looking at academic writing.

Reliving the movie through a faux academic style is something every Dartmouth student or college academic can understand. Whether in English or philosophy classes, everyone experiences these serious academic, ponderous and sometimes pretentious pieces of literature. You all are in an atmosphere where you have to read so much academic jive, and then this offers the opposite. This pokes fun at everything I was reading every night throughout college. It’s a fun way of looking at academics.

College students understand the setting of “Animal House.” They can draw parallels between these stereotyped characters and their own Greek life, and also understand poking fun at the serious academic life in which they’re surrounded.

This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

"A wimp and a blimp!"

Tue, 31 Mar 2026 16:05:29 GMT

We begin at the very beginning. Where else?

It’s an early autumn evening and two excited freshmen saunter under the swaying elms lining the Faber College quad. It’s fraternity Pledge week and Larry Kroger and Kent Dorfman are on their way, theoretically, to meet new friends and share cheerful bonhomie, forge lifelong bonds and celebrate virtuous brotherhood all around.

Nothing could be further from the truth. These two pilgrims are actually beginning a Homeric Odyssey of the Innocents through the Faber Greek system, at the end of which they will emerge…but hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Now, imagine holding to your eyes a kaleidoscope displaying an array of shifting scenes following our unwitting frosh duo, who serve as the chief catalysts of the film. Along with other chief catalysts. Who are they? Let’s find out.

______________________

“I, state your name…”

Up the steps of a fashionable residence they stroll and a door opens into the Nietzschean hell of Omega Theta Pi.

“Hi there, Doug Neidermeyer. Omega Membership Chairman.”

This wonderfully patronizing voice foreshadows the rocky road ahead for our heroes. While sneering at Larry, Neidermeyer shuts the door on Kent’s head. Moments later, Omega Name Tag Hostesses Mandy Pepperidge and Babs Jansen cruelly take stock of the two, the latter voicing the endearing line that adorns this chapter.

Forcefully guiding them away from the white Anglo-Saxon super-race of winners in the main room, our Membership Chairman delivers Larry and Kent to the nearby Third World sitting room where overt racism, antisemitism and ableism reach an instant and shocking peak.

“Hi there fellas,” says Neidermeyer to the room’s hapless occupants, “I’d like you to meet Ken and Lonnie. Ken, Lonnie, let me introduce you to Mohammad, Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton.” Baleful stares emanate from the unfortunate trio on the couch and the inhabitant of the adjoining wheelchair.

Then with his sphinxlike smile Neidermeyer adds, “Now, just grab yourselves a seat and make yourselves at home.” He forcefully pushes Lonnie onto the couch and then pats the corpulent Ken on the stomach while uttering one of the most vicious lines of the film: “And don’t be shy about helping yourself to the punch and cookies.”

Spine-tingling action presaging the epic battles to come. Indeed, you can almost see the blind and crippled Clayton come to life.

But hold on. Kent escapes this obvious trap to wander into the A-Listers piano lounge where Omega President Greg Marmalard, regency pipe in hand, holds forth to future shock trooper Chip Diller. Let’s listen in:

“Now I’m not going to say Omega is the best house on campus. But a lot of outstanding guys figure they’ll pledge Omega or they won’t pledge at all. We do have more than our fair share of campus leaders. Something that never looks bad on your permanent record, Chip.”

A pushy Chip Diller replies smarmily, “Well sure, everyone I talk to says Omega house is the best but…” Here Chip pauses and then continues, “I hate to seem you know, pushy…” Marmalard breaks in knowingly. “Let the unacceptable candidates worry about that because after tonight – “ Suddenly a sweaty Dorfman lurches into view next to Chip and Greg concludes “…there you are.”

Oozing a mixture of insincerity and guile, Marmalard doesn’t miss a beat. He politely introduces Kent to Mandy Pepperidge and Chip, “…and over there is Terry Arbock, captain of the swim team, and that’s Carl Philips, editor of the Daily Faberian. And over here…” Marmalard skillfully steers him back to the land of the misfit toys “…is Clayton, Sidney, Jugless, Muhammad, Lonnie.” “We already met,” says Kent dolefully. “Ah, super! Then you’ll have plenty to talk about!”

We have glimpsed our pure anti-heroes, Doug and Greg, and the percolating evil of Omega House in just 53 seconds. Are the battle lines drawn in this epic? Not quite yet, but the pencils are being sharpened.

Shaking themselves free of the obvious Omega winners, Larry and Kent are outside again trudging onwards while the latter takes aim at his comrade’s pessimism. “I don’t think you’re trying very hard,” Dorfman says in exasperation. But he finds solace as they approach the known fraternity next door inasmuch as his brother was a Delta. “They gotta take me. It’s like their law. Don’t worry, Larry. I’ll put in a good word for you.”

Moments later, in what some scholars call the most riveting scene in the film, Bluto urinates on their shoes.

Another kaleidoscope of images bombards us from which there is no turning away. Because here we have another door opened - again that crafty symbolism! – and Delta Tau Chi is revealed to our nascent pledges.

It’s a world of absolute mayhem (some use the word “symbolic” as a contrast to the hushed tones of the uptight Omega tea party). The squalid dwelling’s walls are covered in graffiti and cheesy posters and stolen road signs, loud music (a contrapuntal to the Liberace next door) and deafening conversation, beer bottles explode in every room and soon a motorcycle* breaks through the front door and is driven up the stairs to the second floor. Kent interrupts a high-stakes card game and Larry gazes at the breasts of a water-filled mermaid.
____________________

Author’s note: Carefully perceive here how the maudlin “coming of age” youth syndrome, normally years in the making in American life, is compressed into mere moments in this film. Striking.
_____________________

Dorfman is soon introduced by Delta Tau Chi President Robert Hoover to Delta Rush Chairman Eric Stratton and his sidekick, Donald “Boon” Schoenstein. “Ken’s a legacy, Otter” says Hoover earnestly, “His brother Fred was a ’59.” Flounder helpfully interjects. “He says legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.” Otter responds. “Oh well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet case. Like Fred.” Flounder gasps, “My brother!”

Consider: Within five minutes the entire cast – minus one – is introduced. How do the screenwriters do it? Good question.

Let’s fast forward because we can. At the official Delta Tau Chi Membership Meeting photos of Larry and Kent are projected by a slide projector on a beer-soaked bedsheet, provoking derisive cries of outrage and the heaving of empties. But as one savvy brother observes, Delta needs the dues.

It is here we are witness to a unicorn moment which has escaped previous scholars and maybe even my esteemed readers. Dorfman’s pathos-ridden mugshot is shown, prompting Otter to rise to his feet to address his Delta brethren and defend Kent’s obvious unsuitability for any fraternity any where. This is the sole moment of kindly grace we see will see from Otter in the entire film. Noteworthy, but fleeting.

In the seeming next moment, Hoover is wearing pajama bottoms, a Santa Claus jacket and a Viking horned helmet and initiating the pledges with the sacred Delta oath. In between belches, Sergeant-at-Arms Bluto majestically reveals their brotherhood identities, which is followed by the obligatory fraternity bonding scene: beer suds flying in the air and drunk young men dancing together and butchering the lyrics of culturally appropriated music....

"Knowledge is good."

Fri, 20 Mar 2026 15:40:05 GMT

Emile Faber, President of Faber College - 1904

For decades, scholars have wrestled with the cultural implications of the movie Animal House. Regarded as it is alongside Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, and Caddyshack in the pantheon of American cinematic masterpieces, our film asks deeply intriguing questions and alas, provides troubling answers and sometimes no answers at all. Indeed, academicians and discerning moviegoers (like us) must grapple with the following:

- Is Animal House just a low-budget flick recklessly celebrating undergraduate depravity and lovable hijinks?

- Is it a classic tale of Good vs. Evil, a heretofore unexplored theme in American entertainment?

- Or is it a larger, more profound pivot in Western Intellectual Thought using two Greek fraternal societies to overturn the moral impulse in modern culture?

We didn’t know. Until now.

Because by challenging the 17 ^th century French intellectual Jean Racine’s anti-hero construct, we arrive at the author’s brand-new paradigm – the anti-hero hero. I call it the Delta Construct. Less on that later.

Given the vast landscape of Faber College we can only answer the three monumental queries above through a symbolic sorority window examination of the film’s characters: The six titanic leading men, the four misogyny-laden women and the delightfully wacky supporting cast. Each, yes, are outstanding in their own way.

In fact, so powerful are these personalities and so dense is the plot, that only a few academicians and savvy observers grasp that the sweeping panorama of this film takes place in seven short weeks. Yet the masterwork’s sheer dramatic power seems to resonate for eternity.

This then is their story. And our story.

But before we don our symbolic togas and begin this Pledge pilgrimage, two brief notes.

First, since virtually every adult in America who counts is intimately familiar with this cinematic tour de force, the author understands that a blow-by-blow chronological recitation of this classic will be unnecessary.

Second, and most importantly, the author is well aware that undertaking this monumental work requires a simply stupid and futile gesture be done on somebody’s part.

If so, I’m just the guy to do it.

Flag duty and the end of 30 years in politics

Thu, 29 Jan 2026 17:26:42 GMT

It's 8:30 a.m. on a humid August Tuesday and I’m on the roof of the U.S. Capitol, the Dome rising 280 feet directly above. In my arms is a stack of thin boxes and I’m navigating a plywood gangplank leading to a rusted 15-foot flagpole. A colleague joins me carrying more boxes. She opens one and hands me a 2’ by 4’ American flag which I affix to the pole’s lanyard, raise and lower quickly, unfasten and hand to her as she hands me another. A third colleague brings out more boxes and retrieves the ones containing flown flags. This little dance continues for three straight hours.

Afterwards, my colleagues and I carefully re-fold each flag and affix to it a “Certificate of Authenticity from the Architect of the Capitol” reading “This flag was flown over the U.S. Capitol in honor of____” and fill in the blank: “The Greater Bakersfield, California Chamber of Commerce”…the 80 ^th birthday of Wilbert Robinson of Bowie, Maryland, proud veteran of the Vietnam War…”

We will perform this task for five days a week until Congress returns from recess. This is my very first job in Washington, D.C. and obviously, I have what it takes.

***

Flag duty began my 32-year run in politics and government, which ended last week. It included four tours of duty on Capitol Hill working for three Members of Congress, two Presidential appointments serving Cabinet officers in the Departments of State and Health and Human Services, posts at two independent agencies, and a career position at FDA. The jobs were a mix of purely political positions where being on the south side of an election meant cleaning out your desk and getting good at catchy LinkedIn posts – twice that happened - and career federal government stints where the stakes were less exhilarating.

***

I worked principally as press secretary and special assistant. The former job, a common D.C. occupation, was transformed in 2008 with the onset of social media, morphing from daily pronouncements of your boss’s wisdom on the issues of the day to rapid-fire postings on the obvious unreasonableness, even cruelties of your opponents. Sound familiar?

As for the latter occupational specialty, special assistant, the terms ‘bagman’ or ‘fixer’ are more apt: A guy always two steps behind the principal but always ready to step up and fix whatever problem arose in daily political life. Need a special vegan lunch for Congressman Busybody, White House tour tickets for the Big Bad High volleyball team, or the personal phone number of the executive assistant to a heavy-duty lobbyist? I was your guy. Every leader needs a fixer.

Like anyone else who works in D.C., I occasionally participated in a glam political moment – you know, that unique, epic event that would never ever be forgotten in D.C. history Until it was.

***

The best part about government life was working for many men and women who were at the top of their game in the D.C. Swamp, one of the toughest arenas on the planet. Their success, from the vantage point of your humble correspondent, was attributable to four simple rules of life.

“If you can’t measure it, it didn’t happen.”

Every office I was in kept metrics on virtually every aspect of the principal’s week – how many meetings and events attended, X posts, interviews, committee votes, constituent letters, action items completed from memos?! Numbers, numbers, and always keeping score – and always the quest to improve.

“Never lose it.”

In a lifetime of political jobs, I may have heard a boss raise her or his voice half a dozen times, even during and after major-league setbacks. Self-control was their hallmark. One boss, a powerful House Committee chairman once confided to me, “I’m fine that 80 precent of my job is humoring these guys, no matter how crazy they get.” An equally valuable corollary skill: Humility. The ability of these individuals to admit to colleagues and staff when wrong on a particular issue. Which counterintuitively only upped their long-term credibility.

“Something’s always gonna go south.”

Always the need for a plan C. Every initiative during an upcoming day was scoured for what elements would interfere and how, if they occurred, they could be ameliorated. Hence, in the rare times when things did go south, there was always preparation in advance for getting to 80 percent of what was needed.

“Good is not good enough.”

Successful politicians and government leaders – and their staffs – never get complacent. If they do, they’re not long for the Swamp. Everyone is always hustling for the edge. A useful corollary learned from an NCO when I was in the Army: Always have your hand up. Volunteering is at the heart of the hustle, the cheerful willingness to take on the new and unknown and do whatever it takes.

***

And that’s how it all started. On the second day of my first congressional tour the Member solicited volunteers “for a fun recess job that’ll get you out of the office.”

It was flag duty and from that day onwards my government career could only go up.

*****

Nellie's modest job search tips for GenZ

Wed, 10 Sep 2025 18:48:10 GMT

It's all about the hustle and grind

An old friend called last week, a guy I’ve known for 35 years with some of that

time from when we scrambled together in the political swamp on Capitol Hill. After

catching up on the obligatory immature bro stuff he came out with the purpose of

the call: He was seeking advice regarding his daughter.

Marcus was aware of my insufferable books and parenting crusade – unfiltered but

always entertaining - and he was calling me because he was obviously desperate.

“Nellie, I need some help. Courtney moved back home after graduation to job hunt

and we’re all losing it.”

Actually, a lot of parents are losing it right now. 3.9 million souls graduated college

in 2025. Any reasonable person asks how that number can be absorbed into the

American workforce. I certainly do. For example, job postings at Handshake, a

campus recruiting platform (which my Navy recruiter sons uses to identify potential

officers), are down 15% over the past year while the number of applications has

risen by 30%. “The labor market for recent college grads in 2025, so far, is among

the most challenging in the last decade, apart from the pandemic period,” Jaison

Abel, an economist at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, told NPR.

Even more alarming, a majority, 62%, of the Class of 2025 are concerned about

what AI will mean for their jobs. They should be. A recent report by Oxford

Economics noted, “there are signs that entry-level positions are being displaced by

artificial intelligence at higher rates.” And it’s not just anecdotal or “guesses.”

Check out this headline from CNBC: "Generative AI adoption linked to 13% decline in

jobs for young U.S. workers, Stanford study shows."

Hence, when I got the call from Marcus and we chatted about his daughter’s

quandary and our job hustles long ago, I responded to her with the note below, a

distillation of what I’ve gathered over the years. It is longish, but maybe it’s of help

to young people out there. And yes, also to their parents.

_________________________________________

Hey Courtney, ole Nellie will start this out in typical, direct fashion: I’ve been let

go from jobs, out of work, and hustled to find employment at least a dozen times over my

career, both in the olden times with your Dad and just a few years ago. I know the

scene too darn well – the grind, the despair, the up moments, interviews that go nowhere,

phone calls and emails unanswered, rejections piled high, and the unbelievable

relief of being finally hired. Moreover, given my awful political affiliations, the

search was sometimes especially difficult.

1. OK, you just graduated in International Communications .

Now, here are the key questions to ask yourself and if this seems rudimentary,

good – then you’ll have all the answers. What is it you exactly want to do?

Write press releases and produce a ton of social media content; the latter is the

mainstay these days in public affairs and communications work. Work for a

big firm in their corporate communications department on international issues,

work in a small PR firm? Non-profit? Work for the USG? Work in a county or

municipal organization in their communications’ office? If you have no idea

of what these varied workplaces mentioned above are like (and I didn’t know

when I came out of school), then you dig into the Interweb and research them.

Google questions: What is it like working in a corporate communications

office? What about a boutique PR firm? What skills are they looking for?
Do I have a better shot if I say I can in-person five days a week? How do I get

through the front door to an interview? Again, if these are all sophomoric

questions and you know the answer, then it should be easy.

2. Now, maybe the hardest task of all:

Define in three sentences who you are, what you’ve done thus far inside and

outside of college, and how that translates to being a great hire for any

employer. This statement is something that is going to be your pitch to anyone

and everyone, it will be at the top of your resume and on your LinkedIn

profile (more on that later) It will and should come automatically in any

conversation you have with anyone connected with hiring and with all of the

contacts you start to make and to whom you reach out. This is the legendary

“elevator speech” which is concise and winning.

3. There is much, much more to the job search than emails and online

applications.

A typical LinkedIn job posting receives 180 to 220 applicants; many times

this threshold is hit within several hours. Indeed.com notes a job hunter sends

out three to five applications every day. This is an overwhelming blizzard of

online activity. How to set yourself apart?

Get out there. Landing any position comes down to the hustle – in person.

Make incessant phone calls to anyone associated with a job posting and if

directed to VM, leave a VM. Try to set up face-to-face meetings with anyone

and everyone you can find after digging into a job announcement or at a firm

in which you’re interested. Seek – be pushy! – for names and numbers of

relevant individuals. Otherwise, you’re just another email in an Inbox jammed

up with countless other faceless applicants.

4. LinkedIn.

From personal experience, I can't emphasize enough: LinkedIn is a phenomenal

platform. It may not get you a job but your very presence on it is essential. Check

this out: When I joined LinkedIn in 2007 (suggested to me by a lobbyist pal

always savvy on where the world was going) it had about eight million members.

Today that number is 1.1 billion; 239 million of those are Americans, meaning

most of the working and savvy adults in this nation. No doubt you are on it; if

not, creating a LinkedIn profile begins with your resume and here are some tips

to make your profile count. Even better into is at this link:

https://www.linkedin.com/business/sales/blog/profile-best-practices/17-steps-to-

a-better-linkedin-profile-in-2017 /12 steps to a better LinkedIn profile in 2025

1. Photo and background graphic. Look professional – elegant blouse or dress

for women, shirt and tie and even blazer for men. The look should be mature

and alert, not some picture with a fraggly hairdo or a t-shirt. Background

graphic should be solid and substantial, not spacey flowers and moonbeams.

2. Summary statement – that’s the three-sentence pitch noted above plus two

sentences expanding it to include more information. No one will read three

paragraphs of desperate emoting. Keep it short.

3. Experience. This section provides for entries for previous jobs or activities.

Go easy on the jive about “strategic leveraging…policy coordination….cross-

functional synergies…cultural modalities…” Hiring managers roll their eyes at

that gibberish. Emphasize in every entry that you had responsibilities and also

use numbers, i.e. “helped coordinate 9 events in four cities…delivered 11 written

products on…created content receiving 5,000 impressions across X, IG, FB…led

team of 4 students to….” that sort of thing.

4. Network and Connections. You may have 120 connections on your LIn page.

That’s not enough; 54 percent of users have 500 connections and 27 have 500

to a thousand. Send to each connection you already have a quick note that

you’re looking for work along with the three-sentence pitch noted above. It’s

worth every cent to get a Premium membership and to see who is checking

you out and have the ability to send unlimited messages to anyone.

Additionally, it’s easy to do searches on the platform; reach out to alums from

your college in your area of interest, to the affinity groups all over LinkedIn.

Join them, comment on their posts – I mean, you should be doing 10 to 15

comments a day on other peoples’ posts and also be energetic in reposting

their stuff so you get your feed going. You should post material as well – an article

you found of interest, an event. Activity all the time is key.

Important: Outreach: For the individuals who you respect and admire, reach out –

ask them for a 15-minute zoom meeting, informational in nature. Even better,

ask them if you can meet in person. This has the dual benefit of getting you

out of the house and face-to-face with a human being, which is what a job is

all about. Check this out: Search for jobs on LinkedIn | LinkedIn Help /

https://www.linkedin.com/help/linkedin/answer/a511260

These efforts may lead to no jobs but it gets you out there in the real

world. And, the LinkedIn deal is not only just for the immediate desperateness of

the job search, this is for life. In fact, in my realm, any time a name comes up on

a screen or even a conversation, a person will quickly go to the person’s LIn

profile; in our modern age of speed, this profile check is the fastest and most

comprehensive way to get a take on someone.

5. Last, the Grind.

This means reaching relentlessly out to individuals and firms that you

think are a fit for the job you’re looking for. And seeing them in person!

Get out of the house! Identify 10 firms in Philly that you think could be a fit,

even if they’re a reach. Dog them. Not just emails, but phone calls. Leave

voice mails, Get people on the phone and say, hey, can I have 20 minutes of

your time? Work the women especially – they’ll have a soft spot for a girl out

of college and looking to make it. Just get in their offices and then you’ll get

familiar with how to act, dress, and respond to potential employers. This is a

practice run and the repetition will give you invaluable experience for when

you are in the thick of it interviewing. Make this a routine to get out and in the

mix of people who can help you.

You can do it! I know – because I had to do it. As a, ahem, seasoned adult in

2009 when let go by the Obama administration, I did everything you've read

about above, including cold calling at more than 150 Senate and House offices

trying to finesse interviews - anything - with Hill staffers. Humility became my middle

name.

___________________

That’s all Nellie has. Feel free to contact me on any of this stuff. I’ve been in your

position more times than I care to think about. It’s grueling and despairing

sometimes. Sure, the online grind has a place for sure. But there’s a lot more. Only

those who get on the phone and get pushy and get on the streets and go the extra

mile every day are going land something. That should be you.

####

Right now for today!

Sat, 06 Sep 2025 15:36:30 GMT

Three easy acts to help develop your child's character

Given that parents these days are hustling like crazy at work and at home, I decided

to humbly pitch in and do my part: Four Lessons from My Three Sons was written

to be read in a mere 45 minutes (19,000 words, baby).

No adult has time for a 300-page brick filled with gibberish about “holistic empowerment”

and “emotional synergies.” Instead, I delivered a loose narrative of parent and kid stories that make

large, simple points easily relatable to the American family life. Boom!

While the book is short, the theme is long-game in perspective: Developing your

child’s character, confidence, resilience and ambition. No need for Mensa-style

thinking here (I’m not capable of that) – these values are universally known and

timeless. What was timely is how every day I worked doggedly to make these

values a reflex in my three sons as they moved through childhood to adolescence to

college (Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point) and their current occupations

as three military officers in adulthood today.

And speaking of dogged, that’s been yours truly in promoting the book. While it’s

not yet on the New York Times bestseller list (that select crowd of readers would

deem the book cultural appropriation), when I’m fortunate to hustle my way onto

podcasts, I am always prompted to give the host and listeners three things they can

do right now – immediately! - to begin the process of building that resilient kid. It’s

a super ask and I’m going to put it down on paper in case you haven’t heard the

podcasts (which are here: https://www.nelliganbooks.com/podcasts).

Now, the backdrop, as I mentioned above, is playing the long game. As I would

routinely tell my boys: Don’t worry about the end zone, just move the chains. i.e.,

day-to-day life is a series of modest, sometime minuscule advances downfield. So is

parenting.

At the heart of it all is the importance of small steps building routine; nothing takes

place overnight. Changing attitude and behavior then character is a slow motion

build. The only way to pull it off is with parent engagement, the goal being to

provide your child with a new outlook over time. Here’s how you can start right

now:

________________

1. First and forever foremost, the Social Media Contract.

This document covers how much time your child – and you – will spend on a

device every day, at what times the device can be used, and the penalties for

breaking the Contract. Here are four sample Social Media Contracts
(https://www.nelliganbooks.com/how-to-fight-and-triumph-over-your-kids-digital-media-addiction).
Review, discuss and develop one with your child. You’ll thank me.

That’s because anyone who knows Nellie and my decade-long rants knows

that I lay all kid confusion and non-performance at the ravages of what I call

the 'glowing rectangle' – iPhone, iPad, laptop, computer. But go beyond ranting

Nellie to Dr. Jonathan Haidt, he of The Anxious Generation the definitive,

empirical work on the link between digital media and mental health. Stats

galore, all appalling. Breaking the digital addiction is essential. I repeat:

Breaking that addiction is essential.

This is your first step in gaining control of your child. Flinch from everything

else, but don’t flinch from this.

________________

2. The evening stroll.

This may sound off beat, but trust me, it’s tried and true. And yes, you can

call me trad and simplistic. Thank you.

Here’s the deal: The best way to understand and really know your kid is by

simply talking with him or her. Not once a week, or for few minutes a day

in the pell-mell rush of the day, but consistently over time. Hence, one

action I took with my sons was a mandatory 30-minute walk in the evening

through the neighborhood, sometimes with one or two sons, sometimes

with the whole family. It should go without saying no electronics allowed.

On these walks, I was full of questions - easy ones – ‘what’s your fave car,

restaurant…toughest class in school, the easiest?...your hits and misses

today…what about that math test?...let me tell you about this interesting

guy I met today….how about those Redskins?...you guys are playing St.

Paul’s this weekend…what’s your take on….?’ The conversations were easy

and loose

Easy talks become routine and routine becomes reflex. You find out what’s

hot and not with your kids. Sometimes you guide the talk; sometimes they

do. What do you get out of it? You forestall Junior becoming some sullen

jerk hiding in their room always playing video games, disheveled in looks

and mind and spirit. Instead, you get a thinking kid, a socially at ease kid, a

confident kid. And a confident kid becomes a resilient kid.

I took this a step further, as recounted in the book – the Bleacher Report.

Each weekend I’d take one of the sons to the most peaceful place on the

planet – Saturday morning at the high school bleachers overlooking the

football field. With a few bagels in attendance, we’d sprawl out and just

discuss the past week - my work, their school, our individual wins and

losses, all the wonder and magic of the world of a Dad and his sons.

_____________________

4. Reading with your children.

Consider the following and I trust it alarms you: Biennial testing through

National Assessment of Educational Progress – the famed Nation’s Report

Card – shows that two-thirds of U.S. children are unable to read with

proficiency; an astounding 40 percent are essentially nonreaders.

If your child can’t read with ease and aptitude, they are headed for a world

of pain. At this link:
https://www.thenationalliteracyinstitute.com/2024-2025-literacy-statistics

are the appalling consequences of illiteracy for children

and this haunting note:

“The capacity to read and write, commonly known

as literacy, stands out as a pivotal determinant in shaping an individual's

career trajectory. Individuals with literacy skills have access to a broad

spectrum of career possibilities, including highly skilled and well-paying

positions. Conversely, those lacking literacy face severely restricted life

options, with even entry-level, low-skilled jobs posing challenges to

secure.”

Here’s the simple Nellie challenge and it applies especially to those with

young kids. Find a quiet place in your home, sit down, and read to your

children. For the young, here are three suggestions, all series books: Magic

Treehouse, Berenstain Bears, Little House on the Prairie. This will not fail

to move and excite their minds beyond the everyday events – and do not

read from a screen – all hardcovers!

When they reach reading age, have them read to you. When they’re older,

have them sit with you and read their book while you read yours. The

printed word works the mind, the exact opposite of the zombie passivity of

the screen. Get them familiar and comfortable with books because reading

and literacy carries the child to an engaged, successful life. The screen life

leads them to their birthday at 24, where after they eat their cake, they

retreat to their bedroom in your basement and play Minecraft.

_________________

There are other actionable items - weekly family meetings, the monthly calendar,

and additional tips are mentioned in my book.

But I promised three and these are all a great place to start. Today. None cost

anything, none ask for heroic measures, all can easily fit the flow of family life.

They work. I know. I guarantee if you try them you’ll see results. If you don’t,

please email me at Jeff@ResilientSons.com and I’ll send you a free copy of my

book. Because dogged Nellie will never stop hustling to convince you.

######

How to fight and triumph over your kid’s digital media addiction

Sat, 14 Jun 2025 19:37:45 GMT

The Social Media Contract

Anyone who knows Nellie knows my total and absolute loathing of the glowing rectangle – the phone, the iPad, the laptop, the gaming device – and its appalling disfiguration of our youth. Dr. Jonathan Haidt has documented the resulting wasteland in his New York Times best-seller Anxious Generation , which contains overwhelming empirical data on the mental, physical and emotional damage to young people from digital media saturation. The book title says it all.

And here’s what he said, along with another digital research pioneer, Dr. Jean Twenge, in 2021, after a more than a decade of studying the landscape:

“What is the cost to a young person of these lost hours staring mutely at a screen? Social media is strongly linked to unhappiness, especially for girls, with nearly each hour of use marching toward more unhappiness. Heavy users are almost twice as likely to be unhappy as light users. For boys there is little link to unhappiness until three to five hours a day while for girls the uptick in unhappiness appears after an hour of social media use a day.”

How to fight and triumph over this tidal wave of social media and it’s destructive results? First and last, get control. Yeah, say it with me. You’re the parent, they’re the kid. You rule the house. Start with the below and build from there!

The Cell Phone Contract.

Below are three samples of cell phone contracts between a parent and their child. Why three?

Parents and family have different styles of operation. You’ll find that each of these contracts has varying goals, responsibilities and consequences. I trust one or a mix of the three fits your family situation. Or, cut and paste from all the ideas below - decide what fits!

__________________

The first is from Jennifer O’Donnell and the VeryWellFamily.com website. From her bio: “Jennifer O’Donnell is a former writer for Verywell Family covering tween parenting. She has covered parenting and child rearing for more than eight years as an online writer. She digs camping, family movie nights, and yoga. She has been an active volunteer with a children’s service organization since 2001, working primarily with tweens and teens. On parenting she says: ‘There’s so much to enjoy and a lot to worry about. Find a balance and choose your battles carefully.’”

Sample Cell Phone Contract for Parents and Tweens By Jennifer O’Donnell / July 30, 2021

Deciding if your tween is responsible enough to have a cell phone isn’t always an easy decision to make. And once you’ve made it, you will still need to teach your child some basic rules of cell phone ownership, as well as the responsibilities that come with having a cell phone.

Creating a cell phone contract between you and your tween is an excellent way to teach your child about these rules and responsibilities, as well as the consequences for not seeing them through. Be sure you go over every item in your contract, giving your child the opportunity to ask questions and even make suggestions.

The sample phone contract below can get you and your child started. Use the contract as is, or edit it according to your own rules and consequences. Review the contract together periodically, as circumstances and challenges may change.

_______________

Sample Cell Phone Contract

This contract between [Parents’ Names Go Here] and [Tween’s Name Goes Here] establishes family rules and consequences regarding cell phone usage.

[Tween’s Name] Cell Phone Responsibilities

Make a list of your child’s responsibilities, such as:

• I will share my phone’s password with my parents and they may use it to check my phone at any time.

• I will not send threatening or mean texts to others.

• I will not text or place phone calls after 9 p.m.

• I will keep my phone charged at all times.

• I will answer or respond promptly when my parents contact me.

• I will not bring my cell phone to the family dinner table.

• I will not go over our plan’s monthly minutes or text message limits. If I do, I understand that I may be re- sponsible for paying any additional charges or that I may lose my cell phone privileges.

• I understand that I am responsible for knowing where my phone is, and for keeping it in good condition.

• I will obey the rules of etiquette regarding cell phones in public places. I will make sure my phone is turned off when I am in church, restaurants, or other quiet settings.

• I will obey any rules my school has regarding cell phones, such as turning them off during class, or keep- ing them on vibrate while riding the school bus.

• I will alert my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don’t know.

• I will also alert my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cell phone.

• I will not use my cell phone to bully another person.

• I will send no more than texts per day.

• I understand that having a cell phone can be helpful in an emergency, but I know that I must still practice good judgment and make good choices that will keep me out of trouble and out of danger.

• I will not send embarrassing photos of my family or friends to others. In addition, I will not use my phone’s camera to take embarrassing photos of others.

• I will not use my phone to buy or download anything without asking permission first.

Consequences

Then, include the consequences for breaking cell phone usage rules:

• I understand that having a cell phone is a privilege and that if I fail to adhere to this contract, my cell phone privilege may be revoked.

• If needed, I may help pay for the cost of the phone and/ or for excess charges that I incur without permission from my parents.

• I understand that my cell phone may be taken away if I talk back to my parents, fail to do my chores, or fail to keep my grades up.

Parent Responsibilities

Finally, detail the parent responsibilities, including:

• I understand that I will make myself available to answer any questions my child might have about owning a cell phone and using it responsibly.

• I will support my child when they alert me to an alarm- ing message that they have received.

• I will alert my child if our cell phone plan changes and impacts the plan’s minutes.

• I will give my child warning(s) before I take his or her cell phone away.

Signed [Child / Tween / Teen] Signed [Parents] Date

Source: https://www.verywellfamily.com/a-sample-cell- phone-contract-for-parents-and-tweens-3288540

______________________________________

The second sample contract is from Sean Grover and appeared in Psychology Today. H is bio: “A psychotherapist and author with over 25 years of experience with kids and parents. He is a de- signer of award-winning youth programs and leads one of the largest group therapy practices in the United States, in addition to monthly workshops in clinics, medical centers, youth organizations, and schools.”
_________________________

“The Best Technology-Screen Time Contract for Kids” by Sean Glover

Kids crave structure, consistency, and leadership from parents. So rather than go to war over screen time, I recommend establishing a family culture around technology by sitting down and creating a Family Screen Time Contract.

The contract below provides a basic framework, allowing for flexibility and customization based on your kids’ ages and your family’s use of technology. Set aside a time to fill it in together, edit it, or use it as a jumping off point for discussion.

Each family is different, so each contact will be too.

Remember, the contract is not a punishment but a way to set healthy screen time boundaries for everyone in your family, including parents. Screen time devices include smartphones, computers, laptops, televisions and all game systems.

THE FAMILY SCREEN TIME CONTRACT

1. School Nights & Weeknights

Our family shuts down all our devices at o’clock. The devices remain off until the next morning. Devices will not be turned back on until everyone has finished breakfast, and is dressed and ready to leave.

2. Weekends & Holidays

Our family limits screen time on weekends and holidays to

___ hours/minutes per day.

3. Travel Vacations

After arriving at our destination, everyone in our family limits screen time to minutes in the morning and minutes in the evening. We leave our devices in our hotel or vacation homes and don’t take them on activities, such as hiking, going to the beach, cycling, etc. If needed, one device may be designated to be used for directions, photos ,or emergency calls.

4. Screen Time Blackouts

Our family does not use our devices when we have: (check all that apply)

Meals together

Family gatherings

Friends visiting

Playdates

Sleepovers

To walk or drive

Add your personal family guidelines here:

5. Device Storage & Charging

Our family does not store or charge tech devices in our bed- rooms or playrooms. Instead, we keep our devices in a communal space, which is… .

6. Screen Time Privilege

Devices aren’t available after school until homework and chores are completed. Chores may include:

Making beds

Tidying up rooms

Doing dishes

Taking care of pets

Helping prepare dinner

Add your additional family chores here:

7. Alternatives to Screen Time

Our family recognizes that too much screen time is unhealthy. As a family, we each have weekly physical and creative activities such as (check at least three):

Exercise

Sports

Musical instruments

Art

Dance

Reading for pleasure

Add your own special activities here:

Signed [Kid/Kids] [Parents]

__________________________

The third sample is from the irrepressible Josh Shipp, a well-known parenting commentator and life force. His bio: “Statistically, Josh Shipp should be dead, in jail, or homeless. But his success as a preeminent author, speaker, and global youth empowerment expert is living proof of the power of one caring adult. A former at-risk foster kid turned youth advocate, Josh is renowned for the documentary TV series on A&E that followed his groundbreaking work with youth and families.”

CELL PHONE AGREEMENT

Dear Caring Adult,

This contract is designed to create an open line of communication between you and your kid regarding their cell phone.

The goal is to help your kid become a well-rounded person who can coexist with technology, NOT be ruled by it.

You probably find yourself in one of two situations:

1. They already have a cell phone with no clear rules in place.

Expect the conversation to be a bit tougher here. They will feel you are setting the ground rules after the game has begun. Admit that you made a mistake (we all do) and that because you care about them(which you do), that’s why we are doing this.

2. You’re about to give them a cell phone.

GOOD NEWS! There is no better time to get people to agree to what you want, than when you’re handing them a shiny new toy. “I just need you to review and sign this understanding about your cell phone -- then it’s all yours!”

Edit the contract on the next page as needed to make it your own.

Encourage your kid to ask questions…and don’t be afraid to have a few laughs along the way. Cheers,

Josh Shipp

Founder, OneCaringAdult

______________________________

Dear _______.

CONGRATS! You’ve proven yourself mature and responsible enough for your own cell phone. Given that you have a new cell phone in your hands, we obviously trust you to make good decisions—so why are we making you sign this lame thing that’s loaded with stuff that you probably already know? Well, let me get to the point.

A cell phone is more than a piece of technology. If used wrongly, it can be a weapon that puts your safety at risk. You’ve always been a great kid, and we want to make sure that you continue making smart choices.

The goal of this agreement is to make sure that you’re always safe and happy—and that we always maintain a direct and open line of communication. I’m asking you to always use your phone for good and to ask for help from me or a trusted adult when a situation leaves you feeling scared or unsure.

I. Cell Phone Agreement - RULES

1) I understand that the rules below are for my safety and that my parents love me more than anything in the world. I under- stand that my parents want to give me freedom, while also giving me enough security to make smart choices. Initial here:

2) I promise that my parents will always know my phone pass- words. I understand that my parents have a right to look at my phone whenever there’s a need for them to do so, even without my permission.

Initial here:

3) I will hand the phone to one of my parents promptly at __ pm every school night and every weekend night at __ pm. I will get it back at __ am. Initial here:

4) I will not send or receive naked photos. Ever. I understand that there could be serious legal consequences that could put mine and my parents’ future at-risk. Initial here:

5) I will never search for porn or anything else that I wouldn’t want my grandma finding. Initial here:

6) I understand that my behavior on my phone can impact my future reputation—even in ways that I am not able to predict or see. Initial here:

7) I will tell my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don’t know. I will also tell my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cell phone. Initial here:

8) When I’m old enough, I won’t text and drive. I understand it’s dangerous and stupid. Initial here:

9) I will turn off, silence, and put my phone away in public – especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. I am not a rude person. I will not allow the phone to change this important part of who I am. Initial here:

10) I will NEVER use my phone to bully or tease anyone, even if others think it’s funny. Initial here:

I understand that having this phone is not a right–it is a privilege that can be taken away. As such, I have read the following document and agree to the above rules. I understand that if I have any questions, I should ask.

Sign here

II. Cell Phone Agreement

CONSEQUENCES

Violation Consequence

1st time

● Loss of the device - I broke the rule with for 6-days

● Sit-down discussion

2nd time

● Loss of the device I broke the rule with for one week

● Sit-down discussion

3rd time
● Loss of the device I broke the rule with for two weeks

● Sit-down discussion

● Loss of the device I broke the rule with until further notice.

4th time

(or if the violation is unlawful)

● In order to regain use of the device, I should be able to make a clear case about what will be different moving forward.

● Consider the help of a professional counselor to help get to the under- lying cause of disregard for the rules.

I understand that having this phone is not a right – it is a privilege that can be taken away. As such, I have read the following document and agree to the above consequences.

I understand that if I have any questions, I should ask. Signatures Here

Date / Signatures

And there you have it. Get going on this tonight. Take control. Or risk losing your kid. Because yes, it's that simple.

How to make the most of the 75 percent

Sun, 01 Jun 2025 22:08:56 GMT

Prove me right.

Last week we confronted the stunning 75 percent marker; that is, 75

percent of the time you will spend with your child is over by the time he or

she turns 12 years old.

Full disclosure: I didn’t know this when my sons were young. But. I was

fortunate to know intuitively that getting to a kid early and often was key.

If you’re giving him or her the drill at 4 years old, they are unlikely to

become, in the elegant words of my neighborhood pal decades ago, “a

freakin’ little monster.” So much for eloquence. But it’s a truth that

endures.

Hence, here’s your crucial parenting window for teaching and guiding

personal conduct, confidence, resilience and ambition in your sons and

daughters. Not only does this undertaking require tactics that are

constantly reinforced, it requires articulating these concepts in the right

fashion.

And this is where come up against the true and real day to day mechanics,

far away from the airy fairy reaches of Platitude Land.

My own mechanics in driving home the values above were basic and

simple and are explained in my book, Four Lessons from My Three Sons.

I began this way….

Beginning when the eldest was in first grade, I took great care in

explaining to each kid individually in the simplest terms possible the basic

qualities to which I wanted them to aspire. Where and How were key.

Of course, young kids are not built to absorb high-sounding lectures on

integrity, self-assurance, and aspirations. No kid is going to understand

that stratospheric approach, however earnest a parent might be. But you

can get through to them in a basic way and to do so you start simply. Here

they are below and perhaps you’ll find them a good starting point as you

put it all together for you and your child.

______________

Explanations in Solitude

The Where: In this halcyon world, you must have your child’s full,

undivided attention. This rules out a room in the house or the backyard

porch or a restaurant or a shopping mall or driving somewhere in a car.

None of these places provides the total calm and isolation necessary.

That’s why I settled on an ideal place of peace and quiet and no

distractions: A Saturday morning in the bleachers fronting the fields of our

local high school, a poignant venue where there was only the two of us.

The How: As we sat together I would engage them first with simple

conversation about easy subjects from their everyday life (as described at

the top of Chapter 3 in my book). Then I’d gently guide the talk to the

main elements of a kid’s life: School, friends, sports, their siblings. These

self-style Bleacher Reports became a fond ritual – every two or three

weeks for each kid. And let me note here these meetings with my sons

persist to this day when they are home from various military deployments

and duties.

__________________

Fearless Judging

If you’ve read my book or blogs or listening to my sometimes outrageous podcasts, you’ve

probably been either mildly surprised or totally outraged. Good – that’s the

point. As I said in the book’s Preface, I don’t live in a temporizing, hand-

wringing, enabling fantasy world - where individuals grasp their “own

truths” as they huddle in “safe spaces,” where “privilege” is constantly

being “checked” and everyone yearns for “more me time!”

I live in that real world where there is no “magic” as Colin Powell says,

where there is a mix of true success and confusion and major

disappointments, where daily life demands decent behavior and humor and

grit, where kids (and adults) must learn to strive and succeed or quickly

get back up again after failing.

My worldview often involves judgments – good and bad – about people,

places and things. Which is exactly how I operated when my boys and I

were out and about in the every-day life I treasure. No, my head wasn’t

constantly on a swivel seeking allegories and metaphors in everything and

everyone. I knew that if I went overboard with non-stop commentary I’d

lose my sons’ attention That would have been pointless. I was selective.

And the book, blogs and podcasts all document incidents of yours truly

evaluating individuals and situations for yes, the benefit of my sons. From

which I gradually got their buy-in.

________________

Persistence

I never, ever stopped exhorting. In order for my principles to be absorbed,

they had to be sustained over days and weeks and months and years. And

no, I didn’t get through to the boys all the time. But I do know kids and I

know most face the same basic challenges. A kid’s life doesn’t have too

many original elements to it; like I said above – school, friends, sports,

siblings and family. A parent knows the arena and thus can consistently

know what a son or daughter is facing.

Finally, it cannot be said enough so I’ll say it again: You’re the parent.

You’re the leader. You’re in control. You are in charge. Kids don’t know

best. You do. Every Mom and Dad has the experience of being a young

child amongst the patterns of everyday life and knows what works and

what doesn’t.

As I said at the very beginning of my book, this life and world offer up

countless situations for anyone paying attention. That world is out there

for you to navigate with your child, that world you can use to build

character, confidence, and ambition in your kids.

I trust you now have some new ideas on how you can spur resilience in

your sons and daughters. Now it’s up to you to prove me right.

75 percent

Thu, 08 May 2025 23:35:13 GMT

The key parent and kid marker

You’re probably familiar with the old axiom: Parenting is the most important job in

the world in which the only training is on the job.

But I wager you’re not familiar with a less whimsical and far more compelling

fact:

75 percent of the time we will spend with our boy or girl in our lifetime will be

over by the time that child reaches age 12. Here’s an additional shocker: That

figure moves to 90 percent by the time the kid turns 18.

Yes. And consider for a moment what that means. 12 short years – 144 months –

comprise the time you have in which to form your child’s values, attitudes and

behaviors that you dearly hope will carry them through their lives – long after

you’re gone. The personal qualities you model and teach your children will

ultimately determine the type of friends they have, their path through school and

civic life, their work ethic and most important – at least to me – their resilience in

adversity.

Why? Because we all know that while life has its truly wonderful moments – think

family - it’s the obstacles, setbacks, and yes, true unmitigated failures that have the

power, alas, to slow down the natural development of a child into a teen into a

young woman or man. I mean, slow wayyy down.

This is hardly breaking news – in fact it’s simple reality. I’ve seen it up close and

person in a quarter century of being around kids and parents in every realm of life

under the American sun.

Alas, such a slow role to maturity – cue the fantastical “emerging adult” choir - is a

troubling feature of the most recent generation. We know and we see GenZ (age

range 13 to 28) has….challenges. My first and always culprit for this is the now-

recognized addiction to digital media. The resulting damage – mentally, socially,

and physically – is comprehensively outlined in Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s best selling

book, Anxious Generation. Dr. Haidt is an intellect for the age and assembles

indestructible evidence of digital media’s impact on children and teens.

Heck, even vapid Nellie here knows that a kid who spends an average of 8 hours

and 47 minutes a day glued to a screen is a kid on the way to crazy land.

Dr. Haidt’s empirical masterpiece, unsurprisingly, is reflected in the following

numbers: 42% to 61% of GenZ have been diagnosed with mental health conditions

such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, and post-traumatic stress disorder. A third of

GenZ young people are overweight or obese; 41 percent report living with chronic

condition and 45 percent of 18-30 year-olds live at home with their parents.

Oh, and in that Real World past school days where kids begin their ascent into

adulthood? 58 percent of hiring managers say college grads are unprepared for the

workforce. 60 percent say they fire a new hire GenZ within a year and… wait for

it….one in four GenZ bring their parents to job interviews. “My son is a wonderful

boy – he takes the trash out and sometimes washes the supper dishes!” Get a grip,

Mom.

Of course, inter-generational snark is as old as Socrates whining about Plato’s

laziness. But let me emphasize: All of the figures above are not some recitation of

preachy anecdotes from an old crank. All of the above are facts.

And here we are. Something very wrong has happened to this cohort of kids, 69

million in total. The culture via the screen has had an inordinate impact on their

lives; that’s what Dr. Haidt’s 400 pages are all about. Is this because of the absence

of strong, engaged, disciplined parenting?

Hence, ask yourself the simple question: How do you want your child to handle

that Real World outside the front door, the schools, the peers, the athletic fields and

theatrical stages and the Robotics club, the neighborhood, the…. Will your child

have the character, drive, fortitude, kindness and personal discipline to succeed in life?

Now think about the 75 percent figure. And then this: The kid who probably won't end up in the statistics above is

the one whose parents develop her or his values and behaviors early in life.

Next up: Three ways in which you can do so.

Old School with Rick Hess - Simple advice for Raising virtuous kids

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 14:26:33 GMT

Musing on the practical wisdom of Four Lessons from My Three Sons

 OLD SCHOOL WITH RICK HESS

Simple, Sensible Advice for Raising Virtuous Kids

Musing on the practical wisdom of Four Lessons from My Three Sons

This week, we’ll be lighting the menorah a couple feet from the Christmas tree. Only in

America.

Contemplating such moments always leaves me amazed by such blessings and how they have

come by a combination of luck and hard-earned wisdom. In this instance, it brought to mind a

slender book I had a chance to read earlier this fall.

Author Jeff Nelligan penned Four Lessons from My Three Sons to share his experiences trying

to teach his kids “the basic universal virtues—civility, confidence, resilience and ambition.”

You can’t get any more old school than that. It’s a book about parenting, but pretty much the

whole of it applies equally to teaching and mentoring.

This is simple, sensible stuff. It feels to me like we don’t spend enough time nowadays on the

simple, sensible stuff. We should spend more. Readers won’t find much that’s surprising, but

they’ll find good sense, encouragement, and some useful nuggets.

Nelligan starts with a simple but oft-confounding question: “How do you get a kid to pay

attention?” Schools pay experts and professional trainers a lot of money for answers to that

question. But I suspect Nelligan’s pithy advice may frequently prove more useful.

Recognizing that kids are going to roll their eyes at parental lectures, Nelligan suggests pointing

out specific examples of good and bad behavior as we see them unfold in real time. He tells of

one such experience while leaving a football field with his boys. They watched one of the

players walk off, with his dad carrying his equipment bag and his mom carrying his helmet,

while the boy walked “ten feet ahead . . . texting furiously on a cell phone.” Nelligan’s advice to

his kids? “Don’t ever be like that jackass.”

In an era when sensitivity to feelings may leave some parents hesitant to be this blunt, Nelligan

reminds us that life requires us to constantly make judgments, big and small. He urges parents

(and teachers) to accept that and then be present, principled, and clear in those judgments.

Indeed, he argues that the basics of good conduct are simple. As he puts it, “There’s no intellect

necessary in looking into someone’s eyes when you speak with them. There’s no

expertise needed in shaking hands with an adult and saying Mr., Mrs., or Ms. . . . These are the

easiest, simplest tasks there are.”

When encouraging his kids to be aware of the world around them, Nelligan drills them with

questions. I’ve been known to do something similar, and I quite liked his suggestions: “How

many people in this grocery store do you see wearing college sweatshirts? How many people

are working as waiters in this restaurant? How many out-of-state license plates do you see in

this parking lot?”

Nelligan describes seizing opportunities to reinforce fundamental principles. Like me, he’s a big

believer in timeliness—and that anything other than a respect for punctuality suggests to others

that your time is more valuable than theirs. (My kids have heard me give this little homily many

times. Maybe that’s why Nelligan’s take on this gave me a chuckle.) He tells of a time a family

showed up disruptively late to a school event. Afterward, the family meandered over to him,

with the father explaining, “We were late getting here because we’re always so damn busy.”

Nelligan’s response, in front of his sons? “Yeah, I hear you. Good thing the Nelligans are never

busy.”

There are sensible tips to building a kid’s self-assurance and sense of competence. When his

boys were little, Nelligan would tell them: “You guys are small so if you get lost somewhere in

a bunch of people, look for that guy with a stripe running down their pants. That’s a policeman

or a solider and they’ll help you out.” When his five-year-old got lost at a mall, he stared at legs

until he found a mall security officer.

The volume is hit-or-miss. Some anecdotes fall flat. But it’s an engaging, provocative

contribution. As Nelligan puts it, he wrote this book “with an edge because after 20 years in

Parent World, I know that parenting in this increasingly erratic and questionable culture

demands hard and direct truths, not soft-pedalled equivocation.”

That’s a pretty fair summation of both the book and the need for an old-school approach to

education.

Frederick Hess is an executive editor of Education Next and the author of the blog “Old School."

Five bold perspectives parents can take as their kids play youth sports.

Wed, 08 Jan 2025 13:59:40 GMT

Stephen Borelli

USA Today/January 6, 2024

Jeff Nelligan says he attended about 2,300 of his three sons’ games over 22 years.

When they played on school teams, he would wear a jacket and tie or a suit as he watched them. “I know how hard you work to get better, all the hours and practices,” Nelligan, who has become a noted commentator on American parenting, recalls telling his boys. “These games are important to you and the wins are huge and the losses hurt. So when

I show up dressed up nicely, it’s my way of showing you and your team the respect you

deserve.”

The gesture, which he admits can be interpreted as “way out there,” was symbolic of the qualities he was trying to instill in his kids: Respect, confidence, motivation and self-satisfaction.

“If I am constantly asking them to carry themselves with poise and self-respect, shouldn’t I model that?” he writes in his book, Four Lessons From My Three Sons: How You Can Raise Resilient Kids.

A public affairs executive in Washington, D.C., and an Army reserve veteran, Nelligan has a hard-edged yet practical and self-effacing take on parenting. He has one simple premise: Our job is not just to build a relationship with our kids. We already have that. It’s to help them build a relationship with the world.

Outside your front door, “you’ll find all the examples of human behaviors and actions you’ll ever need,” Nelligan writes. “Daily life offers up events where you encounter the good, the bad and the inspirational in human nature, all of which you can point out to your kids.”

Sports, he implores, plays a critical role in our kids’ discoveries: What they like and dislike; how they fit in; and how they ultimately conduct themselves.

"The presence of athletics in their lives from an early age was a major factor in their personal development way beyond the playing fields,” Nelligan, whose sons played collegiately at the varsity or club level, tells USA TODAY Sports.

The Nelligan Family: Braden, Jeff, KoiKoi, and Devlin

The start of a new year is often when we look for ways to adjust our outlook. Drawing on Nelligan, and a few of those figures in the world we can encourage our kids to observe, here are five bold perspectives youth sports parents can take into 2025:

'Enjoy yourself': Let your kids see you more than hear you at games

Where were you?

The words came from our ninth grader after a baseball game last fall. My wife and I had walked in a few minutes late.

Our son was the starting pitcher that day. It was disruptive to him that we weren’t there, just like it was disruptive to his teammate whose mom gave him batting tips while he was in the on-deck circle.

We put so much time and effort into finding the “best” coaches or finding the “right” travel or club teams or instructing our kids as they play that perhaps we sometimes downplay the significance of our mere presence.

“Leading from the front means always show up,” Nelligan writes. “If they have an event, so do you. It’s vital you show the flag, even if they don’t run up to you and acknowledge that you’re there.”

When our kids spot us in a crowd, we instantly connect with them. This is not codepedence. Even as an established star, future Hall of Famer Derek Jeter didn’t feel completely comfortable until he located his parents in the crowd.

Your connection is a signal of the commitment you have to one another to experience this sports journey together.

To get the most out of your kid’s sports experience, make it an exercise in self-discovery. Instead of instructing, why not sit, cheer and let your kid try and figure out the intricacies of the game? It’s how they develop autonomy. There will be plenty of time to discuss the game later.

“Dad, enjoy yourself,” my older son, a junior in high school, likes to tell me when he sees me too amped up ahead of time.

Yes, blowout losses or the moments when your kid doesn’t play well can be stressful. But seeing everything unfold, and how your kid handles it, can be one of the true rewards of kids sports.

'Just get the ball to Louie': Your kid doesn't have to be the star to reap the full benefits of sports

The hoarse shouts – Just get the ball to Louie! – could be heard in the tense moments of Braden Nelligan's travel lacrosse games. They were from Marc Dubick, the head coach.

“Louie” was Dubick’s son.

We’ve all seen this, right? Just another coach favoring his kid?

Nelligan and his sons discussed the situation on the way home and even mimicked the coach’s words. But they all came to realize that Louie, who went on to star at Maryland, gave the team its best chance to score during crunch time.

“In any kind of situation, you have to know how you fit into it all, how you can help the overall effort,” Nelligan told his boys. “You have to be self-aware and that means when you’re on the field and losing, you gotta work to get the ball to Louie.”

The words became a family metaphor for figuring out your role in life situations, whether it be school, sports or other social events.

Sometimes we push kids into sports, or other activities, with unrealistic expectations. Instead, Nelligan suggests, allow them to figure out their roles for themselves.

“They intuitively knew how comfortable or uncomfortable they were,” he says of his sons when he let them be.

COACH STEVE: How do I deal with a bad coach? Here are three steps

'It's the end of the world': Your kid will learn way more from a loss than he or she will from a win

On New Year’s Day, Texas faced 4th-and-13 and the end of its season.

Arizona State led 31-24 in overtime of the Peach Bowl College Football Playoff quarterfinal. Everyone, it seemed, especially the ebullient Sun Devils and their fans, sensed the Longhorns were done.

Then Quinn Ewers found Matthew Golden on a quick strike to the end zone. The 28- yard touchdown pass turned the game. Texas won 39-31 in two overtimes.

It was the kind of surprising – if not freakish – play that seems to happen at youth sports events much more often. We’ve all been a part of them, and the aftermath of such moments can be excruciating.

Even Arizona State coach Kenny Dillingham had to nudge some of his players back toward to the field in the immediate aftermath of the mind-numbing loss to Texas.

“Yeah, you lost the game,” Dillingham said afterward. “Doesn’t mean you just get to leave. Like you shake hands. That’s what you do. That’s sportsmanship.”

It's a constant theme Nelligan drills home: Those losing moments, more so than the winning ones, can make your kids resilient. They’re uncomfortable, and they’re necessary.

When he was once in between jobs, and he was explaining the situation with his sons, Nelligan said to them: “Yeah, it’s the end of the world.”

He spoke calmly, almost mockingly, acknowledging his situation while also deflating it.

“Nothing is ever as bad as it seems,” he writes in his book. “Everyone has tough times and there are only three choices: Lie to yourself, wallow in self-pity or drive forward.”

COACH STEVE: During the College Football Playoff, let's remember Army-Navy as an example of sportsmanship

'For God's sake, I don't want the heel': Try using humor instead of a lecture

“It’s the end of the world,” became a phrase, like many others, Nelligan's sons would repeat to find levity when confronting problems.

They became the family’s lighthearted way to share their observations of everything that was happening around them.

“If you aren’t baggin’, you aren’t mowin’,” came out of the boys watching their father meticulously bag grass clippings while mowing the yard. The words offered the lesson of seeing things through to the end.

“For God’s sake, I don’t want the heel,” was the exasperated tone from a customer directed at a butcher slicing up a salami for her. It meant you could find humor in any situation, a message especially poignant with sports.

“Humor is the operative factor is reaching a kid,” Nelligan writes.

“Humor always triumphs. No kid responds to lectures but kids respond to a gag, a one- liner, a quip.”

How many times have you tried to offer serious words a wisdom before or during a big game? Looking for a lighter touch, Nelligan once picked up a loose stick during halftime of one of Devlin’s lacrosse games.

“Gonna warm up Wheeler,” he said to Braden.

The preposterous thought of a middle-aged man wearing a suit warming up the varsity goalie had his middle son howling, and the phrase, like the others, became a family staple.

'Setting the example': Our basic conduct requires no skill

When former President Jimmy Carter died last week at 100 , James Martin, a Catholic priest and editor at large at America magazine, shared how his nephew had reached out to the living presidents five years ago.

His nephew sought advice on how to pursue public service. Only Carter responded.

“Be tenacious in fulfilling commitments,” Carter wrote in part, “whether to others or to yourself.”

It’s a valuable lesson in sports. We sometimes find ourselves on a team where we might not like everyone, or the coach, but, as Nelligan says , we force ourselves to get along with everyone to ensure the overall success of the unit. Doing so takes effort.

More basic conduct, though, doesn't require any: Washing your uniform after every game, tucking your jersey in while playing, looking a coach in the eye when you shake his or her hand.

Nelligan has ensured all three of his sons, who went on to serve in the military (two out of the Naval Academy and West Point and one out of Williams College), lived by those principles. But so has he.

“Watching them out on the field or basketball court or wrestling mat or (in) a swimming pool provided basic joy,” he wrote in his book. “All I had do was show up – how hard was that?”

KoiKoi Nelligan during DC Old Glory’s match with the Dallas Jackals

KoiKoi, his youngest son and the West Point graduate, received a waiver from Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin to play with Old Glory DC of Major League Rugby, You’ll find his dad at games. But he won't be wearing his suit.

"I wore a jacket and tie and khakis to his West Point rugby games but once he was with Old Glory, I figured there were no more examples for me to set," Nelligan tells USA TODAY Sports. "By being in the pros, he was now setting the example for me."

Steve Borelli, aka Coach Steve, has been an editor and writer with USA TODAY since 1999. He spent 10 years coaching his two sons’ baseball and basketball teams. He and his wife, Colleen, are now sports parents for a high schooler and middle schooler. His column is posted weekly. For his past columns, click here.

Got a question for Coach Steve you want answered in a column? Email him at sborelli@usatoday.com

The answer to GenZ's struggles: Socialization

Sat, 28 Dec 2024 17:52:03 GMT

Camaraderie, shared interests and personal discipline

Reprinted from The Baltimore Sun / Thursday, December 5th 2024

GUEST COMMENTARY by Jeff Nelligan

Photo above: Shoes and towels sit on the porch of a cabin, Thursday, June 20, 2024, at YMCA Camp Kern in

Oregonia, Ohio. As the first heat wave of the season ripples across the U.S., summer camps are

working to keep their children cool while still letting the kids enjoy being outside with nature.

________________________

Some time ago, I dropped off my two sons, 11 and 10 years old, at a dormitory for kids playing in

a summer lacrosse tourney in New Jersey.

“You’re going to live the barracks life and you need to get used to it,” I told my sons, alluding to

the tales I told them about my Army experiences as an enlisted infantry soldier at Fort Benning.

Ah, the good old days: 80 guys snoring on cots in an open bay, communal shower area, shrieking

sergeants in a frenetic chow hall.

For my two young sons, this tourney was an initial preview of

that kind of socialization — sharing of sleeping quarters and bathrooms, the nonstop give-and-

take of conversation with strangers, and oh yes, the fun of unceasing physical activity led by

hard-nosed coaches with failure and success in old-fashioned competitions where yes, trophies

went only to the winners.

My sons loved it and from then on through adolescence and beyond they never ceased to seek out

these types of close-in interactions.

I recount this past of social assimilation in an immediate present when two recent works —

“Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt and “Generations” by Jean Twenge — have

documented Generation Z’s struggles fueled by digital addiction, accelerated by COVID-19

school closures and lockdowns and characterized by record levels of depression, anxiety and

loneliness.

The cold, hard statistics are troubling. A Gallup survey found that almost half of Gen Z-ers ages

12 to 26 often or always feel anxious and more than one in five often or always feel

depressed; one in three surveyed are taking anxiety medication to try to find relief. According

to McKinsey & Company, over half (55%) of Gen Z-ers report having either been diagnosed or

received treatment for a mental health condition. Beyond the troubled minds is the physical

deterioration: About 56% of Gen Z-ers ages 18 to 25 are obese or overweight. All of this has led

to the cohort’s relative non-assimilation into the normal functions of social, civic and professional

life.

Hence, as a Dad who’s been around Gen Z and their parents for a quarter century, I use the

“barracks life” as a metaphor for socialization with peers in which camaraderie is established and

sustained, shared interests are pursued toward a goal and personal discipline and self-control

developed so as to overcome or at least ameliorate adversity.

These circumstances conducive to socialization are most obviously available for young people on

athletic teams, but the sports simile is easily applicable to young people in marching band, theater

productions, student council, volunteer and community settings and the robotics club.

Gen Z’s lack of social integration is having a real-world impact; the oldest cohort is entering the

workforce and the early dispatches are not good.

A widely publicized survey by Intelligent.com,

an online magazine focused on student life, of 800 managers, directors and executives involved in

the hiring process revealed that 52% of employers say Gen Z-ers have poor communication skills,

57% say they lack professionalism. Additionally, more than half of employers believe Gen Z-ers

deliver poor-quality work and can’t manage their workload. Another recent survey found that an

astounding 26% of Gen Z-ers said they have taken a parent to an interview.

But it’s not just fed-up managers with angst. According to Gallup, only 31% of Gen Z-ers and

young Millennials say they’re engaged at work and 54% say they’re not engaged, while 15% say

they’re actively disengaged. It’s no wonder that 6 in 10 employers had already fired college

graduates who were hired this year.

My three boys are Gen Z-ers and because of their upbringing in team sports — and minimum

screen time per the wisdom of Haidt and Twenge — perhaps took the barracks life to the extreme.

All three are military officers and two graduated from service academies, the ultimate in barracks

life. One son is a military recruiter on the front lines of seeing Gen Z every day and what he tells

me fits with the alarming statistics above.

How do we reverse this trend? It’s simple, but not easy: parent engagement. Parents must make

sustained efforts to push — yes, push — their children to embrace the life of teams and groups

and develop that social confidence. Equally important, parents must also severely limit their

children’s screen time, starting with a social media contract.

An ideal model is found in the

example of Lenore Skenazy, dubbed “America’s Worst Mom” for letting her nine-year-old son

ride the New York subway alone. She has had tremendous nationwide success with her Let

Grow movement, where parents step back and “give kids the independence they need to grow

into capable, confident and happy adults.”

My once-upon-a-time “barracks life” observation underscores that an engaged kid is a resilient,

confident kid, one whose parents have taught him or her to build strong relationships with the

world outside the front door. If that doesn’t occur, Mom may find herself sitting next to her kid as

she stares across a desk at a bewildered hiring manager, wondering when it all went south.

Jeff Nelligan (jeff@resilientsons.com) is a public affairs executive in Washington, D.C.

Sample Family Social Media Contracts

Sun, 20 Oct 2024 22:23:29 GMT

How you can end the digital addiction nightmare

To all Moms and Dads,

Below are three samples of cell phone contracts between a

parent and their child. Why three?

Parents and family have different styles of operation. You’ll find

that each of these contracts has varying goals, responsibilities

and consequences. I trust one or a mix of the three fits your

family situation.

__________________

The first is from Jennifer O’Donnell and the VeryWellFamily.

com website; her bio: “Jennifer O’Donnell is a former writer

for Verywell Family covering tween parenting. She has covered

parenting and child rearing for more than 8 years as an online

writer. She digs camping, family movie nights, and yoga. She

has been an active volunteer with a children’s service organization

since 2001, working primarily with tweens and teens.

On parenting she says: ‘There’s so much to enjoy and a lot to

worry about. Find a balance and choose your battles carefully.’”

Sample Cell Phone Contract for Parents and Tweens

By Jennifer O’Donnell / July 30, 2021

Deciding if your tween is responsible enough to have a cell

phone isn’t always an easy decision to make. And once you’ve

made it, you will still need to teach your child some basic rules

of cell phone ownership, as well as the responsibilities that come

with having a cell phone.

Creating a cell phone contract between you and your tween

is an excellent way to teach your child about these rules and

responsibilities, as well as the consequences for not seeing them

through. Be sure you go over every item in your contract, giving

your child the opportunity to ask questions and even make

suggestions.

The sample phone contract below can get you and your child

started. Use the contract as is, or edit it according to your own

rules and consequences. Review the contract together periodically,

as circumstances and challenges may change.

Sample Cell Phone Contract

This contract between [Parents’ Names Go Here] and [Tween’s

Name Goes Here] establishes family rules and consequences

regarding cell phone usage.

[Tween’s Name] Cell Phone Responsibilities

Make a list of your child’s responsibilities, such as:

• I will share my phone’s password with my parents and

they may use it to check my phone at any time.

• I will not send threatening or mean texts to others.

• I will not text or place phone calls after 9 p.m.

• I will keep my phone charged at all times.

• I will answer or respond promptly when my parents

contact me.

• I will not bring my cell phone to the family dinner table.

• I will not go over our plan’s monthly minutes or text

message limits. If I do, I understand that I may be responsible

for paying any additional charges or that I may

lose my cell phone privileges.

• I understand that I am responsible for knowing where

my phone is, and for keeping it in good condition.

• I will obey the rules of etiquette regarding cell phones in

public places. I will make sure my phone is turned

off when I am in church, restaurants, or other quiet

settings.

• I will obey any rules my school has regarding cell

phones, such as turning them off during class, or keeping

them on vibrate while riding the school bus.

• I will alert my parents when I receive suspicious or

alarming phone calls or text messages from people I

don’t know.

• I will also alert my parents if I am being harassed by

someone via my cell phone.

• I will not use my cell phone to bully another person.

• I will send no more than _____ texts per day.

• I understand that having a cell phone can be helpful in

an emergency, but I know that I must still practice good

judgment and make good choices that will keep me out

of trouble and out of danger.

• I will not send embarrassing photos of my family or

friends to others. In addition, I will not use my phone’s

camera to take embarrassing photos of others.

• I will not use my phone to buy or download anything

without asking permission first.

Consequences

Then, include the consequences for breaking cell phone usage

rules:

• I understand that having a cell phone is a privilege and

that if I fail to adhere to this contract, my cell phone

privilege may be revoked.

• If needed, I may help pay for the cost of the phone and/

or for excess charges that I incur without permission

from my parents.

• I understand that my cell phone may be taken away if

I talk back to my parents, fail to do my chores, or fail

to keep my grades up.

Parent Responsibilities

Finally, detail the parent responsibilities, including:

• I understand that I will make myself available to answer

any questions my child might have about owning a cell

phone and using it responsibly.

• I will support my child when they alert me to an alarming

message that they have received.

• I will alert my child if our cell phone plan changes and

impacts the plan’s minutes.

• I will give my child _______ warning(s) before I take

his or her cell phone away.

Signed ______________________ [Child / Tween / Teen]

Signed ______________________________ [Parents]

Date ______________________________

Source: https://www.verywellfamily.com/a-sample-cellphone-

contract-for-parents-and-tweens-3288540

__________________

The second sample contract is from Sean Grover and appeared

in Psychology Today; his bio: “A psychotherapist and author with

over 25 years of experience with kids and parents. He is a designer

of award-winning youth programs and leads one of the

largest group therapy practices in the United States, in addition

to monthly workshops in clinics, medical centers, youth

organizations, and schools.”

“The Best Technology-Screen Time Contract for Kids” by Sean

Glover

Kids crave structure, consistency, and leadership from parents.

So rather than go to war over screen time, I recommend establishing

a family culture around technology by sitting down

and creating a Family Screen Time Contract.

The contract below provides a basic framework, allowing for

flexibility and customization based on your kids’ ages and your

family’s use of technology. Set aside a time to fill it in together,

edit it, or use it as a jumping off point for discussion. Each family

is different, so each contact will be too.

Remember, the contract is not a punishment but a way to set

healthy screen time boundaries for everyone in your family,

including parents. Screen time devices include smartphones,

computers, laptops, televisions and all game systems.

THE ______ FAMILY SCREEN TIME CONTRACT

1. School Nights & Weeknights

Our family shuts down all our devices at __________ o’clock.

The devices remain off until the next morning. Devices will

not be turned back on until everyone has finished breakfast,

and is dressed and ready to leave.

2. Weekends & Holidays

Our family limits screen time on weekends and holidays to

_______ hours/minutes per day.

3. Travel Vacations

After arriving at our destination, everyone in our family limits

screen time to _____ minutes in the morning and ______

minutes in the evening. We leave our devices in our hotel or vacation

homes and don’t take them on activities, such as hiking,

going to the beach, cycling, etc. If needed, one device may be

designated to be used for directions, photos ,or emergency calls.

4. Screen Time Blackouts

Our family does not use our devices when we have: (check all

that apply)

___ Meals together

___ Family gatherings

___ Friends visiting

___ Playdates

___ Sleepovers

___ To walk or drive

Add your personal family guidelines here:

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

5. Device Storage & Charging

Our family does not store or charge tech devices in our bedrooms

or playrooms. Instead, we keep our devices in a communal

space, which is… __ __ __ __.

6. Screen Time Privilege

Devices aren’t available after school until homework and chores

are completed. Chores may include:

___ Making beds

___ Tidying up rooms

___ Doing dishes

___ Taking care of pets

___ Helping prepare dinner

Add your additional family chores here:

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

7. Alternatives to Screen Time

Our family recognizes that too much screen time is unhealthy.

As a family, we each have weekly physical and creative activities

such as (check at least three):

___ Exercise

___ Sports

___ Musical instruments

___ Art

___ Dance

___ Reading for pleasure

Add your own special activities here:

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

Signed ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/

us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201804/

the-best-technology-screen-time-contract-kids

______________________

The third sample is from the irrepressible Josh Shipp, a

well-known parenting commentator. I’ll share his bio again:

“Statistically, Josh Shipp should be dead, in jail, or homeless.

But his success as a preeminent author, speaker, and global

youth empowerment expert is living proof of the power of one

caring adult. A former at-risk foster kid turned youth advocate,

Josh is renowned for the documentary TV series on A&E that

followed his groundbreaking work with youth and families.”

CELL PHONE AGREEMENT

Dear Caring Adult,

This contract is designed to create an open line of communication

between you and your kid regarding their cell phone.

The goal is to help your kid become a well-rounded person

who can coexist with technology, NOT be ruled by it.

You probably find yourself in one of two situations:

1. They already have a cell phone with no clear rules

in place.

Expect the conversation to be a bit tougher here. They will

feel you are setting the ground rules after the game has begun.

Admit that you made a mistake (we all do) and that because you

care about them(which you do), that’s why we are doing this.

2. You’re about to give them a cell phone.

GOOD NEWS! There is no better time to get people to agree

to what you want, than when you’re handing them a shiny new

toy. “I just need you to review and sign this understanding about

your cell phone -- then it’s all yours!”

Edit the contract on the next page as needed to make

it your own.

Encourage your kid to ask questions…

and don’t be afraid to have a few laughs along the way.

Cheers,

Josh Shipp

Founder, OneCaringAdult

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

Dear _________________,

CONGRATS! You’ve proven yourself mature and responsible

enough for your own cell phone. Given that you have a new cell

phone in your hands, we obviously trust you to make good decisions—

so why are we making you sign this lame thing that’s

loaded with stuff that you probably already know?

Well, let me get to the point.

A cell phone is more than a piece of technology. If used wrongly,

it can be a weapon that puts your safety at risk. You’ve always

been a great kid, and we want to make sure that you continue

making smart choices.

The goal of this agreement is to make sure that you’re always

safe and happy—and that we always maintain a direct and open

line of communication. I’m asking you to always use your phone

for good and to ask for help from me or a trusted adult when

a situation leaves you feeling scared or unsure.

I. Cell Phone Agreement - RULES

1) I understand that the rules below are for my safety and that

my parents love me more than anything in the world. I understand

that my parents want to give me freedom, while also giving

me enough security to make smart choices. Initial here:

______

2) I promise that my parents will always know my phone passwords.

I understand that my parents have a right to look at my

phone whenever there’s a need for them to do so, even without

my permission.

Initial here: ______

3) I will hand the phone to one of my parents promptly at _____

pm every school night and every weekend night at _____ pm.

I will get it back at _____ am. Initial here: ______

4) I will not send or receive naked photos. Ever. I understand

that there could be serious legal consequences that could put

mine and my parents’ future at-risk. Initial here: ______

5) I will never search for porn or anything else that I wouldn’t

want my grandma finding. Initial here: ______

6) I understand that my behavior on my phone can impact my

future reputation—even in ways that I am not able to predict

or see. Initial here: ______

7) I will tell my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming

phone calls or text messages from people I don’t know. I will

also tell my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my

cell phone. Initial here: ______

8) When I’m old enough, I won’t text and drive. I understand

it’s dangerous and stupid. Initial here: ______

9) I will turn off, silence, and put my phone away in public–especially

in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with

another human being. I am not a rude person. I will not allow

the phone to change this important part of who I am. Initial

here: ______

10) I will NEVER use my phone to bully or tease anyone, even

if others think it’s funny. Initial here: ______

I understand that having this phone is not a right–it is a privilege

that can be taken away. As such, I have read the following

document and agree to the above rules. I understand that if I

have any questions, I should ask.

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

Sign above

II. Cell Phone Agreement

- CONSEQUENCES

Violation Consequence

1st time ● Loss of the device I

broke the rule with for

6-days

● Sit-down discussion

2nd time

● Loss of the device I

broke the rule with for

one week

● Sit-down discussion

3rd time

● Loss of the device I

broke the rule with for

two weeks

● Sit-down discussion

4th time

(or if the violation is unlawful)

● Loss of the device I

broke the rule with until

further notice.

● In order to regain use of

the device, I should be

able to make a clear case

about what will be different

moving forward.

● Consider the help of a

professional counselor

to help get to the underlying

cause of disregard

for the rules.

I understand that having this phone is not a right–it is a privilege

that can be taken away. As such, I have read the following

document and agree to the above consequences.

I understand that if I have any questions, I should ask.

Signatures Here ____________________

Date ___________________

#####

Record their lives

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 15:26:28 GMT

The Year in Review

In my den is a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf holding 17 three- ring binders (and

counting). Each is labeled chronologically, and each contains, in a rudimentary but

touching way, a hardcopy record of the lives of each of my sons from age ten and

onwards.

Ok, call them scrapbooks and yes, I know, they are totally and unashamedly old

school in a day and age when everything is in a cloud somewhere.

But there’s a reason for this archaic madness and the following explains the modest

beginning of this entire enterprise.

One Christmas when my sons were young, I decided I wanted to give them

something beyond just Star Wars Lego sets and books and clothing and Tonka

trucks. I’m anything but a quick-witted guy but one thing of which I was aware –

and had been for years – was that our home was slowly being overtaken by what I

will call “kids’ stuff.” Maybe this sounds familiar to many parents: Virtually every

room – on bookshelves and in closets and cabinets - contained items that were too

“valuable” to throw away.

You know what I mean: Old schoolwork, “art” and

“drawings” (yes, from when they were three-years old), photos from the last soccer

season and family vacations; the pro- gram from the college football game

someone insisted on keeping; the Earth Day report with glued leaves and twigs;

test papers and report cards and the certificate from the Science Fair and the

community newspaper article with some kid’s name in it. I could go on but I

imagine you get it. Never viewed but never pitched.

One evening in December, I gathered up all of this material, a huge task. I then

searched my computer files and printed all the kids’ photos stored in that

ubiquitous cloud. With literal stacks of this stuff around me, I sat at the kitchen

table, carefully sorting through it and making a pile for each kid, and yes, I

gleefully threw some of it away.

Then I painstakingly placed the items in individual plastic sheet protectors; for

most of the photos, I wrote in black marker a gag caption. I then inserted each

kid’s stuff in a three-ring binder, one for each son, on which the front was written,

“The Year in Review.” Yes, like I said, a scrapbook, with the items chosen for

maximum joy and inspiration and laughs. And ok, I confess to being a scrapbooker.

I wear the title proudly!

The binders were the hit of our Christmas. These weren’t ephemeral thing like toys

or clothes – this was an entire year of page-by-page memories. And it lived way

beyond Christmas – each son pored over the binder throughout the year. Given my

surprising success, each following Christmas came an updated binder for each son.

The photo above captures it nicely. It's a scene repeated every Christmas: The boys reading
through their Year in Review. And bonus: In center background, the bookcase with previous years’ binders.

Certainly, I admit it up front - a “scrapbook” sounds corny. I also admit that some

years, as I sat late at night at the kitchen table fiddling with scissors and glue and

scotch tape, I would have a sudden moment of clarity and ask myself- ‘Wait a

minute, Nellie, get a grip. You’re making a scrapbook for a 15-year-old kid?! An

18-year old kid?!” But I would immediately get over this obvious sanity and drive

on. And every year, each son got their Year.

What was the point? Besides the fact an occasionally maudlin Dad had too much

time on his hands?! The binders gave each son a colorful, however rudimentary,

look at their past year - good memories, glimpses of their achievements, a record

of the family and friends and their signposts. Consider: A kid sees in a past volume

his 3rd- grade report card and pairs it with his college acceptance letter, both

markers of the reach and scope of what the years had held.

Of course, like a few of things in this book, the Year in Review might sound off-

beat. But it was a way of illuminating for all of us how each son developed

throughout the seasons of their lives. And I know for a fact: Seeing what they've done has helped move

them toward what they aspire to do,

Always lead from the front

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 15:13:28 GMT

Which means always show up.

Mark Twain once said, “If you tell the truth, you never have to remember anything.” Here’s the Nellie Corollary- “If you’re authentic, you never have to fake anything.”

That is, if I was going to continually advise – ok, prod and nag - my sons on how they should conduct themselves, I would have to model what I said.

You’ve already read how candid I was with them, even when it was about my own shortcomings. If I pushed them too far they let me know and I was deservedly shut down. In Rebound I recount a humiliating story in which my kids reprimanded me about constantly looking at my work phone while I was at the same time nagging them about too much screen use. When I was fired from a job, I didn’t hide it from them. When I told them they needed to really reach far, I made myself the example of the hapless guy in a creepy office building.

Nor did I flinch from public confrontation. Yes, that kid is a jackass – don’t be like him. The desire to “help kids” sounds nice but has a lifelong downside. Don’t give me lame excuses - if you’re late to something, you’re wrong. Sometimes, Dad is going to leave you and you’re on your own.

All of which is to emphasize: If I was asking them to behave a certain way, I had to as well. If you’re going to judge, you’ll be judged. And that’s why you have to lead from the front.

An example: I just didn’t sit in bleachers encouraging them in their athletic endeavors. I was right there on the fields and in gyms, weeknights and weekends, sweating it out with all three. I coached their teams and drove their teammates to practices and games. I volunteered at their schools for anything and everything. I was always ready to jump to take the boys new places, even when sometimes my heart just wasn’t in it.

And to reiterate, as I pointed out in a National Public Radio (NPR) interview with correspondent Michaeleen Doucleff, I was emphatic about alerting my sons to adults who were total models of confidence, affability and ease, just outstanding role models. “You need to be more like Mr. Gergar and Mr. Pikus. Watch them when you’re around them,” I would explain.

“Think of Mrs. Stillman when you’re about to get really mad.” So it wasn’t just always about “watch Dad” or “listen to Dad,” it was about singling out adults who were doing it right. “Your old man doesn’t own the franchise on how to act.”

None of this requires much effort if you like doing it and I loved doing it. And most of all, when things were going really south for one of my sons, I knew it and yes, adapted.

One of the funniest and yet most revealing stories ever in our family history occurred one summer when my middle son went to stay for a week with his cousins in New Jersey. He called me one morning and said simply, “Hey Dad, can you come get me?”

I was speechless.

Why? Because just 36 hours ago I had dropped him off there, driving 170 miles each way. He explained on the phone that he had become impatient with his cousins sitting around playing video games all day and he want- ed out - “I got stuff to do at home,” he insisted. What?! Normally and keeping in type, I would have told him to just tough it out. Come on, son – adapt! Just take it for four more days.

But he had an edge in his voice. We both knew that he was upset. I was wise enough not to ask for details and paused and then said, “Ok pal, I get it. If that’s what you want, I’ll head up there.” About five hours later I reached the cousins’ home.

And there he was standing in the driveway, his duffle bag on the pavement next to him. Despite the long drive, I laughed to myself - man, this kid wants out! I pulled up to him, leaned from the car window and said, “Hey, I at least gotta check in with Uncle Andy and say hi and tell him thanks for having you, though I sure don’t know why.”

My son nodded as he opened passenger door to throw in his bag. Then he looked over at me and uttered the line for all the ages: “Ok, but don’t turn off the engine.” The four of us repeat this story and that unbelievable quip to this day; it can bring us to tearful laughter. The whole point was that when things got really got unbearable or desperate, Dad wouldn’t flinch. He would come through. Yes, he could be a hardass and sometimes too goofy at times. But when there was real heat on, he would understand and do what needed to be done.

They knew this. They saw this. This is not boasting; it’s how a parent should act. The best way to encapsulate this relationship with my sons is one last story. When I attended their weekday afternoon games for their school teams (and with three sons playing three seasons of sports and summer ball, there were at least three a week for months and years), I always tried to wear a jacket and a tie or a suit. I didn’t always pull it off but I was pretty consistent. The photo atop this post was one of my son's Landon School lacrosse games; attire for this game was easy; I was coming from work on Capitol Hill.

Why? Good question – and here’s the answer, the same one I gave to my sons when they first asked and then stopped asking it: “Boys, listen closely because I’ll say it only once and I know you’ll get it. Here’s the deal. I know how hard you work to get better, all the hours and practices. These games are important to you and the wins are huge and the losses hurt. So when I show up dressed nicely to your games, it’s my way of showing you and your team the respect you deserve.”

Sure, you’re no doubt thinking this is wayyy out there. Perhaps it is. But not to me. It was symbolic of everything I was trying to instill in them. If I am constantly asking them to carry themselves with poise and self-respect, shouldn’t I model that?

Leading from the front also means always show up. If they have an event, so do you. It’s vital you show the flag, even if they don’t run up to you and acknowledge that you’re there, wherever there is.

Sure, it can be a hassle to leave work early and drive 20 miles to a field for an 8th grade soccer game; to hike to some swim meet where your kid is in the water twice for a total of three minutes or to a wrestling match where in all of 20 seconds he is pinned and the day is over for him (and you). Or, and this is the living end: Fight an hour of traffic to a game were the kid doesn’t even get off the bench.

I lived every example above, not as some martyr but because just being there engendered a sense of satisfaction. And guess what. I wasn’t alone – I saw hundreds of hundreds of parents over the years do the same thing.

Indeed, I wrote a commentary for The San Diego Union- Tribune on kids and sports in which I estimated the number of games I’d attended for all three sons. This timeline runs from when the oldest was four-years-old in youth soccer all the way through the senior year of my youngest son’s college career – rec leagues, travel ball, middle school, high school and college games – for 22 years. The number? Approximately 2,300 games.

I know – crazy. Check that – ridiculously crazy. And maybe twenty percent weren’t exactly a funfest – the game was a blowout loss or the kid played badly or not at all. But in general, none of this involved any sacrifice on my part; watching them out on a field or a basketball court or wrestling mat or in swimming pool provided basic joy. All I had to do was show up - how hard was that?!

I really was determined to live the way I was telling my sons to live. They understood that. Lead from the front and over time, your example will drive your kids to live that way too.

Always reach further

Sun, 23 Jun 2024 23:09:14 GMT

“All these good guys are sitting in these office buildings, staring at screens and wondering, ‘What in the hell am I doing here?’”

I’ve been fortunate to have had a number of exciting jobs in

Washington, D.C.: A staffer for three Members of Congress on

Capitol Hill, a special assistant to senior Cabinet members in the

Executive branch, and an advance man on numerous nationwide

political campaigns.

These posts required a minimum of desk

time mutely staring at a screen and a maximum of time in

action, always two steps behind politicians at work in

Washington, D.C. and in their travel all over the nation and the

world.

But even with the glam and excitement, politics is an erratic

game; if you’re not winning, you’re losing and that means

getting fired when your guy is on the south side of an election.

All which led me to find secure work and a stable schedule so as

to be around during my sons’ pre-teen and teenage years.

All of which is to say (and maybe you know this from your own

experience), I know well of what a desk job often consists: The

day-to-day mild drudgery, the relent- less emails and ensuing

chaotic email chains that stretch into oblivion; the routine

meetings - yes, with Wayne and his Ad-hoc Compliance Team

and Stephanie and her self-styled merry band of “Budgeteers!”;

the meticulous track changes in “urgent!” documents that

languish and un-urgently disappear forever; teleconferences and

Zoom calls where dogs bark in the background and someone is

always chewing their lunch out loud.

Hey, I’m no self- pitying martyr; I’m grateful for my job and my colleagues. I dearly

appreciate my regular paycheck because – and I admit this freely

- I know better than you what it’s like not to get that paycheck.

If I wanted one thing for my boys - just one thing - I wanted my

three sons to soar way beyond my endgame resulting in this

commonplace career. I wanted them pursuing a path that led to

exciting endeavors, jobs packed with responsibility, positions

requiring leadership and risk and real rewards.

This was the path on which they were set forth by all that you’ve

read up to now. Middle school and high school were proving

grounds and now it was vital that they approach college and

beyond with imagination and vision. One way I made that

happen, as with the section above, was to show them the dismal

alternatives.

_______________

What with school and athletic and family responsibilities, we

were an active bunch and often we’d be driving through the

nation’s Capital and suburbs throughout the metropolitan area

for all sorts of events and errands. Throughout all these miles of

varied travel, there was only one thing that stayed static: Office

buildings. From one-story to 30 stories, from low-slung brick

pillboxes in office parks to tall concrete and steel monoliths

lined up for blocks, the landscape was uniform and ever-present.

In a funny way, I’ve always thought office buildings, no matter

where or what size, had a kind of brooding feel (just look at the building
in the photo above - positively evil). Hulking

buildings covered from street level to the clouds with

anonymous windows; the gathering point for dozens and

thousands of individuals brought together from the points of the

compass to one single place at a designated time to dig in and

work. (Of course, that is changing now.)

It was one weekend afternoon after a school field trip when it

occurred to me that I could make a point larger than even what

was before our eyes.

“Boys, I want you to notice something,” I said as we drove

down a thoroughfare featuring suburban office parks in

Montgomery County, Maryland. “Check out all these office

buildings. We pretty much see them everywhere we go, all kinds

of sizes.” The boys obligingly looked out the car windows. “Let

me tell you, I’ve worked in these kinds of places and you want

to know a secret about them?” They swung their heads towards

me in expectation; of course I had them.

“Here it is: Behind every window up there is some guy sitting at

a desk with a computer screen in front of him. He’s got a

Redskins coffee mug, a clay pencil holder like the one you made

me in 2nd grade and a photo of his family on the wall. He’s like

about every other guy in that building. At one time, he had some

big dreams about what he wanted to do with his life. He had a

great football career at Landon and was going to play in college,

he was going to make a ton of money in his cousin’s business or

be a Wall Street guy or invent a video game like Madden or sail

around the world or own a restaurant or be a jet pilot. But he’s

not doing that. None of those guys are.”

They looked at me quizzically and the middle kid asked the

obvious, “Then what are they doing?” I paused for effect. “I’ll

tell you what they’re doing. All these good guys are sitting in

these stupid office buildings, staring at screens and wondering,

‘What in the hell am I doing here?’”

The boys laughed at the phrase, a typical Dad utterance. Then I

added, “It’s not that they’re sad or anything. It’s that they

wanted a lot more and somehow didn’t get it.” I knew there was

a faint glimmer of understanding in what I’d said.

We kept driving through the sprawl. The colorless buildings

with their reflected walls of glass, the oceans of empty asphalt

parking lots, the desolation – all of it outlines the gloom pretty

well for a 12-year-old and even an 8-year-old. It did for me.

I went on. “Let me tell you, you don’t want to grow up to be that

office building guy - that guy who had real talent and real drive

and maybe had a good few years but ended up as just another

Joe sitting in front of a screen.” And then the clincher: “I work

in one those boring places and I’m one of those guys. And I’m

telling you, you always need to reach a lot further than me.”

It doesn’t get more honest than that.

The key point here is that it was imperative that my three sons

soar far, far beyond the type of aspiration of landing a nice job

with its unending routine and monotony and incremental

advancement. I was acutely focused, as this entire book

demonstrates, on developing within them the vision to work

hard, discern how to operate in unknown circumstances, play by

the rules, take chances and look long and select a career with

excitement, adventure, and big-time compensation, even if there

was occasional big- time risk.

Thankfully, all three sons are on that path today.

It's all about performance

Mon, 03 Jun 2024 16:10:44 GMT

“‘Diversity. Justice. Inclusiveness.’ Yeah, don’t forget GPA, SATs, All-Conference.”

The first three words in the sub-title above were adorned on banners along the entrance to a high-end prep school in the Mid- Atlantic, symbols of the institution’s virtue. My middle son (the failed trumpet player) and I were there at 8 a.m. for a Sunday lacrosse tournament. And yes, we were wayyyy early.

The last six words in the sub-title were what I added after reading aloud the first three. Sitting in the front seat of the car, my son instantly grinned and began laughing.

The school’s slogans are perfectly noble and prime catchwords of a sensitive age. It’s nice that young people are encouraged to think about high ideals and act accordingly. But at the time, the slogans underscored an ethos, however well-intentioned, that really didn’t cut it with me. In my narrowly wide-ranging world there were other markings: What really counts is doing, not feeling.

Think about it. Perhaps a kid’s life should not be consumed by saluting pop, voguish, beliefs-of-the-day. Maybe a few or most parents – consumed themselves with ensuring that their child can read, write and do math, have worthy friends and pursue worthwhile activities – think the same way. And maybe that’s why a 10-year-old kid confronted with the stark juxtaposition of the words above and what they represent, instantly laughs out loud.

I chuckled as well and then said, “Hey son, you know your old man likes diversity and justice just fine. But there’s a helluva lot more. Like just getting it done.”

“That’s what we gotta do today against St. Paul's“ he replied.

“Bingo, pal,” I responded. “The world – and I mean me, your friends and teachers and coaches – are always looking at you, seeing how you maneuver and perform. That’s the way life works. Attitude and skills and hustle and effort are how you are judged. Don’t ever forget it.” Yes, strong stuff for a young boy. But he understood.

Indeed, he was about to play in a tournament where teams won because they had good, tough players, not because they were righteous or woke. The world rewards and respects accomplishment. Period. If you think otherwise, paste on a big smile when your kid announces he or she has just failed a class.

Perhaps a kid’s life should not be consumed by saluting pop, voguish, beliefs-of-the-day. Maybe a few or most parents – consumed themselves with ensuring that their child can read, write and do math, have worthy friends and pursue worthwhile activities – think the same way. As Colin Powell says, there’s no magic. It’s all about sweat, determination, and hard work.

And no, I wasn’t dismissive of basic civic virtue. For example, I required all three sons to participate in community service. I compelled them to help out at the local YMCA and participate in winter coat drives. I demanded they go to local schools and help tutor disadvantaged kids in math and English. I stood next to them at food banks handing out lunches to folks down on their luck. Good Lord, you want to talk about the real world?! You want to talk about staring human behavior and choices straight in the eye? The boys would come back from these events more thoughtful - and more world-wise - than ever.

The world rewards and respects accomplishment. Period. If you think otherwise, paste on a big smile when your kid announces he or she has just failed a class.

Years later, that same son and I were at that same school for one of his last high school football games. His team lost the game and he played badly and we both knew this wasn’t going to be a fun ride home (no amount of preparation and confidence can erase a fourth-quarter goal- line fumble). We were driving out of the school at dusk when despite his sour mood, he chuckled and pointed out the car window at one of the aforementioned banners.

Spontaneously, I read aloud the first three words. From memory, having heard my pointed, six-word exhortation innumerable times, he laughed and filled in the rest. He had got the joke when he was 10-years-old and after seven-years in an increasingly feelings-saturated, woke world, it was even more funny now.

Wisdom from the college commencement season

Mon, 20 May 2024 16:50:33 GMT

Doing not dreaming. Getting the small stuff right.

Annapolis, Maryland – Right this moment, the Blue Angels (pictured above) are

thundering over my home as the pilots practice for the U.S. Naval Academy

graduation later this week. Virtually anyone who sees these six wonders of

American genius and technology silhouetted against a clear sky feels an intuitive

sense of patriotism and, yes, hears the sound of freedom.

It's Commissioning Week in Annapolis and the graduation moment for seniors all

over the nation, an ideal time to reflect on deserved achievement and equally

important, on finding the road ahead. One milestone shared by every graduate is the

college commencement address.

During the days and years I’ve been to a fair share of graduations at all scholastic

levels, nine for my three sons, four of my own and dozens for friends and their kids

(but hey, whose counting?!). I‘ve even written several commencement addresses for

the politicians for whom I’ve worked.

From all these experiences, ole unfiltered Nellie has observed that at the college

level, there are essentially two kinds of speakers: Those who have actually achieved

something concrete and impressive in their lives, and those who haven’t.

Alas, my own graduation years ago from – let’s call the institution Faber College -

fits in the latter category. It featured an obscure United Nations’ official as the

Commencement speaker (some mercy is due the poor man – he was a stand in;

Leonard Bernstein was scheduled but fell ill) who was “excited” to tell us all about

his simply fascinating bureaucratic career and his “heroic” fight at the State

Department and the UN against the long march of American imperialism and

capitalism. He was of the academic class – shimmering in his unorthodoxy and

“courage.”

"That fellow seemed rather high on himself,” my mild-mannered father observed

afterwards. Yep, Dad - a successful self-made man who at age 15 worked in a

Union Carbide vanadium mine in the Sierra Mountains and at age 18 took part in

the invasion of Okinawa, later spending four months patrolling the streets of Tokyo

as part of the occupation force, even as the UN was being formed in San Francisco

and Dr. Bureaucrat was patrolling library shelves at Big Bad State. Hey, who

knew?! My laid-back old man - both an imperialist and a capitalist!

This unfortunate tone of blissful self-righteousness had not dissipated when years

later, it was time for my eldest son to graduate from Faber. His commencement

speaker was an immigrant Nigerian poet (no, you cannot make this stuff up) and

just a few moments into her remarks she casually informed the crowd: “If you were

born a straight white male or female, well, congratulations, you hit the jackpot.”

There was a collective, audience-wide cringe.

But our “brave” speaker – because that was what she told us she was, donchaknow

– plowed on in the same fashion “…you need to stand for social justice…empower

the voiceless…remake America…”

Oh dear. You fled the squalid slums of Lagos to arrive in tranquil New England –
with its indoor plumbing - to tell us this? And is it your

“bravery” or total lack of self-awareness, at such a celebratory event, to immediately

insult three-quarters of your audience? Yeah, you know, those sad sack parents and

alums who have collectively contributed to the institution’s national preeminence

and financial security so that full tuition and board are gifted to the, ahem, well, you

know.

By midpoint of her speech, in a scene almost exactly duplicating what had

happened during my graduation decades ago, the bleachers were half empty; the

jackpot winners had gathered elsewhere. And they weren’t voiceless.

As I said, the limited, even incomprehensible speeches come from the mediocrities;

the really good ones come from those who have firmly engaged the world,

performed at the tough jobs, have hit the obstacles, and have succeeded.

Here are three…

An absolute knock-out speech was given by Shonda Rhimes at Dartmouth College

in 2014. Rhimes is a famous American television screenwriter, best known as a

showrunner - creator, head writer, and executive producer of numerous popular

television and movie productions.

She was blunt – she told grads to stop dreaming and start doing. “The world has

plenty of dreamers. And while they are busy dreaming, the really happy people, the

really successful people, the really interesting, engaged, powerful people, are busy

doing. So ditch the dream and be a doer, not a dreamer. Whether or not you know

what your ‘passion’ might be. The truth is, it doesn't matter. You don't have to

know. You just have to keep moving forward. You just have to keep doing

something, seizing the next opportunity, staying open to trying something new."

Bang! Ditch the introspection – get moving!

A second favorite was Admiral William McRaven's University of Texas

commencement address, again in 2014. He spoke about his first days of Navy

SEAL training:

“Every morning we were required to make our bed to perfection, a mundane task. It

seemed a little ridiculous at the time, particularly in light of the fact that were

aspiring to be real warriors, tough battle-hardened SEALs, but the wisdom of this

simple act has been proven to me many times over. If you make your bed every

morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a

small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and

another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many

tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life

matter. If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.”

Doing, not dreaming. Getting the small stuff right. Two of the most important

pieces of advice for that road ahead, whether you’re nine-years old or 22.

As I noted, this is Commissioning Week here in Annapolis and it recalls my third

favorite commencement speech, given by President Trump at my middle son’s 2018

graduation from the Naval Academy. Now, whatever your thoughts about the man

and his personality and career, he met the moment in Annapolis and exceeded it.

The audience of parents and relatives and friends sitting in Navy-Marine Corps

Stadium, knew what the graduating Midshipmen had endured for four grueling

years: No-excuse military discipline, barracks life, four straight summers of training

deployments and mandatory softball courses like Electrical Engineering, Calculus

and Thermodynamics.

Twenty percent of the entering class never made it to graduation because unlike
the “safe spaces” of Faber, failure at USNA has

consequences. Seventy-five percent of the class (including my son) were STEM

majors. And funny, unlike Faber, there were no majors in Latinx Gender Studies.

Those Mids, like my son, would soon be in charge of ordnance that could reduce a

thousand voiceless bad guys to ashes in a social justice instant.

Simple and profound, the President brought it in hard and fast to the Midshipmen.

“You have taken the path of hard work and sweat and sacrifice….the word

impossible does not exist for you because the Navy never quits. You are now

leaders in the most powerful and righteous force on the face of the planet!”

Thankfully, no pathetic shots at capitalism from a third-level career bureaucrat

drone; no remaking of America from a fatuous Third World immigrant.

Just pure sound and fury: “You’re among the finest people anywhere in the world,

the smartest, the strongest! You know you will make us proud. You are warriors.

You are fighters! You are champions!”

And then here they were, as in the photo above, blasting the same thunder I’m now

hearing six years later as I heard it then. Practically touching the rim of Navy-

Marine Corps Stadium is the unbelievable winged force of the Blue Angels

streaking over the crowd at 200 mph, symbols of endeavor and accomplishment,

and yes, roaring with the sound of freedom.

####

How to develop and guide ambition in your kid

Thu, 09 May 2024 18:33:11 GMT

Pictured above: Brock Purdy (with Nellie pal, Roz), the 262nd and last pick of the 2022 NFL Draft. "Mr. Irrelevant" grinds his way to the Super Bowl two years later.

“Far better it is, to dare might things, to win glorious triumphs even

though checkered by failure…than to take rank with those poor spirits

who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in a grey

twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt, The Man in the Arena

________________

__________________

Much of my book, Four Lessons from My Three Sons and indeed, virtually

every blog on this site, is pretty loose. During In more than a quarter

century of parenting, I have always maintained that humor and good-

natured authenticity are the operative factors in really reaching a kid.

Indeed, there’s even been a grim kind of comedy in the earlier blog

portraits of the jackass kid; in yours truly being admonished by my self-

aware son; and, in my forthright explanation to my sons of me being fired

from my job.

And what developed during all these years of hijinx and unfiltered takes

on life – in addition to hard-won experience – was that my sons gained a

solid foothold on the real world out there in which we all live. Their

growing capacity to understand and manuever within all sorts of situations

was became visible in the young men they were becoming.

Of course, they weren’t perfect and they aren’t perfect now (Four Lessons,

Chapter 1: there is no “perfect kid.”) However, they were developing

reflexes in their conduct and character. I could see it. So could the

individuals whom my sons were around.

As the days and weeks and months and years gained on us all, I logically

entertained thoughts of their futures. Where does this pattern of behavior

take these boys? How will these personal qualities factor into their

broader ambitions? What was going to be next for all three?

Now, you’ll find no surprise with the following: I firmly believe that

parents have a role in guiding what is next for their kids. No, not a

controlling interest; trying to bend a kid to your will won’t work and often

ends in disaster. But a role, nevertheless.

And with that sentiment in mind, here’s a change-up pitch. Below is a

counter-intuitive case in point on how I stepped in to guide my son’s

activities with an eye on the long game. It may surprise you.

A Nellie Tale

When the two eldest were eight- and seven-years-old respectively, a

schoolteacher encouraged them to take music lessons, one kid on

trombone and the other on trumpet. Even though they gamely began

learning the instruments they weren’t fond of practice and ultimately with

subtle prodding from me they both gave up music for good about six

months later. I was glad they did and told them so.

Yes, I encouraged them to give up. To quit.

Read on.

That’s because I knew the score here. My Dad had been a professional

musician and I was around musicians my entire young life. In addition to

being trombonist in the Los Angeles music scene, my father was also a

skilled orchestrator and did pretty well.

But his particular skills made him an outlier and alas, most of his musician

friends from college (except the pianist in his college jazz combo, Star

Wars composer John Williams) struggled to make it. Decades later, the

music profession for expert instrumental performers is even more hopeless

than it was then. Today, there is no large-scale employment or stability for

talented musicians, even your Mozart-like piano prodigies.

Moreover, the sheer amount of practice required to achieve excellence at

an instrument in a field going nowhere stretches past Oblivion to Infinity.

When the boys began with trombone and trumpet I knew they didn’t have

the skills to become outstanding. And even if I was wrong and the boys

excelled, they would have been rewarded (after years of practicing their

instruments in mostly total isolation) with nights playing weddings and

retro high school reunions while also working a mediocre day job. I knew

this scene. I’d seen it all when I was young. Hence, I was glad they

washed out of music. Why pursue a dead-end?!

However, the boys liked and wanted to play the sport of lacrosse. Here

was an undertaking which they constantly practiced with their peers under

coaches whom I respected. The boys developed good skills and had tough

competition in the metro Washington, D.C. area in which we live.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking and you’re exactly right: Lacrosse is a

nowhere profession. It doesn’t even promise the marvelous future of

playing trombone in an ‘90s cover band. But unlike the regimen of sitting

alone four hours a day practicing scales and concertos, lacrosse gave the

boys priceless, enduring benefits: mental and physical toughness, quick

decision-making skills, the ferocity of competition, and the all-in

camaraderie of their teams. Combined, all these elements would serve the

boys well in every endeavor of life. Sure, no kid ever got a concussion

playing the trombone. But in the scheme of things – in the real world of

character and effort and rewards – the trombonist wouldn’t get much else.

I may be old-school, but I believe ambition is latent; every kid has a

motor. No matter who they are (yes, even the jackass kid) or what their

circumstances, a child has a fire for something. The key is igniting it and

then guiding it.

That’s why with my sons, I focused relentlessly on three concepts:

1. The world measures you by deed and action, not by “feelings” or

opinions;

2. Choices the boys made early on – even at their ages – could well

influence how their lives would play out; and,

3. The boys needed always to seek and reach further than I ever did.

Trigger Warning for the following commentaries:

Some of following is harsh and there’s no attempt at subtlety. Then again,

if you were comfortable with fairy tales, you wouldn’t have made it past

the first piece on this site.

Promote Preparation...and end panic

Mon, 22 Apr 2024 18:23:59 GMT

"The day of days,,,"

In our kitchen we had a large 2’ by 3’ poster board calendar. It served as a one-

month, day-by-day display of everything the family and each individual kid faced

for 30 days. School assignments and tests, chores, athletic practices and games,

extracurricular events, play-dates, yard-work, pickups and drop-offs, parent

commitments and family outings and trips. You name it, it was on the calendar.

At the start of each month the boys rotated in gathering from each family member

their individual upcoming events for the next 30 days and filling out the calendar;

the youngest could barely write legibly but there were no excuses. Glancing at the

calendar several times a day became a reflex habit with all us. In fact, just

seeing one month with each day’s activities listed had a perceptively calming

effect because each of us knew what we were responsible for on any given day.

One evening I found the youngest son alone in the kitchen staring at one part of the

calendar. I knew what event he had on his mind (we’re parents – we know these

things) and I walked up next to him and pointed at the particular date and said,

“The day of days, right?” He nodded silently. And that’s how the saying started, as

the recognition of a signpost event approaching.

_________________

At the top of this piece is the photo my youngest son sent me every
weekday morning. This daily sprint and ladder workout was a daily item

on the Monthly Calendar. Such routine and reflex; small wonder he was an
NCAA First-Team All-American in Rugby at West Point.

________________

The calendar made everything predictable – yeah, call us rigid and robotic. Few

surprises and few conflicts - every kid knew their role, knew what would happen

during a given day, week and month; where everyone knew felt organized and in

control; where there was little uncertainty and lots of structure, all of which helps a

child become more independent and as a result, more confident.

Every Sunday night we’d go through our ritual: “Ok, boys, this week – what’s your

days of days?” Almost always it was a test, or a paper due, a classroom

presentation or a game. It’s relatively simple: young boys and girls have a limited

landscape – school, after school, homework, extracurricular activities. Our Sunday

ritual was a way of forcing them to focus.

Preparation is the opposite of chaos and I know plenty of families who can’t shake

chaos. As with the lovely ex- ample in Chapter 1 and the habitually late Adler

family, every day in a family’s life can be – if you let it – a cliff- hanger, a mad

rush and always the lament that “we’re so crazy busy!” I’d hear that and just shake

my head. Every family has a lot of things going on. If you’re always crazy busy

you’re actually crazy disorganized. Panic becomes the tempo and no kid thrives

with that.

Our schedule didn’t always work precisely and being methodical doesn’t help all

the time. However, it helps most of the time. ‘The day of days’ – over the years

there were plenty of these. And the structure of the monthly calendar had my sons

ready for almost every one of them.

Promote preparation – it will last your kid’s lifetime.

How to foster resilience in your kid

Mon, 01 Apr 2024 14:07:14 GMT

Prepare your kid for the path, not the path for the kid.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill, Triumph and Tragedy

A part of my good-natured approach to parenting was that I occasionally liked seeing one of my

sons in a tight, uncomfortable public situation even when it was nerve- wracking for me and

utterly agonizing for him. Call me counterintuitive but don’t call me unfeeling – ha! No kid

evades the crucibles in life and the sooner he or she learns to confront and absorb them the

better.

I’ve beat this drum enough already but I can’t help myself. As parents, we know that childhood

and adolescence have unavoidable tests and yes, consequences. Victories and failures. We also

know that kid problems are exactly that: kid problems. Transitory and minor-league in the

major schemes of life.

Just think back to your childhood – you encountered reverses as a kid

and guess what, you’re still standing. In the history of mankind no kid and no adult has proven

bulletproof.

Certainly there are serious calamities – injuries or deaths in families, medical situations,

parental discord, financial perils. Some of these can take superhuman effort to overcome. I’ve

had a few and I know you have as well. Each one is a consequence of living. No matter how

decent and self-assured a kid is there are going to be ordeals and sometimes disasters. Check

out this list below – any sound familiar? Maybe you have some to add.

• A boy or girl wrestling with friendships and peer pressure; a kid being sucked into

something they know is wrong.

• A child finding themselves on the outside while everyone else is on the inside.

• A kid struggling with academics, athletics or any kind of pursuit, from failing a class to

not being selected for a school production to riding the bench for an entire season.

• A boy and girl’s awkwardness and confusion as they grow into adolescence.

• Sheer bullying and unkindness. (My youngest son, saddled with thick eyeglasses and big

for his age, entered a brand new school in 5th grade and was taunted for months by kids who

were long-timers there.)

Then there are the personal disappointments that are never revealed to a parent. I know for a

fact that my three sons didn’t share everything with me and I was fine with that – if something

was really bad, I figured they’d tell me. Failures and despair will occur again and again over the

days and years. I know. I saw it in the lives of my three sons – missteps and blunders and

heartache. Real pain.

That’s why when those inevitable moments came where each one hit the wall, I wanted them to

be ready to absorb the distress and instinctively find a way forward. There were three lessons to

impart.

First, I worked hard to persuade all three that the best way of avoiding sagas or at least prevent

them from spinning out of control was to always be prepared for what the day would bring.

Second, I strove to have them react to any setback, large or small with as much calm as they

could muster, always keeping the hit in perspective with regards to the bigger picture.

Third, I wanted them to be able to recover fast from difficult scenes with forthrightness. That

meant to clearly assess the problem, adapt to the changed circumstances and then advance

forward, no matter how slowly.

There’s no way to shield your kid from discomfort. And you

shouldn’t. It’s that old saying: Prepare your kid for the path, not the path for your kid. Beware

the fragile son or daughter.

Inspire self-respect

Mon, 18 Mar 2024 15:07:12 GMT

"Don't ever be like that jackass."

I once saw a kid leave a football field with his Mom hold- ing his helmet, his Dad

holding his big equipment bag and the kid, walking ten feet ahead of them, was

texting furiously on a cell phone. My middle boy had just played in the same game

and all four Nelligans were ambling back to the parking lot. I stopped them and

said “Wait up, guys. Check out that scene,” and nodded at zombie screen-boy and

the two Sherpa parents. I pointed defiantly at the kid and said, “Don’t ever be like

that jackass.” Yes, Dad bringing it in hot. But my boys – and several chuckling

parents and kids within earshot – knew exactly what I meant. Mom and Dad are

humping his gear behind him while he’s buried in his phone. He can’t even be

bothered. Total and complete jackass.

In two decades of being around kids I’ve concluded - perhaps unscientifically –

that there are two basic versions of the jackass child.

First, there’s the aforementioned – rude, self-absorbed, selfish. He or she barely

acknowledges adults, including their own parents, in social situations and often

uses monosyllabic answers when spoken to. She or he is always the critic and

downer among friends, everything is stupid or boring. He or she is constantly

staring at, talking into, or pounding the screen of a phone. This kind of kid reeks of

resentment – and it’s found in all socioeconomic strata - the privileged, the middle

class, the hardscrabble.

The second kind of jackass is wildly undisciplined, always disobedient, the one

who simply will not follow basic directions. This child has “no boundaries” in the

fashionable phrase. They talk when they shouldn’t and ignore rules and can be

counted upon to disrupt every situation.

I know this kind of kid well. I was a rec league basketball coach for one of my

son’s teams and for a very short time we had such a kid on the squad. Let’s call

him Mark. At the first practice he immediately began interrupting me and my

assistant coach, another Dad. Mark then split away from the opening lay-up drills,

running to the other end of the court with one of the balls.

Throughout the rest of the practice he was shoving kids on the court in mad dashes to grab the ball and

would shoot the ball whenever he got it – sometimes from 25 feet. When

admonished, he’d just grin and giggle. (And I’ll say it right here: No, he wasn’t a

kid with Asperger’s Syndrome nor did he have ADHD nor did he take medication

for anything. The parents of boys joining the league were required to disclose all

that).

Simply, Mark was just a major-league brat and half of the first practice was spent

reacting to his misconduct. My assistant coach and I were frustrated beyond

measure. After a second practice featuring his mayhem, I’d had enough. I went

over to Mark’s Dad. “Hey Pat, sorry about this but Mark’s going to have to find

another team.” Pat smiled conspiratorially as if this was all a little game and would

just go away. Then he said, “I know he can be mischievous at times. And after all,

this is just a rec league.” “Yeah,” I responded, “A rec league, not a babysit- ting

league.”

Of course, the guy flashes hot. He knows his kid is out of control. “Mischievous”

is probably the stock term he uses all the time when the kid is called out. I’m not

giving him a news flash. But it’s obvious there have never been repercussions – no

one has ever pushed back. I do and I reiterate: “Mark is off the team.” Pat looks at

me and my grim assistant and says, “But you can’t do this!” “I just did” I reply.

“He’s dragging down our eleven other kids who want to learn and play the game.

Don’t bring him back.”

A few months later I was at the same son’s school volunteering for a student

assembly. A group of parents and I were in the building’s main corridor and all the

kids were lined up in the hallways outside their classrooms, waiting to walk to the

auditorium. I saw my son in one of the lines and gave him a wink. Suddenly,

running through the foyer comes our pal Mark; a teacher’s voice echoes “Stop

right now!”

The kid pays no heed and continues out of sight down another hallway. The

parents standing with me are shocked; they obviously don’t know the kid. I look

back at my son in line and lock eyes with him. I point to where Mark has

disappeared and I slowly mouth the words: Don’t. Ever. Be. My kid doesn’t even

grin. He just nods.

There are plenty of jackass kids in the world. They are bullies or sneaks who egg

on other kids to do something patently wrong. They are the boys who are overtly

creepy to girls and girls who are uncommonly mean to other girls. They’re foul-

mouthed and rude. Their behavior stymies teachers, peers, coaches, their parents.

I’ve seen more than enough Marks and every time I did my sons heard the phrase

above, loud and clear. Even better, they were not afraid to use it when they saw

obvious jerks. All four of us judged the bad and we always knew why we were

doing so.

And always – because remember, the real world never fails to instruct - there is the

bonus-round. That’s when the jackass kid, in full view of spectators, has a cringe-

worthy episode involving abject rudeness to a parent or even better, a full-blown

argument. Sure, it’s excruciating to witness but counter-intuitively, it’s just the

spectacle your kid needs to see.

Once after my eldest and I witnessed a public kid- driven blow-up with his father,

my son said sorrowfully, “Man, I feel bad for that dad.” “I don’t,” I responded.

“He could have stopped that jive a long time ago and didn’t. This is what he

deserves.” My son looked at me sharply and a moment later said, “I get it.”

Sometimes to my sons’ glee, sometimes to their dis- comfort I was always faithful

in identifying that one kid who represents everything wrong. “Don’t ever be that

jackass.” When you see it, say it and your won't.

“Read the crowd”

Mon, 26 Feb 2024 12:57:11 GMT

Teaching your kids how to understand and operate in the real world.

Leave it to the eminent psychologist Ron “Jaws” Jaworski, B.A., Youngstown State, 1973, to define the essence of a confident worldview: “Facemask up!” It was his signature comment when talking about a pro quarterback leaving the pocket and instead of keeping his eyes up field to find the open receiver, was looking down at his feet as he ran.

It’s a plain tale in a cluttered age and the meaning is simple: Be alert. Pay attention. Take in your surroundings. Examine and understand the landscape in front of you. Here’s one for the modern-age kid: Get your eyes off the glowing rectangle and absorb the world. The more one absorbs the world, the more confident one becomes.

Because I have spent many years as an operative in the political realm, I’ve become skilled at helping principals navigate through individuals - five, fifty, five hundred - and I was keen on situational awareness. “SA” as the boys and I called it means eyes and ears focused; it’s about getting a feel for the dynamics of the people whom you are around, and the places in which you find yourself.

I wanted them to have active minds that eschewed taking anything at face value, minds that really tried to understand the behavior and temperaments of their peers and the converse, total strangers. I wanted them to know how to handle themselves in the real world, in routine and unfamiliar circumstances.

Here’s how the instruction began: When they were young – the eldest only nine-years old, the four of us were in a crowded department store where I had gone to buy a blazer. Standing here amidst the press of people, looking for a salesman, I told them in a whisper, which got their immediate attention, “Guys, I want you to watch this closely.”

I carefully walked by several salespeople in the men’s clothing area, glancing back at the boys each time, then circled back past the fourth to a third guy. I got the answer and I help needed from him and came back to the boys. “OK boys, tell me what you saw.” They talked over each other about my walking around and passing by different clerks and then the middle kid spoke for all. “Why did you go to that guy? He wasn’t even next to the jackets.”

“Here’s why, and pay attention. Everywhere you go, in every situation, you gotta look at people and figure them out fast.” Blank stares. I doggedly continued: “If you need some-thing, like I needed this blazer, you need to decide who is the best person to help you. I looked at the four sales guys – their clothes, the way they were standing, if they looked nice and smart, if they were smiling. Then I made my decision and chose that one man because I thought he would help me the most. Gents, you gotta read the crowd.” There was a faint glimmer of understanding, but there was a ways to go.

How did I drive it home? Simple. I made them do it. Not long after, we were in the corridors of a big indoor mall. I took three $5 bills out of my wallet and handed one to each kid. “Here’s the deal. I want each of you to go into one of the stores along here and get change for the fiver. This isn’t a race. You have to go alone and then come back tell me about what you did.”

Of course, I had their total attention. This was action on their part and they were excited. Yeah, I kept an eye on them, the youngest being five. Each one took off, navigating through shoppers, going into various stores, two striking out and coming back out and into other stores.

They were overjoyed, to share their stories when they got back. We did this change-the-five deal often. There were other stunts. I’d have the 9-year-old go into a convenience store with cash – and some of these were rough-and-tumble places - to get beef jerky and Doritos. I’d pull into the parking lot of a carry-out restaurant and instruct the 8-year-old take our order, memorize it, and then go into the place and get it and pay for it. At airports, I put the eldest, then later the middle kid, in charge of getting boarding passes, either from a kiosk or handling everything with an agent while the rest of us stood by. At ages 11 and 10.

All three sons soon became accustomed to this independence. They’d become totally engaged in these “tests” and after they’d be thrilled, as only young boys can be, to talk about their treks. By making it a game, I immediately won the boys’ participation.

Fast forward: The eldest at age 15 is at big train station in New Jersey, confused about schedules and noise and surging people. He gets himself calmed down and starts looking around him and sees a kid carrying an orange duffle bag emblazoned with “McDonogh School Athletics.” My son has played against this school and thus feels comfortable in introducing himself to the kid and asking advice. It turns out the guy knows all about schedules and points s my son to the right train.

The middle kid, not quite eight-years-old, is at a bowling alley and an arcade machine eats his money. He doesn’t lose his cool, loiters around, waits for the same thing to happen to an older kid and then discovers, by watching the older kid, who the attendant is in charge of fiddling with the machine and refunding the money.

Virtually everywhere we went, from the most pedestrian places to the most exciting, we’d play the game. What do you see? Who is doing what? Who is hot and who is not? “Take in all the folks around you, measure them. Which one would you trust? Who is sketchy?” You need to impress upon your son these opportunities in the arena all around us.

The youngest son, six-years old, is at a kids’ party at a big shopping mall, with a pair of hopelessly disorganized parents who drift away with a group of youngsters, leaving my boy and two other kids in the midst of a huge food court. You’re a Dad - you can only imagine the initial panic the kids felt when they realized they were alone.

But aha, Nelligan Junior knows what to do. He recalls what I told him and his brothers once when we were in the surging crowds at a local college football stadium. “You guys are small so if you get lost somewhere in a bunch of people, look for that guy with a stripe running down their pants. That’s a policeman or a soldier and they’ll help out.”

At the mall, my kid tells that to the two other kids and they stand for a few minutes, intently staring at passing legs.They see a mall security officer, who eventually links them up with the irresponsible parents.

Self-assurance just doesn’t happen, it’s gained through encounters of all kinds. Whether it’s a group of four or a mob of several hundred, get them reading the crowd. Here’s a challenge to parents: Undertake one of the examples noted above – gently push your kid into a situation where he or she has to be alert and think on their feet in this everyday world around us all.

You’ll be giving your child an inestimable lesson on the independence that creates a resilient kid.

Spark humor

Mon, 19 Feb 2024 17:05:43 GMT

"For goodness sake, I don't want the heel. "

An exasperated lady had just directed that precious barb at a scowling supermarket

butcher as he was slicing up a two-foot-long salami and the two then became

engaged in a snarky back-and-forth. My middle son was a witness to this exchange

and it became a family classic, providing many laughs and becoming the prompt

for many such stories years afterward.

Here’s how it came about: Virtually every weekend the four of us, often with a

host of parents and kids, would go to the local high school and play football and

lacrosse and soccer chase each other around on the wide-open fields for hours,

even in the colder months.

Part of this ritual was lunch, plain fare eaten at the field. On the day of salami

woman, we were at the grocery store getting provisions and it was the middle kid’s

turn to get lunch meat while the others got French bread and cream soda (like I

said, plain fare). He came back to us at the check-out counter and repeated in a

perfect mimic the entire encounter between the impatient lady and the annoyed

butcher.

We all loved it – it was a genuinely funny story and this sometimes-stoic son was

genuinely excited as he told it. I was so surprised and pleased with the recitation of

the scene that I told the boys they’d get a dollar every time they had a funny story

about something they’d seen. “See how your brother got that one? Boys, the world

is full of these kinds of situations and people and jokes. Keep your eyes and ears

open and go find them.” Obviously, the dollar was a hook but over the years it

became symbolic to both them and me - the real thrill was in them bringing back

something to share.

Of course, it helped that I often acted like a joker as well. When we’d go to a

hamburger place or Mexican restaurant or a pizza joint, I’d order a taco at the first,

a pizza at the second and a burger at the last. Then I’d make a confused scene

feigning surprise when I received the obvious answer to my question – “We don’t

serve that” -- from the waiter. The boys knew this nuttiness was going to play

out and would be giggling in anticipation of the whole routine. Hey, it wasn’t high

comedy but it was funny enough to us.

Once the eldest told us about walking through a parking lot and seeing a woman

accidentally back her car into another and when immediately challenged by the

other car owner – standing next to the fresh dent and the resulting debris on the

ground – the women said the dent “had always been there.” My kid was excited to

tell us and it was a funny story. The youngest is checking in for a soccer camp and

providing information and is asked,

“When is your birthday?” “Every year” he responds. Pay the man, Shirley.

And be ready to surprise them; again, always try to be loose yourself. During

halftime at one of the eldest son’s games, I was carrying a lacrosse stick I’d found

lying near a car in the parking lot. The middle kid and his friends walked by me on

the sidelines at halftime and my son’s face lit up in surprise. “Dad, what are you

doing with that stick?” I responded nonchalantly, “I’m gonna warm-up Wheeler,”

who was the varsity goalie.

Immediately, the kid and his entourage could see the whole scene was so patently

preposterous – the old man in a suit and tie, shuffling out on a field in front of 200

spectators to take practice shots on a premier goalie – that they began howling with

laughter. “Gonna warm up Wheeler” became a family staple. Of course I fell short

a few times going for the laugh but I was always trying.

The most important aspect of this whole exercise was that the boys were

consistently on the look-out for the funny situations, furthering their awareness and

contributing to their upbeat outlook. Our many times together in the everyday

world – and man, get it in your head that’s where we all live – could verge on

laugh-a-minute type affairs sometimes.

All three were and remain good natured kids, quick with a smile and seeking the

good. Let me tell you, this kind of attitude doesn’t just occur out of nowhere. It’s

learned through active example and repetition. Kids who are looking for a gag are

looking and in doing so are absorbing a lot more.

___________________________

Always model calm...

Wed, 07 Feb 2024 17:14:42 GMT

"Yeah, it's the end of the world."

It was a chilly November Sunday at the high school with the Nelligan Four. We’d

had contests to see which duo could get 50 consecutive throws of a lacrosse ball

without a drop, played the end-zone tackling game, kicked soccer balls all over the

place and ran sprints up and down field. Most fun of all was throwing routes to the

boys, even though I have an erratic arm.

The afternoon was winding down and as a regular ritual end to the weekend I said,

“Hey, one more completion and we’ll go get those donuts. Go long, pal” I said to a

kid and then I unleashed a rainbow down field.

As the middle kid maneuvered under the long throw the two others were visibly

upset. “But Dad,” said the eldest in desperation, “You got fired from your job!”

“Yeah, it’s the end of the world,” I replied automatically, watching my pass sail

three feet beyond the middle kid’s out-stretched arms.

Junior was correct. I had just been fired from my job, the cruel fate of a political

appointee whose candidate finishes on the south side of an election. It was true

adversity and the whole family was increasingly anxious about finances, which

was captured by my son’s comment.

“OK men, let’s have a seat in my office,” I told them and we sprawled out at the

50-yard line.

“Look, I’m not going to give you any fairy tales. We all know I’m out of work. But

I’ll find a job – you know I’ll rally. I have you guys to keep me company and

besides, you saw me at QB today – I need to work on my deep ball. So yeah, it’s

the end of the world. Now let’s go get those donuts and when we can’t afford them

you’ll be the first to know.”

“It’s the end of the world.” What a laconic utterance, framed between a lost job

and a bad pass. I couldn’t ignore the obvious but I was determined to set an

example of calm and lower the temperature. I sought to completely deflate the

drama balloon. Perspective, folks: Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Everyone has

tough times and there are only three choices: Lie to yourself, wallow in self-pity or

drive forward.

Acknowledging my situation with equanimity was the best way to prove a point to

the boys and the light, sardonic utterance had an effect. Then a surprising thing

began to happen: My sons began repeating the phrase. I’d hear them saying it when

confronting problems small and large – spilling a quart of milk on the kitchen

floor, an F on a test, arguments with friends.

I was slow to tumble to it at first but then it hit me: Their saying the phrase out loud
– “It’s the end of the world” - gave them an immediate face-saving device,

softening their own worries and even embarrassment over difficulties. After all,
they’d heard me utter it about something hugely distressing to our family (and I
will tell you they never fathomed my own anxiety about being out of work in a

political realm where my skills were almost scorned).

During the days and weeks and months ahead I knew that a son repeating the

phrase – often with mock drama - helped him manage whatever bind he was in. No

hysterics, no spectacles, no days’ long despair. Rather, grudging acceptance with

levity, however manufactured; a sign that the kid had controlled the anxiety and

that he was ready for the next step.

Fast forward: Seven years later it was summer and we were at the same field on

which I’d proved a second-rate quarterback but a candid Dad. The boys were

bigger, faster and stronger and I was employed; thank God my post-election

unemployment hadn’t lasted too long.

We were horsing around and doing sprints from goal line to goal line and whereas

years ago I could hold my own, now even the youngest was beating the old man.

Afterwards we were lying on the turf exhausted and satisfied and staring at a clear

afternoon sky. The eldest son observed, “Dad, we’re all faster than you now.”

“Yeah,” I replied, “it’s the end of the world,” prompting howls of laughter.

How you can develop the confident kid

Sun, 21 Jan 2024 19:40:58 GMT

Prepare your kid for the path, not the path for your kid.

A part of my good-natured approach to parenting was that I occasionally liked seeing one of my

sons in a tight, uncomfortable public situation even when it was nerve- wracking for me and

utterly agonizing for him. Call me counterintuitive but don’t call me unfeeling – ha! No kid

evades the crucibles in life and the sooner he or she learns to confront and absorb them the

better.

I’ve beat this drum enough already but I can’t help my- self. As parents, we know that

childhood and adolescence have unavoidable tests and yes, consequences. Victories and

failures. We also know that kid problems are exactly that: kid problems. Transitory and minor-

league in the major schemes of life. Just think back to your childhood – you encountered

reverses as a kid and guess what, you’re still standing. In the history of mankind no kid and no

adult has proven bulletproof.

Certainly there are serious calamities – injuries or deaths in families, medical situations,

parental discord, financial perils. Some of these can take superhuman effort to overcome. I’ve

had a few and I know you have as well. Each one is a consequence of living. No matter how

decent and self-assured a kid is there are going to be ordeals and sometimes disasters.

Check out this list be- low – any sound familiar? Maybe you have some to add.

• A boy or girl wrestling with friendships and peer pressure; a kid being sucked into

something they know is wrong.

• A child finding themselves on the outside while everyone else is on the inside.

• A kid struggling with academics, athletics or any kind of pursuit, from failing a class to

not be- ing selected for a school production to riding the bench for an entire season.

• A boy and girl’s awkwardness and confusion as they grow into adolescence.

• Sheer bullying and unkindness. (My youngest son, saddled with thick eyeglasses and big

for his age, entered a brand new school in 5th grade and was taunted for months by kids who

were long-timers there.)

Then there are the personal disappointments that are never revealed to a parent. I know for a

fact that my three sons didn’t share everything with me and I was fine with that – if something

was really bad, I figured they’d tell me. Failures and despair will occur again and again over the

days and years. I know. I saw it in the lives of my three sons – missteps and blunders and

heartache. Real pain.

That’s why when those inevitable moments came where each one hit the wall, I wanted them to

be ready to absorb the distress and instinctively find a way forward. There were three lessons to

impart.

First, I worked hard to persuade all three that the best way of avoiding sagas or at least prevent

them from spinning out of control was to always be prepared for what the day would bring.

Second, I strove to have them react to any setback, large or small with as much calm as they

could muster, always keeping the hit in perspective with regards to the bigger picture.

Third, I wanted them to be able to recover fast from difficult scenes with forthrightness. That

meant to clearly assess the problem, adapt to the changed circumstances and then advance

forward, no matter how slowly. There’s no way to shield your kid from discomfort. And you

shouldn’t.

It’s that old saying: Prepare your kid for the path, not the path for your kid. Beware

the fragile son or daughter.

Cultivate self-awareness

Sun, 31 Dec 2023 19:43:10 GMT

"Just get the ball to Louie!"

The most remarkable coach the boys ever had was a guy named Mark Dubick, a neighbor and a former member of the high-powered University of Maryland lacrosse team. The boys were aware of my total respect for the guy and once when the three of us were driving home from a practice the eldest son asked, “Dad, why do you like Coach Dubick so much?” “Because he’s exactly like Drill Sergeant Harrison,” I responded, “Except Coach is short, white, and Jewish.”

Dubick personally selected a 20-member premier travel lacrosse team from about 150 kids at a day-long tryout. Yes, consider that wonder of wonders in this age:

A high-pressure “competition” where kids were harshly “judged” on their “abilities” and those that came up short were “cut.” That is, a setting before which every boy had practiced endless hours and weeks and months trying to improve their skills so they could make this team.

Just think of it: No equality, just quality. No inclusion; in fact, exclusion for about 130 kids. And the only “equity” was that after the tryout the 150 boys and their parents were all notified of the results at the same exact time. Every kid, including my middle son, who made the final roster, was very good; there was one kid who was great – Louie, Coach Dubick’s son.

When things got tight in a game there was one hoarse, penetrating yell you could count on: “Just get the ball to Louie!” In my mind’s eye I can still hear it and see an unshaven Coach Dubick gesturing wildly with his clipboard. Far from being some crazed Dad he was exactly right. Louie was that rare player who could score at crunch time. He was one reason the team was 37-1-1. When the heat was on Louie gave us the best chance to win and every kid and parent knew it.

Driving back from games, we’d talk about it all and sometimes mimic Coach Dubick. It wasn’t in jest because we all respected the guy.

It was a classic phrase and one day the old man decided to make a point. “You know boys, we always hear Coach yelling for Louie when the team’s in a hole. But you know why? Because,” and here I pointed at my son, Louie’s teammate, “We know what he can do and you can’t do. Louie scores when it’s all on the line and you can’t. Sure, you’re good and that’s why you’re on Dubick’s team. But the key here is, in any kind of situation you are in, you have to know how you

fit into it all, how you can help the overall effort. You have to be self-aware and that means when you’re on the field and losing you gotta work to get the ball to Louie.”

As we discussed what I’d said, the explanation slowly began to make sense to them. The boys, like most kids their age, were in all sorts of school and social activities at the time and they intuitively knew how comfortable or uncomfortable they were in these settings. The idea about knowing their role and phrase slowly began to resonate with them; it gave them a foothold on grasping where and how they stood in the various stuff they did.

Indeed, that’s a big part of a girl’s or boy’s life: Understanding how they fit in.

And let me emphasize, this is a landscape way beyond the athletic fields – it’s the whole adolescent world.

The settings are obvious: In a classroom it means respectful behavior and really trying. In social situations, knowing your role means getting along, being genuine, contributing to a peer group with conversation and humor but also listening more than speaking. Self-awareness marks that kid who knows himself or herself and hence doesn’t yield to the pressure to do something stupid.

One of the most important conversations I ever had with my eldest son consisted of nine words. He called me from a friend’s house at 10 p.m. one evening, an hour before I was to pick him up. “Dad, you need to come get me right now.” Driving him home, my son explained that some unknown kids had showed up at the house and started drinking. My kid panicked: Totally illegal behavior, parents letting it slide, underage kids getting drunk and driving. Maybe the police. He knew his role alright – get the hell out of there.

He knew that if the worst happened and it often does, that he’d be caught up in this whole scene. And then forget it: Forget all the achievements; forget the work in the class and on the fields. It wouldn’t be an asterisk on his record, it would be a big red check mark.

The point is, a kid who has this perspective on his surroundings - who is truly self-aware – will intuitively know the next, right step and is not going to find himself or herself in a bad situation.

The older they got the more they were beginning to think for themselves, and a few times that meant big- time reproach for the old man (I told you I’d be brutally honest). When the eldest was in 9th grade, I goaded him - there’s no other word - about running for a student government office at school. “Hey man, you have a lot of friends, you’re a pretty good talker, you really oughta run for something.” He kept demurring and of course, irritating Dad that I was, I kept at it, not even considering that he was fine with who he was at school and what he was doing.

Then one day in the midst of another round of my nagging he looked at me long and hard and said, “Dad, I’m getting the ball to Louie.” I was stunned, and silenced. And that was that.

####

Develop Adaptation!

Sun, 31 Dec 2023 19:27:04 GMT

"I'll be waiting outside."

For three years my sons attended an all-boys middle school which, speaking of

rigidity, was rigid in its own way: Jackets and ties worn at all times, heavy

emphasis on history and the classics, a clear hierarchy of status between older and

younger boys. I totally understand this type of environment isn’t for every kid but

it worked for mine.

One spring the sister school (i.e. all girls) to my sons’ institution was putting on a

theatrical production, “The Pirates of Penzance,” which required (you guessed it) a

lot of pirates. Naturally, the show’s producers came to my sons’ school to recruit

boys to fill out the cast. These were non-speaking parts; the need was for crowds of

pirates to be on stage during key scenes.

My two eldest sons came home one day from school and rather dismissively told

me about the casting call. With all you’ve read, you can guess my immediate

reaction: “Boys, you need to do this!”

Of course they immediately balked. This kind of thing was way outside of their

realm of experience.

But as you might imagine, I’m a first-class nag.

So first, I badgered them: “C’mon, boys. This is no big deal. You both give

presentations in class and you play on fields in front of a hundred adults and half of

them are screaming at you to fail [i.e. the opponent’s parents].” No dice.

Second, I tried reason. “Volunteering for this deal will look great to your teachers

and go on your school record.” Nope.

Third, I simply gave up and bribed them. “Ok, here’s the deal. I’ll give you each

ten bucks if you just go to the tryouts. If you don’t like it after the first five minutes

you can leave and I’ll be waiting outside.”

Bingo. That Saturday morning we drove to the sister school and at 9:50 a.m. they

got out of the car with ten- dollar bills in their pockets and departed through the

auditorium doors. I bet you know what happened next.

I didn’t wait outside. I drove away.

I returned to the auditorium doors at noon and 15 minutes later they walked out

wearing white burlap tunics and pirate bandanas and carrying plastic swords. They

were talking with each other as they got in the backseat and fastened their seat

belts and then I said with forced heartiness, “Well! I’m glad I didn’t stick around

too long.”

Silence.

Then the eldest said, “Nice try, Dad.”

I looked in the rear view mirror at him and he continued. “Me and Braden got in

there and Mrs. Cameron came up and said she was counting on us. She gave us this

stuff and said all we have to do is be on the stage when the pirates are yelling and

swinging these swords. We figured we couldn’t leave because of her. Besides, we

knew you already left.”

I turned around to face them in the backseat. There they both sat in their pirate

garb, staring at me. I shook my head and said, “You guys really know your old

man.” “Yeah, we do.” And then all three of us started laughing.

“I’ll be waiting outside” entered the lexicon that day. A throwaway line uttered

when one of the boys was walking into a tough scene or just the unknown, always

uttered with the humorous resignation like other other sayings you’ve read.

“Big game this afternoon.” “This biology test is going to hurt.” “Do I have to go to

the dentist?” And then always, “And yeah, Dad, I know. You’ll be waiting outside.”

___________________

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the

second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the

high wire.” Oprah Winfrey

___________________

As with the saying in the previous section, this phrase in odd fashion provided an

element of mental strengthening. Parents know that there are so many things a kid

mildly or wildly dreads. Again, that’s what is called growing up. At 9 and 10

they’d pushed pass the anxiety of trying something brand new (it helped they’d

been together).

After that experience with Penzance - and with other potentially

daunting scenes - they gradually began to understand that they could push past an

unusual challenge; one gave them a framework for the next one, what- ever it was.

And the phrase also allowed them a subtle dig at me, which is all part of the game

of being a parent.

Fast forward. It’s the beginning of summer many years later and I’m dropping off

the youngest son at the U.S. Military Academy (West Point) for the start of what is

called ‘Beast Barracks,’ a rugged two-month trial that begins the grueling four

years of service academy life ahead. We’re sitting in an auditorium full of edgy

parents and anxious kids and after some administrative remarks the General at the

podium suddenly pauses and then practically shouts, “Parents! You have one

minute to say goodbye to your Cadet and exit the building!”

Everyone reflexively stands and despite the emotions we both feel, my son turns to

me with this big grin. I’m grinning as well; we both know the score here. “Dad,

don’t even say it.” Then he shakes my hand and walks away.

####

Teach basic courtesy

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 16:17:21 GMT

"If you're five minutes early, you're late!"

“Central to his life, Neil Armstrong…had a private code of personal conduct.”

Bret Stephens, The Wall Street Journal

“We learned about honesty and integrity. That the truth matters...that you don’t take

shortcuts or play by your own set of rules...and success doesn’t count unless you

earn it fair and square.”

Michelle Obama, Former First Lady of the United States

_______________

From a famous astronaut to a revered First Lady the message is clear: Personal

conduct is the human touchstone. Virtue, self-control, kindness and perseverance –

these are the basic values key to living a consistent, satisfied life.

As Nellie always says, courtesy costs nothing, but buys everything. And of course,

there’s the great irony. Because basic conduct is simple. It requires no talent and no

skill whatsoever. It’s not difficult to wear modest, presentable clothing, to comb

your hair or tuck in your shirt and refrain from obscenities. There’s no intellect

necessary in looking into someone’s eyes when you speak with them. There’s no

expertise needed in shaking hands with an adult and saying Mr., Mrs., or Ms. How

hard is it to be pleasant and to control one’s temper?

These are the easiest, simplest tasks there are. How can a kid fail to grasp that this is

the way to act?! Steadfast, conscientious behavior – every way, every day – is

manifested in a range of ways. For me, the conduct of a kid came down to three

elements: Basic courtesy, reflexive follow-through, and self-awareness.

Here’s one tale….

___________

“If you’re five minutes early, dammit, you’re late!”

When I joined the U.S. Army, I was sent to Basic Combat Training at Fort Benning,

Georgia. BCT is a non-stop physical and mental trial and although it is decades past

my persistent memory to this day is of Drill Sergeant Harrison. Tall, strong, big,

and black – a real bad-ass. He was a man with enormous leadership presence from

whom I learned a lifetime lesson which I passed to my sons.

When our 40-man platoon had to arrive at any area on the base, Drill Sergeant

Harrison demanded that we get there wayyy ahead of time. When the last couple of

guys would come running up to the platoon’s formation, you’d hear it loud and

clear – “If you’re five minutes EARLY, dammit, YOU’RE LATE!” It was jarring

and I heard it hundreds of times. T

That phrase and that ethos stuck in my mind long

after leaving Fort Benning. When the eldest son reached the age of six, I carefully

and colorfully shared with all three boys that tale of my tough Drill Sergeant and

the reason for his call to action. Hence, from their earliest years, my boys heard that

phrase incessantly. In fact, it was Dad’s first “saying” and rightly so.

Because consider: What is the most common situation involving parents and kids?

Going somewhere.

And that’s why all four of us would yell it out in the countless occasions in which I

was taking the sons somewhere - school and practices and errands and playdates

and bar mitzvahs and birthday parties and medical appointments – you name it. On

our jaunts I explained to them that being early highlights responsibility and allows

for last-minute disruptions. Being early shows respect and pinpoints an individual

who is organized. Being early for anything allows you to see how situations are

shaping up and gives a kid a sense of calm before whatever event he or she is

attending heats up. There’s no anxiety in being early. It makes you ready. Being

early became habitual and we delighted in it.

My three sons learned the corollary – that being late is rude. Period. Not being

punctual is lazy and selfish. Being tardy prompts excuses. Being late, in fact,

becomes habitual.

“Boys,” I would ask them, “How do you feel about that big-time loser coming into

a classroom when everyone is already in their seats, or running up to practice when

everyone’s already on the field? Or waiting for a friend to show up at a movie?”

Then one day, because the real world never fails to instruct, it happened. The four

of us were in the school auditorium for an evening function. The program had

already begun and the Principal was speaking. And then the Adler family showed

up, making a scene with the noise of the heavy doors opening and footsteps and the

scraping of chairs while sitting down.

Afterwards, we were standing around and Mr. Adler, whom I knew from school and

the neighborhood, walked up and asked if he’d missed anything, saying “We were

late getting here because we’re always so damn busy.” I paused a beat, ensured the

boys were listening, and then replied with as much control as I could, “Yeah, I hear

you. Good thing the Nelligans are never busy.” Adler immediately gave me a

hostile look and hustled away.

My three sons looked at me with wide-eyes and grins; they couldn’t believe I’d

actually said something that pointed in a public setting. They were too polite to

laugh at the time but when we got into the car later they were howling.

Of course they were aware our family had as much going as any other family. More

important, they reveled in the fact that I was bold enough to call out an adult for a

patently lame excuse.

Being ahead of time, not on time, is the easiest thing to manage. It requires no

cleverness, no magic. “Guys,” I’d say, “If we can’t pull this off, how are we going

to follow through on the tough stuff?!”

Over the years there was never a week where the phrase wasn’t uttered a half dozen

times. That’s because as I said, with parents and kids there is always somewhere to

be. You are always arriving. The greatest joy was my 6-year-old son yelling the

signature phrase and kids and parents looking on in puzzlement.

There was another slogan Drill Sergeant Harrison used that became a family

punchline. When the boys and I would see kids and parents show up late for

something when we were already there and ready for anything, I could count on one

of my sons cheerfully proclaiming to us, “And when you’re LATE, dammit,

YOU’RE WRONG!”

#####

Repetition builds character

jeffnelligan@yahoo.com (Jeff Nelligan) — Mon, 25 Sep 2023 15:10:01 GMT

Let me repeat...

Within the previous blog in this series (“How do you get kids to pay attention?!”) I related how

the real world outside the front door – people, places, situations – became a vehicle for my

pointing out the good, the bad, and the inspirational to my sons, captured by a brief, funny

saying. And get it in your head: Humor always wins with young children.

Of course, it was judging others. And why not? To use the popular phrase: See something, say

something. If it’s the polite behavior of an adult opening a door for a senior or engaging shy

parents in friendly conversation, point it out. If it’s an adult being rude to others or kid being a

jerk to another kid, point that out as well. The everyday course of American family life offers

up countless situations that you can use to instruct your children. The tired old trope does rung

true: Every moment is a teaching moment.

These maxims - and Four Lessons contains a dozen gems – ha! – became a pounding, comic

soundtrack in the boys’ lives. Virtually every important moment of their childhood, moments

when they saw behavior and attitudes in stark relief - was viewed through the lens of one of my

appeals. I’ll repeat it again: Repetition builds character.

THE BUY-IN

And what occurred over time was that during a typical week at least one or more of my sons

would come to me with a story. He’d tell me about an encounter in which he’d used one of our

signature phrases either uttered to himself or to his brothers and or to his friends. In fact, the kid

would open up enthusiastically to describe it. You’re a parent so imagine this: A kid excited to

tell a story, sometimes long and involved, to you. It was priceless.

And no, I didn’t expand on the kid’s tale, laboring both of us with some stupid summation. I

just listened. These conversations with my sons about their observations remain the keenest and

most valuable moments of my parenting life.

It was from their stories that I knew the boys were buying into the whole exercise. They

understood what I was doing with my candid call-outs. The boys saw, however simply, how the

events I highlighted in public could and would play out in their lives. And slowly as this

awareness about seeing and judging for themselves grew, my sons were developing decision-

making habits.

Yes, my sons’ behavior was changing. The adages had staying power, they translated into

conduct. It’s what known in athletics as muscle memory – “the ability to reproduce a particular

action without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement.”

REFLEX

This is hardly outlandish. Consider the logical flow. When one of my boys was placed in a set

of circumstances requiring a decision or reaction, the past snapshots instantly came to life and

were followed by the correct behavior. This book is packed with examples of these occurrences.

Yes, there was Dad, reliably consistent in letting fly a well-worn saying in some commonplace

or unusual or awkward setting and the four of us would laugh and nod and know. The phrases

had an endless shelf life – come on, is there any situation with kids that is original?! Indeed, all

four of us have never let go of them. The same phrases coined in my oldest son’s 4th grade year

are still being used by all three of us more than a decade and a half later.

As you no doubt have tumbled by now this is more than just about sayings and wisecracks and a

persistent Dad. This is about developing a rapport with your child. This is about parenting that

engages children with observation and humor so that they become continually alert to what

good conduct and steadfast character really mean.

New attitudes, new behaviors, new ways of seeing things. Seeking out the world is good. Loose

is good. And yes, judging is good.

Next up: Developing the easiest, most fundamental quality of human nature: Basic courtesy.

How do you get kids to pay attention?!

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 15:58:35 GMT

Judge the real world around you with humor and authenticity.

As a follow-on from the two previous blawgs about having a plan for raising children with character, confidence, resilience and ambition, here came the hardest part:

How does a Mom or Dad drive home the importance of these personal characteristics? How do you shape this behavior?

Here’s the parent’s long-suffering lament: How do you get a kid to pay attention?

It was crazy to think I could simply tell my sons at regular intervals, “Hey boys, listen up. You need to be good kids. No joke – the old man means it. Now go do your homework.” C’mon, no reasonable parent operates that way. Kids hear that

refrain and roll their eyes. I would.

Additionally, no Dad or Mom can monitor a child’s every moment and actually see how the kid is carrying himself or herself throughout the day. Few fathers or mothers are around their kids during the bulk of the day – that’s what having a job is all about.

That’s why I knew my best shot at guiding my sons – and yes, sometimes getting under their skin - was during those times when two, three, or all four of us were together in all those places we take for granted but are in fact one big classroom:

The vast panorama of the Real World.

Yes, the neighborhood, the grocery store and the barber shop, restaurants and malls, the dance studios and playing fields and family outings and all the places outside the front door. It is here that you find all the examples of human behaviors

and actions you’ll ever need. Daily life relentlessly offers up events where you encounter the good, the bad and the inspirational in human nature, all of which you can point out to your kids. People and places do the work for you – you just have to explain it.

And judge it.

Yes, judge it. To use the popular phrase: See something, say something. And why shouldn’t you? If it’s the polite behavior of an adult opening a door for a senior or engaging shy parents in friendly conversation, point it out. If it’s an adult being

rude to others or kid being a jerk to another kid, point that out as well.

Alas, I can hear it now from the Sensitivity Brigade: ‘It’s not fair to judge others. It’s sooooo hurtful. It’s wrong!’ Get real. Here’s a quick test: Try to go one hour without judging anyone or anything. It’s impossible. Indeed, right this moment you’re judging what you’ve just read. And judging me.

The fact is, every single one of us makes judgemnts about people and situations throughout our day. It’s the only way we navigate successfully through life.

Here’s how it worked for me and my three sons: From their earliest ages onward I identified situations in the everyday flow of life that would provide the boys practical and moral instruction on how they themselves should behave when they

were confronted with an identical or similar circumstances. I’d then frame the event with a whimsical pronouncement, abrupt and offbeat, that captured the essence of the situation.

These “sayings” – as my sons instantly began calling them – were short, funny and memorable. You’ll read about 12 of them shortly.

Moreover, they were easy for the boys to understand and completely applicable to their lives; the saying would be forever associated with that particular instance or person.

What?! Wait. I know what you’re thinking right now: “You mean you helped guide the conduct and the attitude of your kids with anecdotes and offbeat exhortations?!”

Yes. If you don’t believe me, please buy my book and jump to Appendix D. I'll wager you'll get the picture.

And now, four key admonitions:

1. Get this in your head: Everyday life is, to use a useful phrase, a “teaching moment.”

2. Less is more, particularly with kids. When we saw something unfolding, I didn’t have time for long explanations and involved morality plays; my sons simply would not have paid attention to that jive. Platitudes are hot air; the real world can

be hot as a furnace.

3. Say it with me: Humor always triumphs. The light touch is always memorable. No kid responds to lectures but kids do respond to a gag, a one-liner, a quip. It will be remembered and with kids, it means it will be repeated over and over again.

4. There were no boundaries. I sugarcoated nothing and spared no one, not even myself, as you’ll see. I didn’t worry about “hurt feelings” or about “making a scene.” I said what I believed in a way that I knew would get their attention.

The parent who is candid, even at his or her own expense, is the parent a kid respects. It's the parent to whom the kid will pay attention.

Next up: REPETITION BUILDS CHARACTER. Let me repeat….

The quest to develop resilient kids

Sun, 20 Aug 2023 18:13:35 GMT

How it all began...

During the past two decades I have had thousands upon thousands of informal conversations – most light but some hot – with parents and innumerable interactions with my sons’ male and female peers. These exchanges have taken place in every realm of American parenting: Workplaces, schools, hardware stores, parking lots, athletic fields, cocktail parties and on neighborhood streets. You name it, I’ve been there and so have you.

Because think about it: Talking about kids is the preeminent adult interaction.

Virtually all of the parents with whom I spoke were solid citizens – reliable, hardworking, caring. In fact, most of our conversations took place in situations – like schools and games and events - directly involving their kids and mine. Or they took place at work, where Mom or Dad were financially providing for the family.

Some of these conversations were uncomfortable because a single, persistent sentiment I took away from these encounters was frustration. Listening to these individuals and sometimes seeing up close and personal their children day in and day out for years led me to two basic conclusions:

1. These parents wanted more out of their children – more spark, more laughs, more consistency, more direction and more drive.

2. But. These parents had no defined plan or strategy for guiding their children toward a confident and productive life; toward raising what I will simply call – and these Dads and Moms themselves constantly referenced - a “good kid.”

THE GOOD KID

Here’s the simplest idea in this book: My definition of the good kid.

Reliable personal conduct. A boy or girl is habitually courteous in every kind of social interaction. He or she is the one who carries themselves with ease and openness. The one who is friendly and sincere, the one you are pleased to introduce to other adults. Not that sullen jerk who glances up from his or her phone with a grunt. You get the idea.

A confident worldview. The child moves through his or her everyday routine with assurance and poise, not frazzled or anxious the moment the front door opens and the day beckons. He or she appreciates the light tough and seeks joy in the intrinsic good that everyday life offers and fully recognizes and pushes back against the bad.

Grinding Resilience in Adversity. This kid absorbs personal discomfort and setbacks with a minimum of complaint and maximum of calm when circumstances large and small go south. She or he handles pressure, adapts and discovers a route back to forward progress.

Expansive Ambition. This youth sets goals and holds himself or herself accountable every step of the way. They are realistic in evaluating personal benchmarks and seek to exceed expectations. Good for this kid is never quite good enough.

None of this is complicated and the following isn’t either: These are the four traits I wanted to develop in my sons from their earliest ages. I knew that if my boys were grounded in these four areas as they passed from childhood

to adolescence and beyond, they would become reflexive in making the correct decisions in their daily lives at home and school, within their peer groups and with strangers and situations in the world at large.

Next up: How I put it all in practice....

An introduction to Four Lessons from My Three Sons

jeffnelligan@yahoo.com (Jeff Nelligan) — Sat, 12 Aug 2023 14:08:06 GMT

What this book can do for you, your kid, and your family

This is a short book for Dads and Moms who want to raise boys and girls who are consistently steadfast in conduct and character. It’s written by a father of three sons who has been around kids and their parents for two decades in every venue under the sun known to the American family.

The pages ahead provide an often whimsical and sometimes ruthless explanation of the parenting methods I employed in helping guide the behaviors and attitudes of my three sons during their childhoods and adolescence. There is nothing original in aiming to firmly instill in kids the basic, universal virtues – civility, confidence, resilience and ambition - that underscore a satisfied, accomplished life. Every one of us intuitively understands them because there’s nothing original in the human condition – all is learned from example and practice.

What is unusual is how I tried to - and mostly succeeded in - transmitting these virtues into the daily lives and patterns of my three sons.

Now, there’s one thing I urge you to do prior to reading onwards. I did this when my children were very young and continued to do it throughout their childhood and adolescence. It may sound odd but trust me here.

Take a very close look at your child now – who they are and what they are like, their personalities, strengths and weaknesses.

Use your mind, think hard. Take this seriously. Then get in a hypothetical time machine. Fast forward five years into the future and imagine what he or she will be like at that point if they continue with the habits and attitudes and behaviors they have at present. I did this – it’s an attempt to glimpse the long game from focusing on one moment in a kid’s life – and it is only the parent who can do it. Maybe this exercise provides you with a useful wake-up call.

Contained here are the fundamental steps you can take to raise alert, self-assured and motivated young girls and boys.

Grasp and model and continually practice the ideas you find here and I promise you: You can raise the child you want, one who brings both of you joy and satisfaction....

Next Up: How it all began...

My Family and the All-Volunteer Force at 50

Thu, 03 Aug 2023 20:11:25 GMT

What it takes

The Baltimore Sun / Commentary

July 31, 2023

Plebe Summer is underway at the U.S. Naval Academy, where 1,184 young men and women grind through the second week of their “college” experience, complete with obstacle courses, firearms and fully-clothed plunges into the Chesapeake Bay.

These determined young people represent one element of the All-Volunteer Force (AVF), which marked its 50th anniversary this year after military conscription ended in 1973. It is one of the most remarkable institutions this nation has ever produced. I should know: My three sons and I are each products of the AVF; we have a combined 34 years of service and counting, from both officer and enlisted ranks.

My middle son endured his Plebe Summer nine years ago and now serves as an engineering officer on a guided missile destroyer in the Pacific. My youngest made it through West Point’s notorious “Beast Barracks” (the U.S. Military Academy’s equivalent of Plebe Summer) and graduated with the U.S. Military Academy class of 2022. My eldest attended Navy Officer Candidate School (OCS) in Newport, Rhode Island, and has deployed to South Korea and on a Pacific tour with an aircraft carrier. And 37 years ago, I attended Basic Combat Training at Fort Benning, Georgia, followed by 14 years in the U.S. Army Reserve and National Guard, ingloriously rising to the rank of corporal.

Eleven million men and women have served in the AVF since 1973, providing the muscle and minds and sweat and blood for three major wars and numerous overseas operations all over the globe. For this, most Americans will summon the reflexive “Thank you for your service.” The fact is the AVF gives most Americans the freedom to be rather indifferent to their military, shifting the burden of the barracks and skies and seas — true public service — to a smaller, self-selected cohort of citizens.

Such service has at its core, the basic values vital to a functioning civic society — personal discipline, teamwork and most of all, accountability. All these behaviors are drilled into every would-be officer and enlisted person from day one.

Boot camp is a nonstop series of physical and mental testing designed to force individuals to confront and overcome adversity. Participants, who come from every corner of America and reflect its demographics, build loyalty to their comrades, their service and their nation. The 62nd U.S. Naval Academy superintendent, Admiral Walter Carter, said it best: “This training, this place, is all about pressure. Constant, unceasing pressure — which leads to failure, then recovery. And resilience.” Or as my Fort Benning drill sergeant put it: “We’re gonna break you down and build you up so you’re even better!”

This training and this environment have measurable benefits. A RAND Corporation study notes that veterans are distinct in “valuable nontechnical skills, such as leadership, decision making, being dependable, and attention to detail.” The vast majority of volunteers emerge from the crucible of the service resolute and with a self-awareness that transfers to personal conduct and to the high esteem in which they are held in American civic life.

It’s no secret the volunteer force today faces challenges, specifically recruiting shortages in the Army, Navy, and Air Force, with a strong job market the foremost explanation (though retention numbers are outstanding, with every service exceeding 100% of their goals in 2022).

But the chief reason for recruiting woes? 77 percent of military age youths (17-24) cannot meet basic requirements for service eligibility because of educational shortcomings, drug and disciplinary records, and most of all health problems, mostly obesity.

This is appalling fact should alarm every American. How can it be that nearly eight of ten young men are unqualified for national service? Which prompts another question: How will this cohort find a productive long-term path in the public and private sector? What employers in the trades, retail or white-collar world are clamoring to hire individuals who are so deficient in meeting the basic requirements for sustained civic and economic life?

My middle son (he of Plebe summer) soon assumes his next duty station as a senior officer at a regional recruiting command. He knows full well the current trials of the volunteer world; nonetheless, he’s surprisingly optimistic: “My guys and I will find them.” How does he come to this sunny outlook? Because since he was 17 years of age he has been in environments where obstacles, major and minor, are a part of everyday life, where he has been part of a team that assesses, adapts and advances forward and doesn’t give up. For him, that means selling the military and all of its tangible and intangible benefits.

Recall the mention of those 1,184 plebes sweating it out right now. They represent just eight percent of the more than 14,700 youths who applied to the USNA class of 2027. Certainly the recruiting challenges exist today. But the AVF will endure; there will always be enough sharp and rugged young men and women out there to fill the ranks.

_____________________________

Jeff Nelligan works at FDA and is the author of Four Lessons From My Three Sons: How You Can Raise Resilient Kids

Journey to the Ring

Thu, 25 May 2023 00:05:51 GMT

Along for every game of the way

THE SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE / COMMENTARY / JAN. 20, 2023

Opinion: NCAA title rings cannot exceed $415 in value, but my son’s journey is worth much more

BY JEFF NELLIGAN

Nelligan is a former San Diegan and the author of “Four Lessons from My Three Sons: How You Can Raise Resilient Kids.” He lives in Annapolis, Maryland, and can be reached at Jeff@ResilientSons.com .

America’s football nation grinds closer to college and pro playoffs, and after the 2023 College Football National Championship game and Super Bowl LVII , two select groups of players will receive a singular piece of jewelry, the championship ring. Far from an easily worn accessory, these rings are really miniature, hand-carried trophies and represent the pinnacle of athletic achievement.

Super Bowl rings feature up to 20 carats of white diamonds and can be worth up to $50,000 apiece. NCAA title rings cannot exceed $415 in value, per NCAA rules. Yet in size and design, they fit the hand-trophy ethos.

I know — I have one. It was available to all the parents of the U.S. Military Academy’s varsity rugby team, for whom my youngest son played, when it won a national championship this past May. It’s huge and gaudy and has all the traditional features of an NCAA title ring — “National Champions” in huge block letters, the date of triumph, a rugby ball, the player’s name, the school colors and crest — West Point’s black and gold sword and Athenian helmet — and something unusual: 19 black stars on each side of the ring, signifying the 19 former Army rugby players killed in action in conflicts around the globe.

For me, my son’s ring represents a panorama far beyond $415 worth of steel and zirconium. I’m like the 87 percent of American parents who have one or more kid playing organized sports: I know firsthand the youth athletic journey because I’ve been on it every game of the way.

The signposts remain vivid. It began with my son’s first game in organized sports: recreational soccer at the age of 4, which featured a disorganized bunch of kids happily running around a field, sometimes even chasing the ball. Seventh-grade basketball, where he learned to ride the bench. It hurt. It hurt him also.

Sophomore football and lacrosse practices on hot summer days where the artificial turf hit 110 degrees and those same fields in winter, where every hit was painfully magnified by the cold. The solitary hours swimming laps at the community pool; the hard clack of weight machines in airless gyms and miles of running through our neighborhood. 60 million American kids play organized sports and each one of them knows something about this grind.

Moreover, a big part of the athletic journey is the journey, as every parent knows. It’s driving to numberless practices and the family treks across four states to tournaments and college recruiting camps. I did this with all three of my sons (the two eldest also played college sports) and can’t recall but will never forget our long conversations about anything and everything. The long afternoons sitting on wooden bleachers, cheering and wincing, as exhausted with emotion and nerves as whatever son was on playing on the field. The wins, the losses, being on both sides of blowouts, the nerve-wracking contests for league championships and the struggles to remain out of last place.

There was also the escalation in seriousness; it’s truly fun to walk the sidelines of a sixth-grade lacrosse game, chatting and laughing with other parents. By 11th grade, you’re up in those forlorn bleachers and on edge as the sidelines are now filled with scowling college coaches and your son is in their crosshairs.

Throughout it all, every moment, practice and game, I was fortunate to see my three sons acquire the solid character that competitive sports nurtures: resilience in handling pressure, the tight camaraderie of a team, the grinding discipline of working to get bigger, faster, stronger.

At last, it all comes together — the long, grueling journey beginning with a 4-year-old child prancing around on a soccer field ends with a young man bursting out of a stadium tunnel to win it on all on the national collegiate stage.

After his last game, I spent the evening in a typically crazy Dad endeavor: I meticulously added up all the contests in all sports in which my son had played since his recreational soccer debut. My foggy estimate: 1,227 games.

The irony is that despite my pride in his accomplishments, I have worn the ring only several times in public. It’s so large and garish, and I feel self-conscious that I didn’t earn it. But as a father, I earned something better — I was along for the entire journey.

#####

The Commencement season

Tue, 23 May 2023 22:41:19 GMT

Doing not dreaming. Get the small stuff right.

Annapolis, Maryland – Right this moment, the Blue Angels (pictured above) are thundering over my home as the pilots practice for the U.S. Naval Academy graduation later this week. Virtually anyone who sees these six wonders of American genius and technology silhouetted against a clear sky feels an intuitive sense of patriotism and, yes, freedom . Those individuals who don’t? Well, they’re allowed to do so precisely because these jets exist.

It's Commissioning Week in Annapolis and the graduation moment for youths all over the nation, an ideal time to reflect on deserved achievement and equally important, on finding the road ahead. One milestone shared by all is the commencement address and its insights.

Over the days and years I’ve been to a fair share of graduations, 12 for my three sons, four of my own and 11 for friends and their kids (but hey, whose counting?!). I‘ve even write a few addresses for the politicians for whom I’ve worked.

From all these experiences, I’ve observed there are essentially two kinds of addresses offered: From those who have actually achieved something concrete and impressive in their lives, and those who haven’t.

Alas, my own graduation years ago from – let’s call the institution Faber College - fits in the latter category. It featured an obscure United Nations’ official as the Commencement speaker (some mercy is due the poor man – he was a stand in; Leonard Bernstein was scheduled but fell ill) who was “excited” to tell us all about his simply fascinating bureaucratic career and his “heroic” fight at Foggy Bottom and Turtle Bay against the long march of American imperialism and capitalism.

"That fellow seemed rather high on himself,” my mild-mannered father observed afterwards. Yep, Dad - a successful self-made man who at age 15 worked in a vanadium mine in Nevada and at 18 took part in the invasion of Okinawa and later spent four months patrolling the streets of Tokyo as part of the occupation force, even as the UN was being formed in San Francisco and Dr. Bureaucrat was patrolling library shelves at Big Bad State. Hey, who knew?! My laid-back old man - both a capitalist and an imperialist!

This unfortunate tone of self-righteousness had not dissipated when years later, it was time for my eldest son to graduate from Faber. His commencement speaker was an immigrant Nigerian poet and a few moments into her remarks she casually informed the crowd: “If you were born a straight white male or female, well, congratulations, you hit the jackpot.”

You poor woman, I thought to myself, are you aware this is a commencement address, not a faculty lounge?

But our “brave” speaker – because that was what she told us she was, donchaknow – plowed on in the same fashion “…you need to stand for social justice and the voiceless…remake America…”

Yikes, sister! Did you feel this way before you fled the slums of Nsukka for jackpot America?! And is it really wise, at such a celebratory event, to immediately insult three-quarters of your audience? You know, those sad sack parents and alums who have collectively contributed to the institution’s national preeminence and financial security so that full tuition and board are gifted to the, ahem, non-privileged?

By midpoint of her speech, exactly as it had happened during my graduation decades ago, the bleachers were half empty; the lotto winners had gathered elsewhere, no doubt to trade gambling stories.

As I said, the limited, even incomprehensible speeches come from the mediocrities; the really good ones come from those who have firmly engaged the world, performed at the tough jobs, have hit the obstacles, and have succeeded.

Here are three…

An absolute knock-out speech was given by Shonda Rhimes at Dartmouth College in 2014. Rhimes is a famous American television screenwriter, best known as a showrunner - creator, head writer, and executive producer of numerous popular shows.

She was blunt – she told grads to stop dreaming and start doing. “The world has plenty of dreamers. And while they are busy dreaming, the really happy people, the really successful people, the really interesting, engaged, powerful people, are busy doing. So ditch the dream and be a doer, not a dreamer. Whether or not you know what your ‘passion’ might be. The truth is, it doesn't matter. You don't have to know. You just have to keep moving forward. You just have to keep doing something, seizing the next opportunity, staying open to trying something new."

Bang! Ditch the introspection – get moving!.

A second favorite was Admiral William McRaven's University of Texas commencement address, again in 2014. He spoke about his first days of Navy SEAL training:

“Every morning we were required to make our bed to perfection, a mundane task. It seemed a little ridiculous at the time, particularly in light of the fact that were aspiring to be real warriors, tough battle-hardened SEALs, but the wisdom of this simple act has been proven to me many times over. If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.”

Doing, not dreaming. Getting the small stuff right. Two of the most important pieces of advice for that road ahead, whether you’re nine-years old or 19.

As I noted, this is Commissioning Week here in Annapolis and it recalls the my third favorite commencement speech, given by President Trump at my middle son’s 2018 graduation from the Naval Academy. Whatever your thoughts about the man, he met the moment and exceeded it.

The audience of parents and relatives and friends knew what the graduating Midshipmen had endured for four grueling years: No-excuse military discipline, barracks life, four straight summers of training deployments and mandatory softball courses like Electrical Engineering, Calculus and Thermodynamics. Twenty percent of the entering class never made it to graduation because unlike the “safe spaces” of Faber, failure at USNA has consequences. Seventy-five percent of the class (including my son) were STEM majors. And funny, unlike Faber, there were no majors in Latinx Gender Studies. Those Mids, like my sons, would soon be in charge of ordnance that could reduce a thousand voiceless bad guys to ashes in a social justice instant.

Simple and profound, the President brought it in hard and fast to the Midshipmen. “You have taken the path of hard work and sweat and sacrifice….the word impossible does not exist for you because the Navy never quits. You are now leaders in the most powerful and righteous force on the face of the planet!”

Thankfully, no fatuous shots at imperialism and capitalism from a third-level career bureaucrat drone; no remaking of America from a fatuous Third World immigrant.

Just pure sound and fury: “You’re among the finest people anywhere in the world, the smartest, the strongest! You know you will make us proud. You are warriors. You are fighters! You are champions!”

And then here they were, like in the photo above, blasting the same thunder I’m now hearing five years later as I heard it then. Practically touching the rim of Navy-Marine Corps Stadium is the unbelievable winged force of the Blue Angels streaking over the crowd at 200 mph with yes, the sound of freedom.

#####

Farewell to Smitty, a different kind of casualty of war / By Jeff Nelligan, Richmond Times-Dispatch / May 31, 2022

jeffnelligan@yahoo.com (Jeff Nelligan) — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 22:40:40 GMT

It was a small cemetery reached by an unpaved country road near Hebron, a Maryland town named after the city south of Jerusalem known as a burial ground for prophets.

Ten years ago this month my old platoon leader, U.S. Army Master Sergeant Stephen “Smitty” Smith was buried with full military honors - four soldiers in dress blue uniforms carrying a flag-draped casket while a volley of shots were fired and Taps sounded. Alas, it’s a ritual that has been carried out many times since Smitty’s funeral.

Smitty’s military career spanned a quarter century of American conflict - the Cold War, post-Cold War European turmoil and Islamic jihad. He was in Germany at Bad Aibling Station in 1985 as an enlisted soldier serving with a detachment intercepting Soviet and East German transmissions. He left active service, went to college and then joined the Maryland National Guard where I met him in the 629 ^th Military Intelligence Battalion, a Cold War-focused unit which exists no more. The First Gulf War in 1991 passed over the battalion but then there was a need for troops to police the turbulent Balkan states. Smitty volunteered in 1999 and deployed to Bosnia for more than a year.

Then came 9/11 and because of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, manpower was stretched worldwide and in 2003 Smitty deployed again with the National Guard when the battalion sent a company of solders to Kosovo.

Smitty served many years as a Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO), whose creed rightly establishes them as the “Backbone of the Army,” the human bridge between officers and enlisted soldiers. Says the creed: “My two basic responsibilities will always be uppermost in my mind—accomplishment of my mission and the welfare of my Soldiers.” A simple but a profound leadership charge.

I saw those NCO leadership qualities up close as an enlisted Army Reservist then Army Guardsman for 14 years. And yet, I still find it difficult to properly explain to my non-service peers the deep military ethic behind such leadership - the sense of duty and loyalty, the cohesion of diverse units (my battalion was majority-minority) and the camaraderie that fostered performance and accountability.

Of course, compared to the vast majority of servicemen and women, my military service was modest, mostly composed of maintaining Humvees, cleaning weapons, and performing administrative tasks. However, my three sons are active-duty military officers; two of them lead dozens of enlisted men and women and work with complex equipment (some of it lethal) worth hundreds of millions of dollars and have been in tight situations that are unfathomable to their non-military peers. My sons depend heavily on the Smittys of this world.

Even after the grind of patrols in Kosovo Smitty hung in there and in 2007 deployed to Iraq to work in an intelligence role, the same job he’d had at Bad Aibling Station 22 years and several new world orders prior.

He came back a year later and his closest friends immediately knew something was wrong. He isolated himself and when he did emerge, he was erratic in behavior and a changed man. He hadn’t been in combat in Iraq; the closest to danger he’d come was when one evening several Iraqi soldiers on his base haphazardly fired hundreds of rounds into the sky and dozens of bullets rained down through a large tent in which Smitty was attending a briefing, injuring several soldiers.

At the beginning of 2012, he was found dead in his home of “natural causes” according to the Anne Arundel County coroner. At the funeral, his mother was defiant that “the war killed my son.” His sister insisted it was PTSD from Iraq, somehow amplified by his previous two deployments.

A dozen guys from the old unit gather in the cemetery parking lot after Smitty’s burial, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and all of us are still shaken by the anger and rage of his Mom and sister. None of us knew what exactly had happened. And as with all guys who’ve served closely in a military unit, there was no lack of candor. One senior NCO, a real hardass though grudgingly admired, had driven 130 miles that morning to Hebron and he said, “Look, guys, you all know Smitty didn’t really like me at all and I didn’t really like him. We had some real blowups in Kosovo and at Victory [Camp Victory in Iraq] and all those rounds through the tent put us even more on edge. But I knew he respected me and I respected him.”

Regret was the dominant sentiment. Why hadn’t we made more of an effort to see Smitty? To all these guys, mostly vets with an experienced outlook on service, it was a mystery. One thing though: The anger of his mom and sister pounded in our heads.

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs notes that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was a “significant public health problem in Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom (OEF/OIF) deployed and non-deployed Veterans” with studies that show “15.7% of OEF/OIF deployed Veterans screened positive for PTSD compared to 10.9% of non-deployed Veterans. Overall, 13.5% of study participants screened positive for PTSD.” For the National Guard, the PTSD number is 14.5 percent of deployed troops.

The U.S. Department of Defense Casualty Status report for Iraq and Afghanistan still updated weekly, lists 4,431 U.S. deaths in Iraq and 2,352 in Afghanistan.

On this Memorial Day, we honor the more than 1.1 million men and women who are listed as the casualties of all the wars fought by America. But as one of my old battalion comrades – himself an NCO - said in the cemetery outside Hebron, sometimes there can be a different kind of casualty of war.

____________
Jeff Nelligan is the author of "Four Lessons from My Three Sons - How You Can Raise Resilient Kids"(https://www.amazon.com/Four-Lessons-Three-Sons-Resilient/dp/B0C9SB2NLX) and lives in Annapolis, Maryland,

The invaluable rites of military boot camp

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 18:19:09 GMT

Published in The San Diego Union, August 1, 2022

”Constant, unceasing pressure – which leads to failure, then recovery. And resilience.”

Annapolis, Maryland - The academic year has yet to begin for most of the class of 2026 but here a select group of young men and women are already grinding through the third week of their “college” experience, complete with obstacle courses, M4 carbines and fully-clothed plunges into the Chesapeake Bay; shaved heads for the males and females left with a little more.

Plebe Summer at the U.S. Naval Academy, the first days on a voyage lasting at least nine years for future Naval and Marine officers serving on the oceans of the world. The stated purpose of Plebe Summer is “a demanding indoctrination period intended to transition the candidates from civilian to military life.” In fact, this describes the core of all military boot camps for officers and enlisted, a invaluable rites of passage for all those who wear the uniform.

In an age of near unlimited choices for young people, every plebe - and enlisted recruit - made this choice; each understands they will be subjected to physical and mental pressure that is unfathomable to their non-military peers. In doing so, these young people will contribute to the defense of our society and equally important, strengthen American civic life.

The path to service

By any measure the plebes are a different breed. Approximately 16,600 applied to the class of 2026, an application process that includes a full medical exam, hearing and eye tests, physical fitness assessment and minimum four in-person interviews on top of high grades and test scores. For enlisted service members, they are among the only 23 percent of their peers qualified to join; the remaining 77 percent have health and educational shortcomings and law enforcement records that deem them unsuitable to serve their nation.

The key component of plebe summer is the constant yelling from the Academy upperclassmen assigned as “detailers”, elsewhere known as the feared Drill Sergeant. As I know from my sons (USNA and USMA, classes of 2018 and 2022), even former high school athletes accustomed to barking coaches find this incessant shouting and correction unnerving; there is never a right answer, nothing is good enough. If your folded socks face the wrong way in a drawer during an inspection, you fail and the whole unit pays a price.

Some of these kids have rarely or never been yelled at; now it comes in hard and fast. “You fail so much that you learn how to fail and quickly get back up,” said one of my sons.

“Unceasing pressure” and the All-Volunteer force

None of this is surprising to anyone who has served in the military, which since 1973 has been an all-volunteer force. Indeed, the plebe ordeal is nearly identical to that faced by new Marines at Parris Island, “Coasties” at Cape May, NJ, and airmen at Lackland Air Force Base. The very first day at Fort Benning’s Basic Combat Training, my Army drill sergeant screamed at my platoon, “We’re gonna break you down and build you up so you’re even better!” Three decades later my eldest son heard nearly the exact same words at Naval Officer Candidate School in Newport, RI.

In boot camps everywhere this nonstop all-encompassing system of harsh discipline and ubiquitous authority and the physical and mental tests are designed to force individuals to continually confront and overcome adversity, slowly building loyalty to their comrades, their platoon, their service. USNA Superintendent Admiral Water Carter said it best: “This training, this place, is all about pressure. Constant, unceasing pressure – which leads to failure, then recovery. And resilience.”

Certainly, it’s a hard road but the men and women who walk it have chosen it. For the vast majority, they emerge from the crucible of the service more resolute and disciplined, with a self-awareness that transfers to personal conduct and to the high esteem in which they are held in American civic life.

The end of the beginning

At the end of their first day the plebes struggle with just-learned close-order marching skills and file into the Academy’s Tecumseh Court. Only10 hours into the four long years of Academy life, many look shell-shocked and dejected and some are in tears.

They take the Oath of Office en masse and then march up the granite steps through Bancroft’s huge west-facing wooden doors. The last squad vanishes and then the doors are shut from the inside with a boom; the plebes are now in the total embrace of the Navy. They, like almost all new recruits, won’t see their family members for two months or more.

The indoctrination has begun, the “building up” as my drill sergeant not-so-gently told us. The days and years ahead will require even more grit and fortitude. And the cycle will roll on: Unceasing pressure. Failure. Recovery. Resilience. It’s not for every young person. Nothing hard is.

Published on Fatherhood.org / November 21, 2021 / Ending the youth screen addiction means a change in parenting. It begins by saying no.

Tue, 02 Nov 2021 21:15:29 GMT

There is no more timely back-to-school reading than the recent New York Times essay by Jean Twenge and Jonathan Haidt, “This Is Our Chance to Pull Teenagers Out of the Smartphone” They argue that Covid lockdowns have only accelerated the link between youth saturation with digital media and deteriorating mental health and wellbeing. Equally important, the authors offer useful advice on how to once and for all reverse the youth addiction to the ubiquitous glowing rectangle.

Twenge in particular has been omnipresent in this arena, even penning a name, iGeneration , for those born between 1995 and 2012, the first generation to reach adolescence after smartphones became widespread.

Her research into the digital culture amplifies a chain of problems – mental health, loneliness, isolation, academic performance, and physical deterioration - among youths today. The measurements of each category are as surprising as they are dismaying..

Addiction and isolation

First, “addiction” to devices is not hyperbole. A 2019 report by Common Sense Media found that American teenagers spend an astounding nine hours a day with digital technology, which includes social media, streaming video, listening to music, playing games; this total does not include screen time on homework. “Tweens” aged 8 to 12 are spending six hours with media; preschoolers with their own smartphones or tablets – yes, kids under five - averaged two hours of screen time a day. Most important: These figures are all pre-Covid; in the past 16 months, daily life for most kids has involved remote screen time for much of the school day.

In 2019 research Twenge paints it simply: “Light users of digital media reported substantially higher psychological well-being than heavy users; heavy users (vs. light) of digital media were 48% to 171% more likely to be unhappy, to be low in well-being, or to have suicide risk factors such as depression, suicidal ideation, or past suicide attempts. Heavy users (vs. light) were twice as likely to report having attempted suicide. Light users (rather than non- or moderate users) were highest in well-being.”

Nine years ago, Caitlin Flanagan wrote in Girl Land about the harm of social media on adolescent girls, noting “Allowing girls to have internet connections in their bedrooms is one of the worst decisions a parent can make.” Just last week her prophecy was confirmed by a Wall Street Journal article, Facebook Knows Instagram Is Toxic for Teen Girls, Company Documents.

It is also hardly a leap to conclude that this screen time leads to isolation. The Cigna 2020 Loneliness Index , which finds that nearly 79% of Gen Z respondents reported feeling lonely. And its consequences: an American Psychological Association study reports that more than a quarter of GenZ self-report their mental health as fair or poor.

Physical deterioration

But it’s not just mental health. The Kaiser Family Foundation reports that one out of three children aged 10 to 17 is obese or overweight. The CDC breaks that down further: Obesity prevalence was 13.4% among 2- to 5-year-olds, 20.3% among 6- to 11-year-olds, and 21.2% among 12- to 19-year-olds. A just-published article in the Journal of the America Medical Association (JAMA) Network, found that youths gained more weight during the COVID-19 pandemic than before it. The greatest change occurred among children aged 5 through 11 years old and the prevalence of obesity increased from 36.2% to 45.7%. Another CDC study notes that the rate of young people ages 10 to 19 with type 2 diabetes increased by 95% over the 16-year period, from 2001 to 2017.

Educational attainment

Is the increased screen time producing smarter kids? As for the schooling that takes up the majority of the day for any kid, the latest National Assessment of Educational Progress survey – the “Nation’s Report Card” from 2019 – shows that nationwide, only 41 percent of 4 ^th graders proficient in math and 25 percent proficient in Reading; for grade 8, 34 percent proficient in math, 34 percent proficient in reading. Adds New York Times education reporter Dana Goldstein “An international exam shows that American 15-year-olds are stagnant in reading and math even though the country has spent billions to close gaps with the rest of the world”

Now, mental and physical health and academic progress can be quantified – but how about traditional social participation and involvement? A compelling study from the National Alliance for Youth Sports notes that 70 percent of kids in the U. S. stop playing organized sports by the time they turn 13. Not only does this give heft to the appalling obesity figures but it’s no doubt linked to isolation: Quitting a team pulls a kid away from exactly the camaraderie, sustained effort, and inevitable adversity that young people need to become a functioning member of a school community and a society.

The Pattern

Colossal screen time, isolation, ensuing mental health challenges, marginal educational performance, and physical deterioration – scientific and unscientific, the pattern emerges. Only one thing can turn this around: Parents.

Twenge and Flanagan are parents, as are two other women who have for a decade raised concerns about modern American parenting, Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids and recently, Michaeleen Doucleff, an NPR reporter who has studied parenting on three continents.

I’ve followed all four for years. Like them, I’m a parent, having helped raise three sons - two young GenXers, one older GenZ. Like these women, I’ve seen these two generations up close for two decades and have spent thousands of hours around parents and kids all over the nation.

After a while, the sheer number of parental and kid interactions that I’ve had produced enough anecdotes to reveal patterns. And in my real world of parenting - perhaps unknown to elite literary critics, childless scolds, and well-meaning educational administrators and psychologists – I know that the turning point is indeed regulating the digital world, which as noted above, leads to shortcomings in every aspect of a kid’s life. Hence, here’s what I did, in a very basic fashion, to limit the grip of the glowing rectangle and guide my kids to be reflexive in good conduct and character:

Real-world parenting

Early on, as with any parent, I saw how my sons were transfixed by screens, principally video games and YouTube videos. Hence, the boys’ screen time was severely limited: two hours a week for viewing anything online outside of homework. None of the three received phones until they were in 11th grade.

Isolation was not tolerated. I encouraged – demanded – my kids get involved in group activities, community service, and team sports from the age of five onwards, which enhanced their social skills and resiliency. There is always the wonderful lesson of competition, from 2nd-grade rec soccer to Division-1 Rugby. I was relentless in admonishing my sons: When you go out on an athletic field, be prepared that half the people in the bleachers are screaming at you to fail – yes, the parents of the kids you’re playing against. Confronting the pressure - this is how the real-world works, not the fantasy world of Call of Duty - Special Ops. Public judging, real demands whether on a stage, in front of a class, in a gym, or on a field, is crucial to building steadfastness and character.

As for self-confidence, I took a page from the “World’s Worst Mom” – Lenore Skenazy, who in 2008 endured national condemnation for having the audacity to allow her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone. She subsequently founded Free-Range Kids and then Let Grow Movement promoting childhood independence and resilience, with the simple admonition: “When adults step back, kids step up. We believe today’s kids are smarter, safer, and stronger than our culture gives them credit for.” She’s right – and I lived her experiment: Starting when they reach the age of 5, I would send my sons into Skenazy-style situations:

I’d have them go into a convenience store with a memorized list of items and a 20-dollar bill. Alone. This became customary and the older they got, the more challenging were the tests – son, you order for all of us at the restaurant, you take care of our tickets at the airline counter, you go with me and buy your own clothes.

Pushing kids – yes, pushing – away from screens and phones into dealing with real-world experiences accompanied by gentle, sometimes vocal hectoring. This builds self-worth, independence, personal strength.

The above are only a few examples; as I outlined in my book on raising resilient kids, there were many more .

A beginning to end the smartphone trap

Twenge and Haidt offer two key solutions to the smartphone trap:

Lock up phones during school, so students can practice the lost art of paying full attention to the people around them — including their teachers.
“Delay entry into social media, ideally keeping it entirely out of elementary and middle schools. At present, many 10- and 11-year-olds simply lie about their age to open accounts, and once that happens, other kids don’t want to be excluded, so they feel pressured to do the same. The platforms should — at a minimum — be held legally responsible for enforcing their stated minimum age of 13. Since social media platforms have failed to do so using post hoc detection methods, they should be required to implement age and identity verification for all new accounts, as many other industries have done.

Another superb idea highlighted by researchers Camilo Ortiz and Stephanie De Leo in Quillette : “Most new [home] routers allow parents to block devices from accessing the Internet. The same can be done with iOS and Android devices. It’s a set it and forget it approach that we have found far more effective than repeatedly asking a teen to hand over a phone.”

Most of all, it’s parenting and pushing back against a ubiquitous and disturbing digital culture. Parenting requires the ability to say no, and particularly in this age, to say no often. No to screens – no to endless gaming and streaming and messaging and cute TikTok videos and YouTube and Netflix binging. Again, it’s appalling that kids spend an average of nine-plus hours a day on screens; that four out of five feel lonely in the dynamic world of neighborhoods and school. Or that one of out every three kids is unable to climb three flights of stairs without gasping – or quitting.

Reversing these trends must start somewhere and Twenge and Haidt, Ortiz and De Leo offer the ideal starting points for parents who must fight the overwhelming of the digital culture. Parents are adults and kids are kids – there is no negotiating such a destructive aspect of life as a screen. It begins by saying no.

A Reunion of Three Brothers and Armed Forces Day, 2021

Fri, 14 May 2021 13:28:27 GMT

Last week, my three sons were together in person for the first time in two-and-a-half years. It wasn’t because of Covid. The eldest two are Naval Officers whose deployments to the Far East, Atlantic, and Middle East were extensive and kept them away from seeing each other and the youngest brother, a third-year Cadet at West Point with his own military responsibilities.

This kind of long-term separation is the norm for military families – spouses, kids, and parents. 59 percent of deployed service members are married and 49 percent have children. These situations are difficult, even in an electronically connected age. Moreover, as I know from personal experience, there’s the ever-present anxiety - family members will always glance warily at a ringing phone, which are kept on day and night.

This family sacrifice is just one element for the celebration of Armed Forces Day, May 15. Inaugurated in 1950, the recognition stemmed from the unification of the Armed Forces under the Department of Defense and the replacement of separate Army, Navy, Marine Corps and Air Force Days. President Harry S Truman (himself a World War I Army veteran) led the effort to establish a single holiday for citizens to recognize our military service members.

Unfortunately, the military experience has never been more removed from American life than today. Thirteen million men and women were in uniform in 1945; 3.5 million in 1968 during the Vietnam War, two million in 1991 at beginning of the Gulf War, 1.4 million in 2010 during the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts and 1.3 million today . That number represents less than one-half of one percent of the total U.S. population; the approximate 18 million military veterans alive today represent less than six percent of the U.S. population.

A stated theme of Armed Forces Day was to serve an "educational program for civilians" on what military service brings to American life. By any measure, that service is a huge plus for the civic experience. More so than any institution in America, the services are racially and geographically diverse. Indeed, the U.S. Army Reserve and Army Guard platoons in which I served as an enlisted soldier were majority-minority. In my sons’ units, minorities are overrepresented as a percentage of their overall population in the nation.

Second, from day one, the military serves as an ongoing educational and vetting process, from basic training to occupational schools to units where this knowledge is used and constantly refined. Along the way, the military demands certain behaviors – personal responsibility, dependability, camaraderie and always looking out for the welfare of the team. These qualities were the theme of endless exhortations from my drill sergeants and every officer I ever met.

The results of this training certainly benefit America. The Pew Research Foundation finds that a majority of Americans look up to those who served in the military; service members and vets are seen as more disciplined and patriotic than their non-military peers. Other studies reveal that military service is linked with political engagement such as voting and that this connection is strongest for minorities. There is also a close relationship between military service and volunteering and that for veterans, the transition to adulthood, including economic independence from parents, is more stable and orderly for military personnel than for their civilian cohort.

Of course, the military isn’t for everyone. In fact, seven out of ten young men and women today are ineligible to join the military because of poor health, physical fitness and educational shortcomings and law enforcement and disciplinary records. The 30 percent who do qualify? They’re not only attractive to military recruiters but particularly now to employers desperate for trustworthy, reliable employees.

My three sons – two young millennials and the one Generation Z - grew up hearing about their grandfathers’ naval experiences in World War II and Korea and their Uncle’s service as a Marine infantry platoon commander in Desert Storm. My service tales about typing up duty rosters and changing the oil on Humvees were less prosaic.

The chief motivation for their career paths came from the camaraderie and discipline they cultivated in playing on athletic teams from childhood through college, sometimes serving as captains. At seven-years-old and seventeen, the drill was the same - every kid was held accountable and follow-through was expected. It took grinding determination to acquire skills and self-control to handle adversity. The team was all and you were expected to get along with everyone, even if you didn’t like them.

The middle son is a U.S. Naval Academy graduate now assigned to the USS Daniel Inouye; my youngest son, in typical competitive brotherly fashion, demurred from following his older sibling’s college selection and aims to be an Infantry Officer. The eldest son attended a New England college to play sports; the team ideal persisted and he was in Officer Candidate School not long after his final lacrosse game; he’s now with the USS Carl Vinson Carrier Strike Group. The two eldest will be in the seas their grandfathers once patrolled.

Collectively, the two eldest at 25 and 24 years of age lead dozens of enlisted men and women, work with complex equipment (some of it lethal) worth hundreds of millions of dollars and have been in tight situations that are absolutely unfathomable to their non-military peers. This is hardly boasting; these kinds of endeavors are performed by tens of thousands of military men and women every day.

On this Armed Forces Day we acknowledge our service members and families in the U.S. and in the 160 nations in which they are deployed. In addition to being the nation’s most admired organization, the military at its core teaches and enhances invaluable personal and civic qualities. No other institution in American life today can make that claim; that’s what Americans should learn from and reflect upon today.

2 Years, 3 Sons, 4 Lessons

Fri, 07 May 2021 15:58:50 GMT

All four Nelligans haven’t been together in 2 ½ years because of military deployments so here are photos of when three were. From the left: Devlin, Nellie, Braden and on the extreme right of the second photo, KoiKoi. Someday there will be a photo of all four.

Two years ago my book on parenting was published – Four Lessons From My Three Sons: How You Can Raise a Resilient Kid . Noted at the time was that I wrote it for two reasons:

First, my last son left for college so I suddenly had a lot of free time. Sound familiar to all you empty nesters? No longer was I attending games and practices and school events, nervously pacing sidelines and hallways muttering like a maniac.

Second, I have a bottomless ego - ha! - and figured I had some good advice to offer parents. And why not?! I’d been around kids for more than two decades in every situation under the sun known to the American Dad. So yeah, to borrow the most quoted line the book, I knew what I had to do: “Just get the ball to Louie!”

At all of 70 pages the book is short and loose and hard and fast. In addition to all the hijinx I wrote about, I spared no one and nothing – stupid jerk kids (chapter 3), crazy wokeness (chapter 5), and my sons’ failures and my own failures (chapter 4). Throughout the laughs and funny phrases and real-world wake-up calls, I held steady to the four ways in which I wanted my sons to flourish: Conduct, Confidence, Resilience and Ambition. Indeed, they are as important now to a 25-year-old as they were to a kid of six.

Two years later, I am stunned – and humbled – by the book’s reception. I’ve been interviewed by major-league journalists, book excerpts have been published on a wide range of parenting websites, and yours truly has spoken at numerous conferences giving my unfiltered take on All Things Kids. Absolutely best of all, I’ve heard from hundreds and hundreds of parents who read the book, told me a wide range of tales about their kids, and how the book gave them ideas about parenting styles. Indeed, I heard from a number of parents who had their kids read the book and then discuss it. It was one of many superb insights that were wayyyy outside the narrow parameters of my mind.

From all the conversations and feedback, several themes emerged which told me that I could have done better in writing Four Lessons . And yes, just like I told my sons, when you run into adversity and justified criticism, man up and take the pain. Assess, advance adapt.

Hence, following are a few general comments based upon – and here’s a switch - a ton of advice that I received and some frank admissions of my own shortcomings

The Evil Screens

By far, the most frequent conversations with parents were about screens – phones, laptops, televisions – what I will derisively call the “glowing rectangle.” I noted in the book that my guys were totally limited in screen time; they didn’t receive phones until they were 16 and could drive and that they received one hour a week to play video games. Yes, I know Covid has upended a lot of households, most of all the virtual teaching of kids. What I said again and again in my parent conversations that while here’s a reason for screen time for class and homework, the moment those are complete the wise parent takes away the laptop, phone, and video games. Before Covid, American 8-to-12-year-olds spent 4 hours and 44 minutes on screen media each day and teenagers a whopping 7 hours and 22 minutes. Does any reasonable parent think this saturation is anything but appalling?!

So I will reiterate: Take the screens away! No excuses, no negotiation. These items are yours , not theirs . You bought them, you pay for the service. There is nothing more damaging to a kid who is already going through the crucible of isolation than for him or her to get on a phone and be subject to the madness of social media and so called “entertainment.” Nothing raises more the panic and anxiety than constant streams of sensationalist and often vulgar information. Rip it out of their hands and be wise enough to offer alternatives.

“Fat Kid Nation ”

I could be diplomatic here but Nellie is not sophisticated enough to offer fairy tales so I’ll lay it on the line. A surprisingly large number of parents voiced concern about obese and overweight kids they see – and sometimes, have. One Dad said “It’s fat kid nation out there.” A Mom sent me a study from Kaiser Family Foundation: 32 percent of kids between 10 and 17 are overweight or obese. Unbelievable.

Now, my exposure to heavyset kids had mostly been seeing them on teams against which my sons played in football and lacrosse (sometimes even at swim meets, which I always found startling). Anyone who knows sports knows what to do with a heavy kid on the field: You drive right at him relentlessly. Your offense and defense goes right through him because he’s quickly gassed and making errors. Yeah, again not PC but any kid in uniform – and in any parent in the bleachers – knows that’s how it shakes down.

Hence, I wish I’d addressed this in the book – that parents have got to seize control of a kid’s diet and force him to exercise every day until he or she drops. Fat kid nation, indeed.

Ambition and Teachers

I got some blowback for my seeming criticism of the teaching profession and the salaries made by teachers. Even as I added in the book that teachers at every stage of my life had given me priceless guidance, I apologize for my seeming insensitivity. So to humbly clarify, the point wasn’t about teachers – it was about earning power. You recall my eldest son said he wanted to be a teacher and because I am all about shock treatment - did I tell you I’m unfiltered? - I drove him to a neighborhood where with a teacher's salary, he would be destined to live. TO reiterate the book: Teaching is an honorable and near heroic profession. It’s also the least appreciated. And moreover, the problems of bad parenting or nonexistent

parenting always get dropped on teachers . They are paid way below what they deserve. If my kid had said he wanted to enter another profession known for low salaries, I would have taken him to the same neighborhood. But he didn’t. I wrote the truth.

Too Late?

Parents of older kids told me they wish there was a book for kids who were 18 and older, who had gone down a wrong path or no path at all and needed to be forcibly guided back to a better path. We all know the struggles of the Millennials and Generation Z; many self-inflicted. Such a large percentage of these two cohorts still live at home, are in debt, poor health (44 % of older Millennials age 32 to 40 already have one chronic condition) aimless, shun useful employment, lack follow – or as my Dad used to say, “Can’t put a key in a lock.” Of course – if you get trophies all your life for having a heartbeat, you’re going to be slack-jawed loser crouching in your parents’ basement.

I have a set of defined ideas for such a book and if there is an overwhelming push from my loyal public – ha! - I will write that book. Yeah, it’s like in Caddyshack where Judge Smails in his talking to Danny Noonan: “I know how hard young people have it today, and I want to help.”

A Final Word

Now, a w ord about my three sons, which is after all, how this whole crazy thing started. By design and perhaps you don’t recall, I mentioned briefly their accomplishments (on page xi) as a way to suggest validation of my parenting style. Sure, I may be an over-the-top Dad but I didn’t feel it relevant to wax on throughout the book with examples of their personal diligence. But OK, now it can be revealed that two of them received the Certificate of Merit in 8 th grade for one week of perfect attendance.

The eldest is now on his second deployment as a Naval officer to the Far East; the middle kid is a Naval officer on his second deployment to the 7th Fleet in the Pacific; the youngest is finishing up his third year at West Point. Enough said.

In the two years since the book was written, all three have had occasional triumphs and occasions of major-league adversity. That’s the way life works; as I said repeatedly: No one gets a free ride. I will add that the two eldest were in two separate and particularly tight situations in their military jobs, during the midst of which, as they told me later, they managed to pull out the old phrase heard from an unemployed Dad on a football field long ago: “Yeah, it’s the end of the world.” For both, it wasn’t; it never is. But aha, the staying power of the Lessons – and the phrase!

To reiterate what was in the book’s Introduction, I wrote it because I knew that even some part of my two decades of experience with my three sons might help parents raise alert, rugged, and resilient kids in this increasingly confused and unsettled world. As I said back then, my parenting tactics worked for my kids. They can work for yours.

Three Tips On Making These The Best Times To Be A Parent

Sun, 26 Apr 2020 16:22:58 GMT

As my Army Drill Sergeant used to say:
"Don’t count the days, make the days count."

There are two types of parents today.

The first is the Dad or Mom who is hurting; a lost job and strained finances and general despair. I emphasize I’ve been there. I work in politics and several times my candidates have been on the south side of an election. When that happens, you’re abruptly fired and you’re soon thin in the wallet. There’s only one way out: Grind on. Keeping reaching out, keep calling, keep looking, and keep driving. As my old Army drill sergeant used to yell at my platoon: “Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.”

The second is the Dad or Mom working at home and is beginning to go nuts because they’re balancing work and their kids are around all the time. Every person in the house has run out of things to do and every day is a slow march to dinner and beyond.

Either type of parent can become the third type of parent: The one that understands that this is the best time ever to be a Dad or Mom. Why? Because the kids are around and you have time - time with them that you never had before and may never have again.

Yes, hard to believe, but these unusual times are a gift. Use these moments now to get to know your kid in ways that will last way beyond this temporary setback, for years and years to come.

To come back to the first type of parent, hurting and angry: It takes a strong will to overcome adversity. I know. I didn’t think I was capable of mustering it but I did. And when I did, I became that third type of parent:

1. All Time With a Kid is Quality Time: The Bleacher Report

Most Dads know it takes effort to spend unrushed and undistracted time with your son. You’re grinding at work all week, your kid is at school, there are after-school activities, he’s got homework, it’s now 8 p.m. and you’re already thinking about tomorrow. It’s the iron grip of the Schedule. Now that iron grip is broken. It was sure broken for me when I was jobless. Even though I was anxious about finding work, I hid it from my kids and got a grip on the perpetual motion machine of normal times, i.e., when Dad is headed off every morning in a suit and tie to work.

How? I sat my three sons down and laid it out the only way I know how: With the unflinching truth. “Ok gents, we all know it’s bad right now. It won’t last forever but one thing will: Beginning today, we are making a schedule for when we spend time together.” From the web, I had downloaded copies of a blank office calendar for the rest of this year.

“We’re going into a hard routine. We’ll mark specific days and times until the end of the year when each of you individually spend time with me, no other brothers and no distractions. There’s only one rule: Each of you better be prepared to talk.”

Over time, this became unofficially known as the Bleacher Report. I and the designated son would grab snacks from home and normally go to the fields at the local high school, which on any given Saturday morning is one of the most peaceful places on the planet. If you can’t do that now, improvise. We’d throw around a football or lacrosse ball or a baseball for an hour, run sprints goal line to goal line and afterwards, sprawl across several rows of bleacher benches (hence the term) and just talk.

It was simple – I’d think up some topics to draw him out and then we’d slide into the rundown: How’d the week go? Name one big success, one big fail. Ok, here’s what happened in the old man’s week; ask me two questions about it. What’s coming up that makes you nervous, confident? Or we’d play the Fave Game: What’s your fave movie, car, cheeseburger, and teacher and why? There were zero distractions; the phones were left in car, there were no brothers to interrupt - just the fields stretching before us as our conversation graduated from everyday stuff to serious stuff.

This routine never varied. As the years went on, the conversations became more important inasmuch as the boys were wrestling with academics and sports and friends and the college matters.

The Bleacher report never ever ended. My middle kid was home from a deployment to the Persian Gulf this last Christmas and I’ll let you guess where Saturday found us. We talked as long and casually about his ship’s exploits with Iranian patrol boats as a decade earlier we had talked about the games of his 8th grade football team.

2. The Year in Review

When I was a stay-at-home Dad – that is, staying at home because I had no job to go to - in between husting for work, I took part in the All-American Pastime: Cleaning out the house.

In fact, that’s what a lot of people are doing right now. I bet like me, they are going through every room, prowling the basement and attic and garage, opening boxes and closets and discovering treasures on once-unknown shelves. I guarantee that a lot of the stuff they are finding is kid-related. I did. That’s because every kid produces a record. And by that I mean: schoolwork, art drawings (yes, from when they were four-years old), photos from the last soccer season and winter swim meets and the family vacation; a program from the college football game that he insists on keeping; the Earth Day report with glued leaves and twigs; test papers and report cards and the certificate from the Science Fair and the community newspaper article with his name in it. I could go on but you get it. Like many parents, I’ve held onto it all.

Now is the time for you to rummage through it all. Go through all this kid flotsam and then carefully sorted it, making a stack for each kid. Photos and other docs that have been on your computer for years? I printed them all out.

Then, when I was surrounded by stacks for each kid, I sorted it all out, placing the items in plastic sheet protectors and adding to each a date and a whimsical note. All was inserted in a three-ring binder for each kid, on which the front was written, “The Year in Review.” Yeah, a scrapbook. You think that’s nuts? Keep reading.

The binders were a hit with my three sons; they will be with your kids. This was an entire year of page-by-page good memories and surprisingly, they were pored over throughout the year by the boys.

Indeed, the Year binders are ongoing. I save photos and emails they’ve sent and news clippings about the regions of the world they are in and put it together every year, it’s a constant and colorful reminder of what they had achieved.

When the eldest kid, out of college, was at home carefully packing his gear for a Naval deployment in the Far East, I offhandedly asked him what he was taking. “One of the Years.” he said simply. “When I get homesick, I’ll pull it out.”

3. Get outside!

For goodness sake, GET OUTSIDE! Oh, AND AWAY FROM SCREENS! Yes, this is hardly original. But you can never do it enough. And here are some ways to change it up. No electronics permitted beyond the front and back doors! Walk through the neighborhoods and parts of your community you’ve never seen. Use this as an opportunity to tell them about your neighborhood and you life growing up as a kid. I guarantee this will spark the kid’s curiosity. Hey, you’ve got a captive audience and for now, you have all the time in the world.

In the backyard, throw balls - baseball, football, soccer, lacrosse – but just not back and forth. Challenge the kid by making it a competition. Ten times without a drop, five times opposite hand. 20 times in 30 seconds. And if want to jazz it up, put some minor money on it – 50 cents, a dollar. Have push up and sit up contests and other unusual events. How far you can walk with a book balanced on your head? How many times can you hop on one foot? Yeah, all sounds crazy.

Well, I did it all and it provided some of the most fun moments I even spent with my sons.

Last, I’m like a lot of you – working at home now and my youngest is home from West Point while the other two remain deployed on the outposts of the world. Nellie Junior has schoolwork but we have plenty of time together and sometimes I’ll tell him, Ok pal, this evening we’re gonna sit in the front room and read quietly for an hour. Then, you tell me about what you’ve read and I’ll do the same. You see, you can make even the simplest things come alive.

Sure these are odd times. Whatever your situation right now – and I’m darn familiar with both - be that third type of parent. None of us will ever again have this freedom and closeness to our kids. Don’t fall into the trap of going through the motions and wishing for it all to end and “normal” to ensue. Because my drill sergeant had another saying: Don’t count the days. Make the days count.

#####

Check out my book – Four Lessons from My Three Sons: How You Can Raise Resilient Kids.

Ok, any easy pitch. This gem is only 60-pages long, a 45-minute read, hard and fast and funny. It tells the story of how I raised my kids and propelled them to the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams College, and West Point. It’s a step-by-step guide on how to develop boys who are steadfast in conduct, character, and ambition.

How to make your kid’s bad friends his ex-friends

Tue, 25 Feb 2020 14:36:36 GMT

It won’t be pretty - but consider the stakes

It’s a parent’s nightmare : Your once decent and relatively happy kid suddenly begins to change. He (or she) exhibits a changed, distressing personality, a troubling new personal appearance, an edgy attitude, and increasingly testy relations with siblings and with you. Something is not quite right with your child. And you know why.

It’s a parent’s instinct : You know your kid has fallen in with the “wrong crowd,” or to put it bluntly, with kids who are pure, malign trouble, and they are taking your kid down with them.

It’s a parent’s reaction : Something’s gotta be done. You know that at some point – maybe soon - your child will be irretrievably locked into a malevolent clique. And be lost.

Throughout two decades of parenting life, I’ve seen this transformation in kids: Good kids falling in with undeniably awful kids, a once promising adolescent life upended. I also know there’s one sure way to turn this around.

Yes, this way is tough, embarrassing, and ugly – it requires unrelenting intervention and intercession. You, as the parent, have to ratchet up the pressure and heat so high that the kid has no option but to stay away from the bad kids for good.

First off, what’s a bad kid? That’s easy. Any parent can spot a jerk. They’re devious, shifty, and contemptuous, they disdain rules and they are addicted to phones and screens and social media. As ringleaders, they treat their counterparts – girls and boys – with condescension. They are on the fringe at school and you can bet they’re drinking and using drugs - they’re on the edge. C’mon folks, you know who they are.

And here are the six ways in which you break your kid free from them:

1. First up is frank, tough conversation. Get them alone and in solitude – no electronics, not a single individual around, and not in the house with all its distractions. The place has got to be momentous so the kid knows it’s serious. You tell him/her. ‘Hey pal, I’m concerned. You’ve changed – you know it and we all know it. You were on the right road and it’s obvious to everyone you’re not anymore. Tell me about this kid/kids you’re hanging around.’ When the kid explains, or tries to explain, you respond, ‘Ok, well here’s the deal: I don’t want you to see that kid and his/her friends anymore. They are bad news and they will ruin all that you have worked for. This either stops or I am going to intervene and cause you - and our family - humiliation and embarrassment and shame like you’ve never seen.’

2. You monitor your kid. Because this is an electronic age, begin with his/her phone, for which you doubtless foot the bill. You take control of the apps and the messaging services. Monitor and cut way back on video games. Forbid the kid to be in any contact with the bad crowd on any platform.

3. Oh, so your kid is around the bad guys at school? You go to the school and meet with the relevant counselors, perhaps even teachers, and explain exactly your concerns. You make it well known to everyone there that you have major-league concerns about your kid being in the wrong crowd.

        If nothing, the shock value will be tremendous. ‘What kind of parent does this?’ the school officials will think.
Answer: One who cares. What will you achieve? You’ve let everyone know exactly what the score is. You have made
        an outrageous scene that is remembered. And you can count on it that this will get around to your kid and others that
        you are deadly serious.

4. Then, you monitor every moment of after-school activity. You put him or her on a short leash – the schedule is school, whatever sports and activities, and then home. No exceptions. You limit the kid’s hours out on weekends. You require that he/her tell you who he is meeting and hanging around. You follow up to see if the truth is being told.

5. You make a point of maneuvering him into contact with good kids; you reach out to the parents of such kids, and you become relentless in getting your kid with those kids whom you trust and who are on the right path.

6. Every family has family and friends that a kid respects and trusts – you ask them to speak with your kid. What’s to lose?!

Of course, throughout all this, expect major-league arguments and unpleasant scenes and general uproar. Welcome it all because chaos is good – you, the kid, the jerks, realize that your full-scale assault is not going away.

Because what’s the alternative?! Your kid continues to hang around the losers. You “hope” that the situation changes. “He’ll come to his senses,” you say. No, he won’t.

Fear some kind of backlash from the kid? What? Before you intervened, you were already being driven crazy in imagining all the bad outcomes; every phone call after 8 p.m. made you cringe.

If your campaign is successful, your kid - the decent one you once had - is going to realize his or her errors, come back to you, and admit to you at some point that you were right.

But don’t get to a day when the “hopes” have proved fruitless, your intervention is too late, and your kid is lost to you forever.
#####

5 Tips for Millennials Who Want to Raise Engaged and Resilient Kids

Thu, 16 Jan 2020 15:19:16 GMT

Up front: It’s become a lazy and inaccurate trope to malign Millennials. Because the fact is, they are one of the most powerful forces in American society today. At 79 million, they are the largest generational cohort in America. They’re also the most educated age group; 39 percent have at least a bachelor’s degree and earn more, with a median adjusted household income of $85,800, than young adult households did at nearly any time in the last half century.

Most important, this now ascendant generation is raising families. Today, there are more than 38 million babies born of Millennial parents.

And with that Millennials are heading up families that comprise nearly one-third of the U.S. population, here are some age-old tips that can help them raise engaged and resilient kids. (Full disclosure: I’m the father of two Millennials who have made their way through the U.S. Naval Academy and Williams College and beyond).

1. Character always counts. Every adult knows this: Upright conduct requires no talent and no skill whatsoever. There’s no intellect necessary in looking into someone’s eye when you speak with them. There’s no skill required in shaking hands with an adult and saying Mr., Mrs., or Ms. It’s not difficult to wear modest, presentable clothing, to comb your hair or tuck in your shirt, and refrain from obscenities. Hey, how hard is the simple act of being a pleasant to an individual? These are the easiest tasks there are – and parents should find it easy to insist on this behavior.

2. The dangers of the glowing rectangle. Millennials span the lifespan of the digital age, from the formation of the now-behemoth Amazon in 1998 to the first IPhone in 2009. They know how ubiquitous – and harmful - screen saturation can become. Whether it is violent video games, frenetic social media, or zombie-like streaming, the kids of Millennials are in danger of being hooked. The wise parent limits screen time and enhances Dad and Mom time.

3. The value of public judging. There is nothing better for the self-worth of a kid than being on a stage, a field, or in the spotlight. That’s because when a kid is in the arena, they can’t run - and they must rely on personality, talent, and confidence. I used to tell my boys every time they suited up for a game: “Guys, this is as good as it gets. Just think - half the people in the stands today will be screaming at you to fail. Show them up and prove them wrong.” A kid who can perform in the moment when the heat is on becomes a stronger individual for life.

4. Have your kid take charge. Explain to your kid that a safe, objective point of view in any situation is to assume that everyone around them has little or no idea of what they are doing. Clarify that it’s not wise to make assumptions about the actions or understanding of others. Kids need to be taught these reflexes: If a situation is getting sketchy, you are the first kid to pull out of it. If you are driving, don’t assume the person getting ready to pull out sees you or is even paying attention. Never go with, "I think they understood what I was saying" - ensure sure they understand. Initiative is vital. Telling your kid to take charge of his or her environment means other won’t do it for them.

5. Adversity is priceless. No kid – and no adult – gets a free pass in life. Even a courteous, confident kid is going to have ordeals and disasters. My sons suffered through all of the trials that your kids will encounter: Wrestling with friendships and peer pressure; struggles with academics; getting beaten like a drum by opponents in games; and, personal disappointments they never shared with me, but which I knew existed. Failure is bound to occur at some point and occur again. The key is to absorb the distress and instinctively find a way forward.

Hence, persuade your kid that the best way of avoiding sagas, or at least prevent them from spinning out of control, is to approach daily life with preparation and poise. Strive to have them react to any setback, large or small, with as much calm as they can muster and keep the big hit in perspective. Most important, teach them to them to move out forthrightly: assess clearly the problem, adapt to the changed circumstances, and then drive forward. Adversity teaches a kid more about life than success ever will.

Parenting is timeless and requires strength and discipline. These five tips can help Millennials raise the newest generations of Americans, kids who will learn to strive and endure and succeed.

#####

Three inexpensive holiday gifts for your son that will endure for years

Tue, 03 Dec 2019 19:46:47 GMT

Perhaps this sounds familiar: You’re a Dad with a son who has everything he needs and most of what he wants and you’re a bit helpless as the Christmas frenzy escalates. As the father of three boys, I know exactly how you feel.

That’s why, one December when reaching this frustration point I decided it was time for a major-league change. Forget the gifts that bring a sugar-high joy but are discarded in a month. I was going to give them items that had staying power.

What I didn’t know is that these thoughtful, inexpensive gifts would endure for years, right up to today. And here they are:

The Year in Review

Every kid produces a record. And by that I mean: schoolwork, art drawings (yes, from when they were four-years old), photos from the last soccer season and winter swim meets and the family vacation; a program from the college football game that he insists on keeping; the Earth Day report with glued leaves and twigs; test papers and report cards and the certificate from the Science Fair and the community newspaper article with his name in it. I could go on but I imagine you get it. Like many parents, I’ve held onto it all.

The day after Thanksgiving, I rummaged around throughout the house, basement, and attic, gathered up all this kid flotsam and then carefully sorted it, making a stack for each kid. Photos and other docs that were on my computer – I printed them all out.

Then, I painstakingly placed the items in plastic sheet protectors and to each added a whimsical note. All was inserted in a three-ring binder for each kid, on which the front was written, “The Year in Review.” Yeah, a scrapbook, with the items chosen for maximum joy and inspiration and laughs.

The binders were the hit of our Christmas. This wasn’t a material thing – it was an entire year of page-by-page good memories and surprisingly, they were pored over throughout the year by the boys.

In fact, “The Year in Review” has been going now been going for 16 years. It’s easy and rewarding to put together - I make a point throughout the year of keeping every document and photo related to each son.

Indeed, the “Year” provided all three sons with a priceless glimpse of their achievements and happy times. As they got older, one year set the bar for the next, and they kept raising the bar. The accomplishments became more important, the events more momentous, the memories stronger, the stakes higher. The Year was a constant and colorful reminder of what they had achieved.

When the eldest kid, out of college, was at home packing his gear for a Naval deployment in the Far East, I offhandedly asked him what he was taking, “Volume two.” he said simply. “If I get homesick, I can pull it out.”

The Saturday Bleacher Report

After yet another year of this perpetual motion machine, I decided to get a grip on this madness and take control. I sat them all down one weekend morning in December and said, “Guys, we’ve been all over the map this year and it’s no good. Next year is going to be different and you’ll see what I mean on Christmas Day.” From the web, I downloaded three copies of a blank office calendar for the next year and performed some primitive artwork on each with colored pencils.

On Christmas Day, I distributed a calendar to each kid. “Ok, you’re wondering, what’s the deal here? We’re going into a hard routine, gents. You will notice that each Saturday as marked on your calendar, one of you lucky guys – just one - leaves with me at 9 and will be home by noon. If you have a game, it’s gonna be Sunday. There’s only one requirement for each Saturday: Be prepared to run and to talk.”

Over time, this became known as the Saturday Morning Bleacher Report. I and the designated son would grab some breakfast at a local diner and then go to the fields at the local high school, which on any given Saturday morning is one of the most peaceful places on the planet. We’d throw around a football or lacrosse ball or a baseball for an hour and afterwards, sprawl across several rows of bleacher benches and just talk. It was simple – I’d think up some topics to draw him out and then we’d slide into the rundown: How’d the week go? Name one big success, one big fail; ok, here’s what happened during my week. What’s coming up that makes you nervous, confident? There were zero distractions; the phones were left in car, there were no brothers to interrupt - just the fields stretching before us as we graduated from everyday stuff to serious stuff.

This routine never varied. As the years went on, the conversations became more important inasmuch as the boys were wrestling with academics and sports and friends and the college matters.

The Bleacher Report never ended. My youngest kid was home from college over this past Thanksgiving and I’ll let you guess where Saturday found us.

3. My book – Four Lessons from My Three Sons: How You Can Raise Resilient Kids.

There you are - three simple, inexpensive gifts that could fundamentally change how you interact with and motivate your son. Indeed, three Christmas presents with a shelf life not for a month, but for years to come.

"Just get the ball to Louie!"

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 12:24:52 GMT

How your kid can develop confidence and self-awareness

The most remarkable coach the boys ever had was a guy named Mark Dubick, a Bethesda neighbor and a former member of the high-powered University of Maryland lacrosse team. The boys were aware of my total respect for the guy and once when the three of us were driving home from a practice, the eldest son asked, “Dad, why do you like Coach Dubick so much?” “Because he’s exactly like my old Drill Sergeant Harrison,” I responded, “Except Coach is short, white, and Jewish.”

Dubick personally selected a top-caliber lacrosse team from about 150 kids at tryouts. Yeah, “cuts” after a “competition” where kids were “judged” on their “abilities” – that is, a setting before which kids had practiced endless hours and weeks and months trying to improve their skills. Imagine that. Every kid on the final team was good; there was one kid who was great – Louie, Coach Dubick’s son.

When things in a game got tight, there was one hoarse, penetrating yell you could count on: “Just get the ball to Louie!” I can still hear it and see Coach Dubick, always unshaven, his wispy hair flying, gesturing wildly with his clipboard. Far from being some crazed Dad, he was exactly right. Louie was that rare player who could score at crunch time. He was one reason the team was 37-1-1. When the heat was on, Louie gave us the best chance to win and every kid and parent knew it. Driving back from games, we’d talk about it all and some-times mimic Coach Dubick. It wasn’t in jest because we all respected the guy.

It was a classic phrase and one day the old man decided to make a point. “You know guys, we always hear Coach yelling for Louie when the team’s in a hole. But you know why? Because,” and here I pointed at my eldest son, Louie’s teammate, “we know what he can do and you can’t do. Louie scores when it’s all on the line and you can’t. Yeah, you’re good and that’s why you’re on Dubick’s team. But the key is, in any kind of situation you are in, you gotta know how you fit into it all, how you can help the overall effort. You gotta be self-aware and that means, when you’re on the field, you gotta work to get the ball to Louie.”

That afternoon as we discussed what I’d said, the explanation began to make sense to them. The boys, like most boys, were in all sorts of activities at the time, including school, and they intuitively knew how good or not so good they were at each. The idea and phrase resonated with them because it gave them a foothold on understanding where and how they stood in the various stuff they did. Indeed, that’s a big part of a boy’s life: Knowing how and where he fits in.

And let me emphasize, this is a landscape way beyond the athletic fields – it’s the whole adolescent world.

The most obvious settings are the easiest: In a classroom, means respectful behavior, expending effort. In social situations, knowing your role means getting along, being genuine, contributing to a peer group with conversation and humor but also listening more than speaking. Self-awareness marks that kid who knows himself and hence, doesn’t yield to the pressure to do something stupid.

One of the most important conversations I ever had with my eldest son consisted of eight words. He called me from a friend’s house at 10 p.m., an hour before I was to pick him up. “Hey Dad, you need to come get me.” “Oscar Mike,” I replied reflexively, our family code for ‘on the move.’ Driving him home, my son explained that some unknown kids had showed up at the house and started drinking. My kid panicked: Totally illegal behavior, parents letting it slide, kids getting drunk. Maybe the Police. He knew his role alright – get the hell out of there.

He knew that if the worst happened, and it often does, that he’d be caught up in it. And then forget it: Forget all the achievements; forget the work in the class and on the fields. It wouldn’t be an asterisk on his record, it would be a big fat red check mark.

The point is, a kid who knows his role – who has perspective on his surroundings - who intuitively knows the next, right step - is not going to find himself in compromising situations.

The older they got, the more they were beginning to think for themselves, and a few times that meant big-time reproach for the old man. When the eldest was in 9th grade, I goaded – there’s no other word – him about running for a student government office at school. “Hey man, you have a lot of pals, you’re a pretty good talker, you really oughta run for something.” He kept demurring and of course, irritating Dad that I was, I kept at it, not even considering that he was fine with who he was at school and what he was doing.

Then one day, in the midst of another round of my nagging, he looked at me long and hard and said, “Dad, I’m getting the ball to Louie.” I was stunned, and silenced. And that was that.
#####

How to Guide Your Son: The Saturday Morning Bleacher Report

Mon, 16 Sep 2019 18:23:29 GMT

Dad-to-son conversation - in solitude.

In the previous post, I gave you the Map, a basic starting point for developing the methodical son, the one who is prepared and reliable and ready.

Next up is the harder and more rewarding task: How to go about guiding your son.

Perhaps you already believe you are. Then humor me.

Developing the confident and resilient kid requires setting a baseline on you will go about explaining virtues and good behavior and right from wrong. No amount of random exhortations is going to do that. When my three boys were young, I knew it would be crazy to think I could simply tell them at regular intervals, “Hey boys, listen up. You need to be good kids, tenacious and strong and honest. No joke – the old man means it. Now, pass the salt.” C’mon man, no reasonable Dad operates that way. Kids at any age hear that refrain and roll their eyes. I would.

Nor can you leave it to chance, waiting for the right moment. You’ll never find it. And what will happen? The cruelest outcome of all”: The culture will shape your kid.

Hence, how you go about articulating these concepts – as I said, the virtues - conviction, effort, resilience - is just as important as what you say. You gotta have a plan. And the following is mine.

1. Explanations in Solitude.

Beginning when the eldest was in third grade, I took great care in explaining to each kid individually in the simplest terms possible, the basic qualities to which I wanted them to aspire. How and Where was key: They were too young for high-sounding lectures on integrity, self-assurance, and aspirations. No kid is going to understand that stratospheric approach. Plus, you must have your son’s full attention. This rules out a room in the house or the back¬yard porch or a restaurant or a shopping mall or the front seat of a car. I settled on an ideal place of peace and quiet, one with no distractions: A Saturday morning in the bleach¬ers fronting the fields of our local high school. It was a poignant venue. I had their rapt attention and they had mine.

As we sat together, I would engage them first with sim¬ple conversation about easy subjects from their everyday life. Then, I’d gently guide the talk to many of the situa¬tions in my book – handling adversity, listening to others, being of good cheer, reading the crowd. In fact, these talks became a fond ritual – not every week or even every month for each kid, but timed to be relevant. Indeed, these meet¬ings persist to this day; the eldest kid and I were in the bleachers not two months ago between his overseas deployments. What started at age 6 was being played out 18 years later.

2. Fearless Judging.
My book is full of examples of judging others. In fact, there are no judgment-free zones in my life or in anyone’s life, yours included. I don’t live in equivocation city, a suburb of the temporizing, hand-wringing, oh-let-it-go-this-time enabling world.
When my boys and I were out and about in the real world I genuinely treasure, my head was always on a swivel seeking allegories and metaphors in everything and everyone. I was relentless in acknowledging good and bad and doing so in mostly comic fashion.

Virtually everywhere we went, from the most pedestrian places to the most exciting, we’d play the game. What do you see? Who is doing what? Who is hot and who is not? “Take in all the folks around you, measure them. Which one would you trust? Who is sketchy? What did that person do wrong? What did that other person do right?” You need to impress upon your son these opportunities in the arena all around us. By judging, you’re making your kids think.

3. Persistence.
I never, ever stopped judging and demanding that my kids absorb the world around them. None of the sayings found in the book was a one-time deal. And no, I didn’t get through to the boys all the time. In order for my principles to be absorbed, they had to be sustained, over days and weeks and months and years. I know boys and I know that the same situations in their lives are repeated over and over again. I was dogged – I made sure to make every moment count.

Finally, it cannot be said enough so I’ll say it again: You’re the Dad. You’re the leader. You’re in control. Kids don’t know best. You do. Every father has the experience of being a young boy, knows the ups and downs, the everyday and the extraor¬dinary, what works and what doesn’t. So tell him about it.

As I say in my book, this life and world offer up countless situations for anyone paying attention. I used that world to build confidence, resilience and ambition in my sons, and it that has led them through the Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point. They developed the way they did because they knew right from wrong, good from bad, how to navigate and hold on through tough times and develop the resilience that is manifest today in the three hemispheres in which they lead men and women.

Explain. Judge. Persevere. Get to really know your son. And shape him before the culture, as I noted, does it for you.

Matt Lewis of CNN and The Daily Beast interviews Nelligan on Raising Resilient Kids

Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:58:58 GMT

"...drive home to your kids that good isn't good enough, that they should always aim to exceed in everything they do..."

Here's the link to the Matt Lewis Podcast:

https://www.mattklewis.com/matt-lewis-and-the-news/jeff-nelligan-on-raising-resilient-sons/

The One Thing Boys Need to Excel This School Year Will Surprise You.

Tue, 03 Sep 2019 16:22:18 GMT

Jeff Nelligan is a good-natured but unyielding father whose three boys made their way to the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point – and beyond. His book and Blog RESILIENT SONS gives Dads a new look at parenting boys, family relationships, and most of all, a new way of interacting with their sons.

This month, 56.6 million kids are going back to school in America.

For most, it will involve the same routines, the same hallways, the same uninspired grind from autumn to spring stretching out like all the other years before. Want to make this year different? Would you like your kid – this time, this year - to really excel, gain more confidence, and develop reflexive seriousness and purpose?

I won’t offer you a throw-the-long-bomb “adolescent stratagem” or “advice on a “parental dialogue” That’s because “stratagem” and “dialogue” are the same as hopeless, only spelled differently. Instead, I know from experience that creating basic, worthwhile patterns in a kid comes the hard way - a yard or two yards at a time. Developing this type of efficiency and resilience is not a sophisticated undertaking. And it begins with this: Organization.

Grab a Sharpie and a Ruler

In my kitchen hung a homemade calendar, a plain 2 ½ by 3-foot sheet of white paper sectioned into 30 days of the upcoming month with a Sharpie and a ruler. But my sons and I didn’t call it a calendar. “This, gents,” I told them, using my “we’re men here” voice, “is a map. We start at the first day of September in the top left-hand corner and we work our way all the way down to the bottom right-hand corner. We’re not counting the days. We’re making each day count. We’re getting somewhere each month. If you don’t understand that now, you will.” They stared at me mutely, but I knew they’d get it over time.

At the beginning of September, we started filling in the boxes with what events we knew were coming. Each kid had to list their key academic and outside activities events on the Map. This is adult-speak for “deliverables.” What homework assignments and projects are due, when are your tests? Put in all your practices, your games, birthday parties, the crazy community service stuff.

Oh, you have a test on Friday? It was written down on a Friday, along with a reminder for the Tuesday prior. Paper due on Wednesday? Get it up there and it also goes on the calendar the previous Friday.

Then, chores: Garbage cans to the curb weekly, doing dishes and general kitchen cleanup, straightening up the den, the living room, pulling rotated duty with Dad on weekend yard cleanup. Every athletic practice for all three kids, every game. Everything was listed.

Moreover, each kid had a different color pen assigned to their name and tasks, so each clearly knew their responsibilities with a glance at the map. A typical month on the map was artistry, the boxes filled with each day – constant, constant reminders of what each day held. A snapshot of the active life.

Every night, before rack time, we reviewed it. What is on deck the next day? For goodness sake, are you ready?!

No-Excuses Responsibility
Each kid, rotating in once every three months, was responsible for composing all the items on the map, which meant they had to get with their brothers and me to keep it current. The youngest could barely write but there were no excuses – he sat at the dinner table painstakingly putting all this stuff on the map at age 5. It just took him longer and it was less legible.

Sound utterly and totally simplistic? It was. What did it do? It made them the most organized kids in the zip code. They became disciplined in using their time. Personal accountability became habitual. They were always prepared.

And let me emphasize here: No, they did not get A's on every test and homework assignment and project nor did they shine like champs every afternoon on the fields.

In fact, they obtained something better: They became consistent. They were always ready and alert. And in the long game called childhood and adolescence, that’s more important than occasional moments here and there of outstanding performance.

The Organized, Assured Kid

Every day of every month, charted out. Year in, year out. The organized, prepared kid becomes over time, the confident, assured kid - the kid ready to perform. The map was the first, basic piece in developing that kind of kid. In fact all three devised their own maps in college – at the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams, and West Point.

So start your map – organized and orderly is the best way to begin this school year. You can develop that prepared and confident kid and make this school year a touchstone in your kid’s life. That’s because success in anything follows the resilient kid.

Your Introduction to a New Path for your son…

Mon, 12 Aug 2019 17:50:45 GMT

....because success follows the resilient kid

Welcome to ResilientSons – where you will get the guidance you want to raise a kid who learns to become reflexive in good conduct and character. Yeah, it’s a bold claim and so hold me to it.

I’m a Dad with three sons – a parent for more than two decades. During that time, I have seen it all – every situation involving a kid and failure, wins, tight spots, emergencies, routines, tears, and exultation. You know it, I know it: There’s nothing new about kids under the sun.

My sons were raised according to the methods outlined in my book, upon which this blog will amplify. Buy the book if you want – it’s cheap, short and has more than a few yuks. It’s an outline on how you can get your kid moving forward. Yeah, in the words of our favorite greenskeeper, you might say I’ve out-finessed myself.

In addition to being good guys, my kids are graduates of the U.S. Naval Academy and Williams and the third is at West Point. They didn’t get to these stations in life because I was a hand’s-off Dad or politically correct or full of sentimental jargon or because I gave them their “space.” That’s the kind of jive you’ll find in most parenting books that are 300-pages long and talk about "Connor's adolescent synergies."

My boys matriculated to those institutions – and beyond – with consistent effort, hard-won confidence, grinding power through adversity, and realistic ambition. Over time, this site will tell you how it happened and give you ideas on how you can use that kind of guidance with your son. Oh yeah, and you won’t hear much more about my sons at all – this is a site about raising boys, not about being some nutty over-the-top Dad bragging about that victory in the 8th grade dodgeball tournament and the B+ grade in college English.

Here’s a question: Why did I write the book and then begin this website? Because I am flabbergasted at the underwhelming performance of the Millennial and Generation Z / IGen cohort. I see too many of them in my daily life and I am appalled at their behavior, their lagging effort, and their addiction to the glowing rectangle in all its forms. Hey, how’s that for candor!

During the next six months, this blawg and this site will tackle the situations involving Dads and sons. I have learned – painfully at times – what are the toughest and most gratifying elements of fatherhood. Below are some of the matters we will examine:

1.    The phone, the video games, and the swamp of social media – do you think any of it makes your kid better?! Prove it to me.

2.    The trials and triumphs of athletics – my kids were average, average, average – and all three played college sports. How about yours?

3.    The rigors and joy of school – test, grades, measurements, activities – yes, there’s joy in all this. Is your kid finding it?

4.    Your kid’s peers – the good ones, and the jerks – how to find the former and avoid the latter. I know how to do it. If you don’t believe me, please see bios of boys above.

All of this will be examined through my eyes and how I encouraged, disciplined, and sometimes browbeat my three sons through it all.

If you want sons with consistency in conduct and character, who rally through tough times, learn how to lead and bring you joy and satisfaction, always remember: Success follows the resilient kid.

Next up: How you deal with back to school and make this year better than all the others...

18 years on Saturday’s fields

Wed, 31 Jul 2019 16:25:10 GMT

This autumn Saturday, more than 3,400 NCAA football, soccer and rugby teams will meet on fields throughout the nation. More than 846,000 high school soccer players will play this week, along with an even 1 million high school football players on approximately 13,800 teams.

Factor in 2.3 million youth soccer players and 1.2 million youth footballers – and then consider the tens of millions of total spectators.

These are staggering numbers of participation and competition – there is no voluntary endeavor like it in American society today.

I know these Saturdays well. Because for the past 18 years, I’ve spent every single one of them on a field. My three sons have played on various athletic teams - nearly three seasons every year - from the ages of 4 to 22. Indeed, many weekday afternoons I attended a practice or a game or drove to one or the other; then, there were the dozens of tournaments and college recruiting camps, from Maine to Florida. In this age of big data, I recently calculated that collectively, my kids played on approximately 147 teams, attended more than 8,700 practices, and played in more than 2,300 games.

But I’m hardly alone: Three out of four American families with school-aged children have at least one playing an organized sport — a total of about 45 million kids; 61 percent of boys’ ages 6 to 12 play a team sport. It’s even higher for females at 64 percent.

Certainly athletic participation occasions the usual tropes: discipline, personal satisfaction, alertness of mind. For example, as the Women’s Sports Foundation notes, female high school athletes are 92 percent less liked to get involved with drugs, 80 percent less likely to get pregnant, and 3 times more likely to graduate than non-athletes.

But there’s a deeper benefit. As a supercharged, 4th-grade lacrosse coach once lectured me and other parents sitting in bleachers on the eve of what he called “a make-or-break” season: “Folks, this field is the only place your Johnny puts himself out there to be judged by a bunch of strangers. And half of them want him to fail.” Coach Firebreather could have been talking about almost any young person on the fields today.

And amen to that. In an age of adolescent relativism and softness, on-field competition is where Johnny succeeds or fails, and he does so in direct relation to his preparation, resilience, and teamwork. No excuses. There’s no app for grinding.

Twenty-three hundred games later, what I recall most is the adversity: My kid in the soccer goal stopping 23 shots, but allowing another eight to get by; a kid fumbling near the goal line and losing a championship game. And oh yeah, a kid never leaving the bench, even in the fourth quarter of a blowout game. Kids choked up, parents dismayed, coaches in shock, the echoes of cheers from the winning team and crowd - all of it excruciating.

But I know that the recovery from disappointments made my boys much stronger than the elation of victories. And today, I bet few of the spectators today, except for parents, have even an idea of what it takes to play on an NCAA Division I team, even a Division III squad. As the NCAA notes, “Of the nearly 8 million students currently participating in high school athletics in the United States, only 480,000 of them will compete at NCAA schools.” What the NCAA left out was that maybe one fourth of those competing will get much playing time. I know. Firsthand.

Ultimately, rewarded by grinding, one son played four years of Division-III lacrosse on a team that twice had a Top 20 ranking in the ESPN/Nike College poll; another was cut from a Division I football team and played on a club lacrosse team that won a national championship. The third is the only one to break through to D-1, playing rugby, though he will be in that “three-fourth’s” participation category.

However, this Saturday will be the first time in 18 years in which I’m not on a field somewhere, enjoying the athleticism and sweat and rugged American competition. And, yes, the adversity. That’s because exactly one-half of the millions of young people on the fields today will be on the south side of the final score.

But that doesn’t really matter. They’re out there, being judged, even if it isn’t a make-or-break season.

Unceasing Pressure

Sun, 28 Jul 2019 18:08:41 GMT

Annapolis, Maryland

It’s all about “pressure” said the man. “Constant, unceasing pressure – which often leads to failure, then recovery. And resilience.”

I gaped in total, utter astonishment. The Nellie Theorem had just been enunciated to 1,800 serious-minded adults. Two things were at major odds here: 1. It wasn’t me speaking; and 2. People were listening. Intently.

Readers of the Nellie Blawg know that in between the monograph I’m writing on the synergistic modalities in “Caddyshack” and “Animal House,” I am a cheerful advocate of an expansive and cunning worldview composed of small, precise habits. These are the aspects of personal conduct – endurance, decisiveness, quick assessment and adaptation, empathy, and reliability -- I have inculcated in the lives of My Three Sons.

On those rare occasions when parents and colleagues have asked about the paths of the boys, I have responded with a delightful summation about self-control and resistance to obstacles – all in the worldview -- as the foundations for success. Of course, these same people have then looked at me with a measure of sympathy, maybe even a certain amount of sorrow. Poor man, they surmise: Having squandered his professional life with slow horses in fast political races, he's a hopeless sideline Nietzschiean. Undaunted, I have pressed onwards.

Pressure, adversity, conflict – they are all constant and crucial proving grounds. The themes are eternal, whether it’s Barnabas and Paul taking on the heathen in Iconium and Lustra in Acts, or Brett Favre with the Vikings in the NFL playoffs. In fact, in speaking once to fellow QB, Ron Jaworski, Favre said, “Jaws, you know that if you’re panicked under pressure, you’re not prepared.” Simple, true, enduring.

Hence, this was behind the reasons for wanting my kids on defense when the score was tied, the offense had the ball, and there was a minute left in the game. Or emphasizing to them that the four-hour test they were about to take held almost as much weight as three years of classroom grades. Or conduct in a tight spot in a social situation – here’s one: Leaving them at a bar mitzvah where they know two people and telling them that the world doesn’t belong to the shy or lonely.

Feeling that pressure is essential to gradually beating it. To be prepared, as Barnabas or Favre, a kid must build up muscle memory through hours of drudgery doing homework, or throwing a ball against a wall, or memorizing a script for a play, or running miles and miles, or practicing an instrument, or -- you fill in the blank.

When the pressure to perform is then on, there indeed might be failure, but there’s going to be recovery and as the man said, resilience for next time. Repetition builds character.

In a self-absorbed age and way, I’ve often thought of postponing the Shack/House Ph.D. thesis and writing instead a book – “My Three Sons: A Crazy Dad’s Guide to Parenting.” It will be filled with the sparkling aphorisms I routinely inflict on my sons, such as “If you’re five minutes early, you’re late.” And, “Just get the damn thing to midfield.” Or, “If you aren't baggin', you aren't mowin'." Then there’s my personal favorite: “If this was EASY, every geek in the nation would be starting at linebacker!”

Pressure. Failure. Recovery. Resilience. In fact, the man speaking this mantra was a Navy Captain, addressing the parents of 1,191 Midshipmen in the Class of 2018 at the United States Naval Academy, in Annapolis, Maryland. “Unceasing pressure” was my favorite line. Words to live by.

The Combine Grind

Sat, 27 Jul 2019 18:08:40 GMT

Autumn starts where the summer grinds to an end -- on a green turf field crisscrossed by white lines. Have you ever noticed the sideline boundaries are always thicker than those measuring progress down field in yards? It’s too prosaic to contemplate -- or maybe not.

Summer of 2013 – the season of competition. Two sons, four athletic camps, and six tournaments stretching from Boston to Virginia Beach and seven cities in between. Forty-six officiated lacrosse games, more than 51 football skill sessions, 23 7-on-7 games, and at every one, the ever-present figure of good-natured Nellie, with free advice for all. For the eldest son, it’s a drive to be noticed and ultimately coveted by NCAA college coaches, no less in two sports. For the younger Boys’ Town grad, all fields are testing grounds of skill and athleticism to prevail over top talent in order to compete at the level where both of his older brothers now reside. Eldest son, the steady Nellie Junior, triumphed in this fast-paced crucible and is now playing college athletics.

Sports, kids – what I’ve seen this summer in 2,700 miles of driving from New England to the Old South is most of all the American Dad: indefatigable, generous, hopeful, persistent and always folding up the chair at the end of the day – yes, on those prosaic sidelines -- thinking about tomorrow’s 8 a.m. session and how the heck their kid can improve his performance.

The football camps are the notorious combines.” A hundred select young men, 400 non-select kids -- all instantly organized, sorted by primary position, offense or defense, and then given identifying jersey numbers. This is the wonderful mechanics of these camps. There is little discussion or confusion, just a quick following of orders and hustling to get in line.

Next comes the long and detailed regimen of workout drills watched by alert coaches with the Career Beginning and Ending Clipboards. Your kid does closely watched drills with, for example, dozens of Outside Linebackers. The coaches watch intently and dispassionately for hours, and what they write on the Clipboard means your kid may have a shot at their school, or it’s time to back home to Momma.

And they’re not asking for anything complex here. In fact, it’s simple and repetitive, just perfect for your correspondent. Bulky, leather practice bags are laid out and kids high-step through them. The bags are placed at oblique angles at various distances and kids high-step through them. Kids are thrown a ball as they run through the bags. They either catch it or keep high-stepping to the parking lot.

Four guys are placed in a square, a few yards apart from each other, and told to react to hand signals from a coach. Up, back, left, right. Stopwatches are everywhere.

Across three wide open fields these drills go on. Linemen push sleds, QBs and receivers and cornerbacks try to outwit each other. For running backs, it’s running through pads carrying the ball: “Nose to the sky!” “Eyes up!” “Back straight!” Then passing drills with QBs and linebackers: “Sharp routes!” “No cross overs!” “Burst! Burst!” The drills run for hours, yells floating across the fields like a long muted drone.

Every kid is trying their best, giving everything they have. They’re prepared. Just to get here has required thousands of hours of practice, weight rooms, hot fields, cold mornings, pass routes long after dusk, countless collisions and snap counts. What a remarkable set of circumstances has propelled them here. And it’s certainly not Real Life because there is not a single slacker to be seen.

And the parents. Imagine the sheer production of getting Billie from Nashville or Pittsburgh or Seattle or Houston or Miami all the way to Boston or Annapolis.

Having attended these camps and tourneys for years, I measure success by two critical lements: Foot speed and size. And you can’t teach size. The eldest son, Nellie Junior, no behemoth, worked for years on agility –ladders, the parachute, shuttle runs, endless sprints -- and became one of the quickest kids on any field on which he plays (Yeah, I’ll brag a bit. What are you going to do? Throw a clipboard at me?) The value of foot speed is inestimable. The coaches are entranced with it.

It takes about three reps of drills on day one, hour one, for someone to see where a kid stacks up. The competition is ferocious. It doesn’t mean a darn thing that you were All League at Big Bad High in the Tri-County Conference. Can you move out fast? How tall are you?

And last, and the coaches have a stock phrase when approached by a kid introducing himself: “Howareyourgrades?” It’s one word. It’s direct and hard, but hey, football is a direct and hard sport.

Little Nellie is 6’1”, 210 pounds, a linebacker who in addition, plays fullback and tight end. To really seal the deal, about three years ago, I encouraged him to take up and get good at long-snapping because as former football great, Richie Petibon, once told me,

“Snapping is THE tie-breaker.” I.e. if a kid can do that, and play one, even two more positions, he’s going to make a team over someone else.

So my son and I practiced snapping, and I mean endlessly. We’d have four footballs and he’d shoot them back to me, one after another, as I stood in punt formation. Then then he’d shoot them back to me as I simulated a holder and Boys’ Town son kicked, all to get the tempo and rhythm down right. It no doubt looked comical to folks coming across us on a field. We read up on hand placement on the ball, how to use the legs to increase ball speed. Over time, the snaps got faster, held a tighter spiral, and now Little Nellie is a machine.

And yes, if you really think hard about all this, you recognize instantly there’s a defining element of sheer madness. “Yes, I’m on annual leave from a serious job, driving 450 miles to watch my kid jump around bags and catch passes and push sleds all over a field –for eight hours.” Once, a well-meaning Dad on the sideline affably asked me about my son. I was distracted and said robotically,

“Punt snap average zero point seven, zero point five on PATs.”

It was 10:15 p.m. at the Princeton Camp, and the hotly contestd 7-on-7 games had ended. We’d arrived here about 20 hours ago from a lacrosse camp in Providence, RI. After 48 hours here, we’d split for a three-day Under Armour lacrosse tournament in Baltimore.

I was walking Little Nellie back to the dorm. He’s beat. Heck, I’m even beat from sitting in a chair all day and spinning college intrigues in my head.

We’re passing darkened classrooms and buildings and big lonely quads. “My man,” I say, “I know this a grind. But if you’re going to play college ball, this is where you gotta be.” He was carrying his shoulder pads and helmet, his hair was matted to his scalp, his shirt soaked with sweat and his cleats clicked and echoed on the pavement.

“Yeah Dad,” he said and then added, asking and answering a question at the same time, “Where else would I be?”

Fourth and inches

Fri, 26 Jul 2019 20:05:19 GMT

Washington, D.C. - It’s a weekday mid afternoon and I’m sitting on wooden bleachers at a local high school. Its early autumn, breezy with a few wispy leaves. And middle son Braden is playing in the first organized football game of his life – the big Landon-St. Albans clash of the 6th grade titans.

Kids’ sports are a crazed part of the national psyche. I know. I’ve got three sons currently on 8 separate teams. I coach my youngest son in 3rd grade basketball with my winning “Cycle of Fear” motivational tool and have a car full of sweaty athletic gear all year long. And since I sat on the bench in high school and college in three sports, I bring a good-natured resilience to All Things Sports.

First, I naturally have a little pep talk before the big game, full of a homespun Nellie advice: “Son, pretend the running back is a Democrat after Dad’s job. Don’t let him get by you!” Just kidding. Actually, I say, “Take it from your old man, when it's fourth and inches, go long."

Second, I’m past getting nervous or uptight about games. I once figured out that since all three of my three sons started playing organized sports, I’ve watched more than 680 games, matches, and meets, no kidding. I tell myself it's making me a better person --as far as I know.

Third, I’m also past the point of putting some phony smile on my face and saying to my kids after some atrocious mistake, “Ohhhh, that’s ok! So long as you have fun!” To hell with fun. A lot of the sports scene is a grind and the takeaways for the kids willing to stick it out, even on the bench, are teamwork, perseverance, discipline, selflessness. If it was always “fun,” everyone would score a ton of points, even the geeks.

Fourth, I don't get crazy anymore about playing time, no matter what coaching conspiracy is going on. Braden plays nose guard and doesn’t start. Big deal -- it’s his first season. He'll either learn or become president of the Stamp Club. But he’s a solid athlete. Last weekend during a lacrosse game, Braden was playing defense, scooped up a missed shot near his own goal, got out of traffic cradling the ball, went over midfield, got body checked hard by four different guys, kept on his feet and then shot and scored from 10 feet out. Coast to Coast, baby. Now that’s athleticism. He's just got to learn it on a different field.

Fifth, I admire initiative in a kid. Braden is parked on the sidelines, in full game viewing mode, when the team runs out of water. Suddenly, I see him go speak with the coach, leave the field headed toward the team bus, and then come back holding a plastic crate of full Gatorade bottles. I laughed out loud at the subtle perfection of it all. Yes, truly his father's son.

Last, I always look for best in a less-than-desirable situation. Braden got on the team bus right after the game and I went back to work in the city. Later that night at home, I told him, “Well, well. Your first football game. Man, I really liked the way you manhandled that Gatorade crate.” He grinned, and familiar with my shtick because it’s rapidly becoming his, replied, “It wasn’t going to get by me.”